She nods, but doesn’t move, her gaze staying on me until we hear Theo trekking up the stairs with the last two suitcases in each hand. He sets them with the others, then waits, looking at me with the same worried expression my mom has.
“Christ, between the two of you, you’d think I was lying on my death bed.”
“I’m just worried, honey.”
“It’ll be fine,” I lie. We all know that it might not be fine. That my dream might be effectively shattered, and I’ll have nothing to show for it but a couple of photos and memories.
“What did Magnolia say? Can she come visit?” Mom asks, and I turn my head to look out the window. The sun is about to set; its soft pinky haze seeps through the thick trees that fill the backyard.
“She doesn’t know.”
My mom gasps, the smallest inhale of air, but I still hear it.
“She doesn’t know?”
“She had a late performance last night, and another one tonight. I wasn’t going to call her right before she got on stage to say I fucked my shoulder up.” My mom winces at my cursing. “Itexted her right before surgery, and she was going into rehearsal. She has a few busy days ahead of her; she doesn’t need to worry about my sorry ass.”
Theo groans, lifting his hat off his head to run his hands through his air. “God, you’re a stubborn mule.”
“What’s that, grandpa?”
“Alright, you two,” my mom says firmly. “Lukas, I’m going to make you a snack plate. You need to rest, we can talk about this later.” She crosses the few paces to the bed, leaning down to press a kiss to my head. “I’ll be checking on you.”
Theo stands in the corner, arms crossed over his chest, waiting until my mom leaves. We listen to her steps trail down the wooden stairs, and I silently count each echo until she hits the hall, her steps fading away.
I look back at Theo. His expression has formed from our usually teasing nature to something else. Something sad.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I warn. “I don’t need you to pity me.”
He exhales through his nose, shaking his head. “I don’t pity you, dude. But I am sorry.”
I turn my head again to look out the window. “Sorry for what? That I only made it three pitiful years into my dream before I fucked it all up?”
“You don’t know it’s over. It’s just a break.”
I ignore Theo, keeping my head turned toward the window. The movement forces me to look over my right arm, to the sling that’s itching the back of my neck.
That’s what everyone says.
It’s not over.
Take the time to heal.
We’ll get you back in tip-top shape.
Yadda yadda yadda.
I could see it in the eyes of the surgeon when he met me in post-op. The tear was worse than expected. He didn’t get to go in and sew a clean tear back together, no. He had to sort through a mess of cartilage and piece me back together like Humpty Fucking Dumpty. I can have hope, sure. But you can hold hope in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up faster.
Theo eventually gets the hint. I can faintly see him shaking his head out of the corner of my eye. But I’m starting to feel tired again, so I let my eyes drift shut.
I don’t know how long I doze. When I open my eyes, the room is dark, the light of the moon barely peeking through the window. I turn my head, my muscles stiff from lying in the same position for so long. My shoulder screams, and I reach for the two pain pills my mom set next to my bed. I pop them in my mouth, then reach for the glass of water, downing it in one drink. I set it down next to the plate of toast, crackers, protein bars, and grapes my mom left for me.
Ignoring the food, I turn my head again, staring out at the dark night, at the shadows of the trees dancing against my pale walls until my lids grow heavy.
I spend the next day or so like that, drifting in and out of consciousness, unsure of the time. Unsure if I’m actually sleeping, really, or living in a lucid state, a nightmare of sorts.
My thoughts are littered with clips of that game, of the ache in my shoulder that I felt early on, and the thought that I should have said something. Should have spoken up, taken myself out of the game, but I was too high on the adrenaline, too high on the cheers from the crowd. I wanted that victory so bad, and I wanted to be the one to hand it over to my team.
