She smiles encouragingly. “Well, there you go.”
“Okay,” I exhale, tipping my head back to rest on the top of the couch. “Do you think I should talk to Matteo or my dad first? I haven’t brought up the idea of him visiting to anyone but you yet. I mean, we haven’t even discussed when it might happen.”
“Talk with Matteo,” she advises, tapping her nails on the top of her thighs as she thinks about it further. “Tell him that you’re considering what his visit might look like. You told him you would be thinking about it, anyway. Let him know that you think having some assurances would help you immensely. When he agrees to your stipulations about being able to leave an uncomfortable situation, then you speak to your father. You can even bring him to your next session if you’d like my help in doing so.”
“I like that you said when, not if,” I blurt out, trying not to smile.
“Oh?”
“When he agrees,” I clarify. “It’s a small thing, but it makes me feel like you believed me when I described his character to you. Like you don’t doubt that he’s a good guy. I…I really appreciate that.”
Tiffany looks touched, taking in the comment. “Of course I believe you, Anya. From everything you’ve told me, he seems like a very patient and caring young man. I have no reason to believe that he would react poorly to your needs.”
“I think I’ll have Dad come with me to talk about this,” I admit. “I want you to be able to reassure him that I’m not genuinely worried about breaking down because of Matteo’s visit, but that I want to be prepared for the worst.”
“Matteo doesn’t scare you, but being put into a situation that could result in a poor reaction does scare you. It’s perfectly reasonable, and I’m sure your father will agree. You’ve been through so many very painful panic attacks and depressive episodes. It’s very normal to want to avoid that happening again.”
“Okay,” I breathe out. “So we plan for the worst.”
“And hope for the best,” she agrees. “Would you like to plan out some scenarios before your conversation with Matteo? Or is there anything else you want to talk about today? Anything positive you’d like to share?”
“Yeah,” I reply, smiling almost shyly. “Maybe we talk about some positive stuff for a bit, but plan a few scenarios and solutions before the session ends?”
“I like it,” she agrees, smiling back. “Tell me something good, Anya. Anything you can think of.”
“Aunt Irina and I did yoga together again this week,” I start, remembering the time we spent together only two days ago. “We talked about more than last time. I asked more about Nadya, and it didn’t hurt to hear about her excelling in ballet camp. It actually just made me happy for her. Nadya has always beenmore of a girl who dances for fun than for excellence. I was like that when I was younger too, I think.”
“I’m glad to hear she’s doing well. Twelve is such a transformative age. She’ll be a teenager soon, but still so young.”So, so young.“And ballet is a sore subject for you, but I think we’ve learned that it isn’t quite triggering,” Tiffany comments, nodding along. “Would you agree?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I say, trying not to bite my lip as I consider. “I still don’t know if I want to go back to it, though. I’m scared that having an asthma attack while trying to dance would turn it into a triggering topic. And at least if I can’t do it myself, I can still talk about it.”
“We can certainly put aside dancing for now,” Tiffany replies in agreement. “You’re working on so many things at one time, there’s no need to rush something that isn’t calling to you.”
Ballet is something I think I’ll need to return to eventually, but not right now. Not while there are so many other things to worry about.
“The twins are starting to smile when they see me,” I tell her, thinking of another positive from this week. “Matteo and I have done more texting than video-chatting this week, but they seem to recognize me either way. Isobella has the sweetest little smiles, and Cesar always tries to steal the phone. Matteo says he’s trying to pull me through it.”
“That’s lovely,” she says, almost cooing at the mention of babies. “Family can be so important through the healing process. Have you thought about speaking to your brothers lately?”
My smile falls. “I always think about talking to them.”
“But you still don’t feel ready,” she concludes, softly. “I know it’s a hard subject for you, but I hope you don’t mind that I continue to ask from time to time? I only want to keep myself up to date with how you’re fairing on all fronts.”
“No, no, you can ask.”
“I’m glad it doesn’t make you too uncomfortable,” Tiffany says, opening up her notebook. “Now, how about we plan some worst-case scenario solutions, hmm?”
No time like the present.
“Let’s do it.”
Chapter Seventeen
Anton
“So, what do you think, Papa?” Anya asks, squirming in her regular deck seat.
Instead of our typical small talk after she’s finished her breakfast and I continue to sip on my coffee, my daughter surprised me with a full casual presentation-like speech. Several straight minutes of words about a topic I didn’t even know were up for discussion.
