I return my attention to the revised menu he’s created.
Protein Events
A Fish That Used to Swim Happily near This Villa, Now Sadly Roasted and Surrounded by Salty Objects (His Head Was Removed for Your Comfort)
A Young Sheep Seasoned with a Woody Shrub and Served with Whatever Vegetables the Market Had Lying Around
I roll my lips in on each other, close my eyes, and shake my head. This is a disaster.
The Good Part
A Cake Designed Entirely Around the Concept of Lemons, Containing Multiple Textures That All Taste Like Lemon (No Chocolate Will Be Provided. Don’t Bother Asking. I Already Tried.)
A Pastry Filled with Fruit That Is Ripe Right Now and Will Not Be Ripe Tomorrow
A bead of sweat trickles down Elliot’s temple. Franki opens the curtains and the doors to our balcony to let in a breeze.
“You look like you should sit down.” She guides Elliot to the chair in the corner. He stares down at her, his chin wobbling, then he drops to the chair and holds his head in his hands.
Ryan snorts.
I continue.
Liquids
Old White Grape Juice with Yeast
More Yeasty Old White Grape Juice, but More Pretentious
Fermented Red Grape Juice That Has Aged Longer than Roland Spencer’s Second Marriage (Third Time’s the Charm, Right?)
At the dig at Spencer’s uncle’s terrible marital track record, I manfully fake a cough and continue reading.
Groom & Groom Play Favorites
A Sparkling Alcoholic Lemon Drink That Tastes like Sunshine and Over-Confidence Had a Baby on the Dance Floor (Contains Limoncello, Bubbles, and the Urge to Sing Bad Karaoke. Please Resist.)
“I’m sorry,” Elliot says.
I bite my knuckle.
“Truly. I am,” he says.
I hold the stack of menus aloft. “Good. If Dante’s mother sees it, there will be hell to pay.”
He nods miserably.
“Just because it’s funny doesn’t make it right, Elliot,” I say.
Elliot straightens, his eyes brightening. “You think it’s funny?”
“It’s fucking hilarious, but that’s not the important part. What did you do with the original menus?”
“Haaaa . . .” Once more, a strange vocalized wheezing emanates from his throat. “Suffice it to say, they are no longer available.”
Franki props her hands on her hips and scowls. “You couldn’t have held on to the originals?”
His lips purse before he shakes his head jerkily and sniffles.
