Relax.
Kim could almost feel the breath of the word against her skin. She sucked in the stale air of her bedroom.
“Maybe not, then.” The backs of her arms and legs were patterned with faint red crisscross scratches from the ground. “If you didn’t see anyone. I could be remembering wrong.”
Naomi didn’t say anything to that. She just looked at Kim, who was wrapped in her dressing gown, her hair dripping from the shower. “Your clothes from last night were a bit—”
“Disgusting? I know. I’m sorry. They’re in the washing machine.” They weren’t. Kim had dropped them into the laundry basket, then fished them straight out, scrunched them in a ball, and stuffed them into the bin instead. There was no point keeping them. She already knew she wouldn’t wear them again.
“Oh.” Naomi fell quiet again. “How are you feeling now? Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”Wasshe okay? Kim didn’t allow the question to settle. “Yes. I’m fine. Embarrassed, you know?”
“It’s just—” Naomi had paused. “I was thinking you could tell someone. If you wanted to. The police or someone. If—”
“No.” Kim’s reply was quick. “Naomi.No.What would I even say?”
No answer.
“I don’t want anyone to find out. How messy I got, you know?” At the words, the icy trickle of a completely different type of fear began creeping through Kim. Their school was small. The post-party gossip was notoriously brutal. The gleeful buzz of rehashing what went right and what went wrong was only fun when it was about someone else. “Naomi? Okay?”
“I know. But, what? Not even Charlie?”
He’d be upset, Kim knew immediately. Not with her—even during their stupidest fights he never got angry with her—but he’d blame himself. For being late to meet her at the park, for carrying on their ridiculous argument past the point that either of them wanted to, for not looking out for her. Charlie wasn’t perfect, Kim knew, but neither was she, and whatever this was, it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t hers, either, a tiny voice whispered, but she pushed it aside. What she needed and wanted right then, more than anything else, was for everything to be back to normal.
“I just want to forget it.” Kim was suddenly strangely grateful for the blackness in her head. She couldn’t bring herself to hold last night too close to the light. “Seriously. Please don’t tell anyone else. Not even Charlie.”
Naomi had looked like she might try to argue, but at last she nodded. “Okay.” Kim felt weak with relief. “Yeah. If that’s what you want.”
It was. Kim had never again brought it up, so Naomi hadn’t, either. For a while afterward, though, Kim had half feared new memories would resurface without warning. The sensation was strongest when she was down at the reservoir. The sight of the dense bushland with its hidden pockets would immediately trip something deep inside. It would creep over her, setting her heart pounding and sharp snaps of adrenaline zipping from her chest and through her limbs. Full fight or flight. It became almost unbearable, and yet it didn’t help her rememberanything. Whatever was hidden in the blackness stayed there. But Kim hated her reaction to the reservoir. She felt out of control and very alone down there. And so, without mentioning it to anyone, Kim simply stopped going altogether.
Charlie noticed. Kim just didn’t realize it until years later, one sunny afternoon not long after Zara was born. Charlie had been driving them home from a doctor’s appointment, Zara tiny and soft, tucked up in her car seat in the back. They’d had a busy day already, and the quickest way home, Kim knew, would be to turn off the highway and carry on down the track past the reservoir. She never drove that way herself, but she wasn’t the one behind the wheel now, and as they approached the turn, she felt the familiar unwelcome response kick in. She was pressing her fingers lightly against the armrest, the intense prickling feeling already building in her chest, when she realized Charlie had stayed on the highway. He was taking the long way around.
“Are we going somewhere else?” Kim had asked, surprise and relief washing through her.
“No. Just home.” Without looking, he’d reached over and taken her hand. His voice was soft. “You really don’t like it down there, hey?”
Kim had stared at his familiar palm, so warm and solid, and she’d felt like she could breathe again. This wasn’t the first time Charlie had done this, she’d realized, as she suddenly remembered all the times he’d quietly made it easy for her—taking the slower route without comment, or suggesting before Kim had to that they meet friends elsewhere for a walk. How long had he been doing that for her? She wasn’t sure. Years, maybe.
“I’ve never liked it down there.” That wasn’t the case, but Charlie didn’t call her out on it. “I think the water or something creeps me out.”
He’d looked over then. “Yeah?”
“I mean… you don’t know what’s out there.”
“No. I suppose not.” He’d waited patiently, until it was clear she wasn’t going to say any more. “Well. Whatever it is, we can just leave it alone out there. If that’s what you want.” He smiled at her in her favorite way, the way that always reminded her of the very first time she’d seen him. “It doesn’t have to come home with us.”
And that was so true, Kim thought as Charlie had held her hand and driven her and their daughter back to their cozy, babyproofed house surrounded by vines. She’d known in that moment that she could have told him. Everything. What she remembered, what she didn’t. How that all made her feel. And she’d known it would be all right. Kim could tell Charlie, but she still didn’t want to. Not because she was worried anymore but because in that moment she felt other things, too. Loved and safe and suddenly determined that whatever had happened all those years ago, it didn’t deserve to take up space that could be filled by happiness instead.
So Charlie didn’t know. But on the phone so many years later, discussing their teenage daughter and the annual party at the reservoir, Kim found herself wishing for the first time that he did. But it was too late now. They didn’t have those kinds of conversations anymore.
“Let Zara go,” Kim said in the end. “Tell her to be careful.”
Kim had less time than she might have had to dwell on things back in Marralee because here in Adelaide, for the first time in her life, work was not going well.
Rohan had come along for Friday-night drinks to celebrate the end of a successful campaign and had been oddly subdued when they’d finally got home.
“Hey, I thought the Williams project was yours?” he’d said as they’d brushed their teeth in their master bathroom. The underfloor heating Rohan had recently had installed warmed Kim’s bare feet.
