I hesitate. In any other instance, I would be one hundred percent on board with this. However, if, by chance, the agent is Sophia Snodgrass-Schuster, perhaps it’s better if I go alone.
Me: You’re busy. I don’t want you to have to take the time.
Clark: Are you kidding? Unless I am literally on the ice, I wouldn’t miss it.
Clark: We should celebrate.
I’m a cautious, careful person. Not like Clark, who regularly comes home with new dogs, buys concert tickets on a whim for bands he’s never heard of, and once volunteered the team for a charity carwash without consulting anyone. It was a success as evidenced by the parade of women lining up their SUVs around the block that day.
I don’t want to celebrate just yet, especially if, in order to secure the space, I have to contend with a certain town gossip.
Me: It’s not a done deal. Let’s get through Easter first.
Clark: In that case, fair warning: prepare yourself for lots of Easter candy. I’m talking jelly beans, Peeps, chocolate bunnies. All of it.
At that, I’d better start getting emotionally and physically ready to spend some solid time just the two of us and to visit his parents. Ordinarily, this would be welcome. They’re delightful,unlike my own. However, now, we’re fake dating and I am wildly unprepared and unwilling to deceive the Culpeppers. If only I could find a user manual for how to fake date and not have it derail my entire life.
I switch to the Knights Wags chat and send an SOS.
Me: EMERGENCY. I’m visiting Clark’s parents this weekend. As his girlfriend. HELP.
The responses come rapid fire.
Ella: You’ve met them before, though?
Me: As his friend who returned his dog ten years ago. Not as his GIRLFRIEND.
Whit: Big difference.
Jess: Huge difference.
Margo: Okay, don’t panic. We can coach you through this with some dos and don’ts guidelines.
Heidi: Do: Compliment his mom’s cooking. Always.
Cara: Do: Offer to help in the kitchen. Even if she says no, the offer matters.
Whit: Do: Laugh at his dad’s jokes. Trust me on this.
Ella: Do: Be yourself. They already like you.
This is what I’ddoanyway, so it’s no big deal, but I have abigdon’tflashing in my head and it’s accompanied by the wordlieas indon’tlie.
Me: But what about the fake dating thing? Do we tell them the truth?
The typing bubbles stage a riot.
Margo: That’s a good question.
Jess: Have you and Clark discussed this?
Me: No. I think we’ve been avoiding it.
Whit: Lying to his family in any instance is wrong, but in this situation, it also feels wrong.
Heidi: But telling them the truth means explaining the whole campaign situation.
Cara: And then they’ll know you’re both pretending to be in love when you’re actually ...
