Then, it's when Jason opens his mouth, and that soothing tone follows, that hope floods my chest cavity.
"Yes, Ben, I am."
Chapter Six
__________
Jason
"Jason. Are…are you a daddy, too?" Ben's words come out uncertain.
I only wanted to comfort Ben just as I would for one of my students on a rough day. I wasn't thinking of being in a daddy role, a role that I crave. I don't just want a warm body to fill the role, either. I want a connection with someone. Like the relationships my friends have.
I wasn't ready for Ben to pull away from me, uncertainty on his face. The easy warmth between us suddenly feels chilled. The moment before evaporates. His jaw is tight.
How could I have fucked this up already?
Boy, did I misread the vibe between us. I can be so dense sometimes. Projecting my deepest desires onto a situation–someone–so vulnerable.
But I have to be honest with him and myself.
"Yes, Ben, I am." My voice cracks, and I clear my throat.
The silence stretches, thick with unspoken words and a sudden awkwardness. I glance across the table just in time to see a tear drip from Caleb's reddened eyes. It figuratively guts me.
Is Ben going to judge all of us for the lifestyle we participate in? Barrett leans over and whispers something in Caleb's ear, and he nods.
I feel this familiar ache of wanting to fix things. Like in my classroom. To smooth over discomfort, but this is different. This isn't about a lost lunchbox or a playground spat; thisis something deeper, something I wasn't anticipating when I simply offered a comforting touch.
"It's... it's fine," he murmurs when he finally turns his eyes to all of us. "Just a lot on my mind, you know? A lot of changes all at once."
The way Ben shifts his weight tells a different story. He's not fine. I realize, just like what happened to one of my students last week, even when the comfort we sometimes offer is well-intentioned, it can stir up more emotions than it settles.
"Ben. We all have those days," I say in understanding. My gaze drifts back to his hand, which is now fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve, a nervous habit I noticed him doing earlier. I'd like to offer more comfort, to reach out again. The image of him pulling away moments ago holds me captive. A silent warning.
Ben swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing, and then, in a voice barely above a whisper, he asks, "Caleb, if Barrett's your daddy, are…are you a boy?"
Caleb wipes his eyes and nods. "Yes. But there's more. We don't have to talk about it now if this is all too much for you." Caleb starts to reach across the table, but notices Ben withdraw his hand.
Ben shakes his head and takes a sip of water that is sitting in front of him, gathering his courage. Words then tumble out, hesitant but clear. "I'm...I'm a little. It's something I've been exploring, and it…it's become a big part of my life. And right now, it's a big part of what's making things difficult. You know, trying to find my place. Now, I'm in a new town, a new job," he looks up at Caleb and Barrett, "that is, if you still want me knowing that secret part of me." He looks down at his hand while fiddling with his cuff some more.
Caleb places his hand on the table, palm up. Ben looks at it, and Caleb wiggles his fingers and smiles. Ben smiles back and places his hand in Caleb's. "Of course, we want you. You and Ialready have a lot in common. And like I told you in the shop, I have a good vibe about you." He offers Ben a wink.
"You're one too?" Ben asks barely above a whisper.
Caleb nods. "There's a small group of us here. I'd love for you to come over sometime. My playroom is amazing!"
"Slow down, Peanut," Barrett warns. "Let Ben take things slowly. This is a lot to take in."
"Okay," Caleb relents, removing his hand from Ben’s and snuggling closer to Barrett.
The air in the room shifts again, the chill replaced by warmth. A silent acknowledgment of a shared secret. The restaurant becomes a space for a new, unspoken dialogue to unfold.
Ben laid himself bare for us. My gaze darts to Barrett, searching his face for any hint of reaction, but he stays composed.
After a few moments of silence, giving everyone a breather to reflect on all that's happened, the waiter appears with the bill and clears a few of the dishes.
"Ben. Caleb and I need to get back to the shop," Barrett says after signing the bill and pocketing his credit card. "Can you start on Monday? It'll be a busy week."
