He stepped out. The hallway was quiet and he shut the door behind him and bent down. As Duffy licked his face, Nathan thought about the day that Kelly had died. It had felt like the beginning of the end in a lot of ways. It was after that that he’d let his gun licence lapse, and he’d turned off his radio for good, and he’d stopped answering his phone to the point where Harry had put the satellite tracker into his hands and ordered him to check in daily.I’m okay; I’m not okay.
Nathan definitely did not feel okay right then. After Kelly died, he had felt his fingertips starting to slip. He had been holding on for so long and it was too hard and he was just tired. He had felt himself, for the first time, simply giving up. Not all at once, and not entirely willingly, but a little at a time, slipping away, day after day.
And while this was going on, his bloody brothers had known all along what had happened. Nathan looked left towards the busy living room and right towards the yard outside. He’d well and truly missed his chance with bloody Cam, but where would Bub be? Behind him, the office door was still shut. He took a deep breath and made himself think about what Ilse had said.For me.
He pictured her, still sitting at her desk, and the bell in Nathan’s head rang again, suddenly so close and clear that it took him by surprise. Ilse at her desk, working late into the evening after all those long and busy days laid out in her planner. And suddenly Nathan knew what the daily checkmarks were in the bottom corner of her diary.
Nathan had always assumed it had been Liz who had sent Harry over with the satellite tracker. Two buttons.I’m okay; I’m not okay.Each night he pressed the same one, no matter how strong the urge was to do otherwise. He didn’t think it was even monitored anymore; no-one had ever mentioned it again. But he pressed the same button every night anyway, if only for himself.I’m okay.The same message, sent up by a fragile beam into the night sky. Shooting up to a satellite, then falling all the way back down to Earth. A connection through thousands of kilometres of space. He stood outside the office door, with Ilse on the other side, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he didn’t feel so alone.
Chapter 30
Nathan stood outside the office, one hand on the door, debating whether to go back in. He wasn’t sure what he would say to Ilse, but he wanted to say something. Thank you, maybe.
He was still hovering when he heard a familiar cough in the gloom. He looked up the hallway. Liz was standing outside her bedroom. Her feet were bare and she was leaning against the doorway for support. She started as she saw Nathan watching her.
‘You looked like your dad for a second.’ Her gaze was unfocused as he walked over. ‘Everyone’s still here.’ She sounded surprised.
‘You haven’t been asleep long.’
‘Oh. I thought it would all be over.’
‘No. Not yet,’ he said, wondering vaguely what medication Steve had given her. ‘Maybe you should lie down again.’
‘I can’t. I close my eyes and I think about Cameron. I wake up and I think about Cameron. I may as well be up.’
Someone passed by at the other end of the hall, their shadow long. Old Tom. He saw Liz and raised a hand.
‘I should go and say hello to people.’ She didn’t move.
‘I don’t think anyone would mind if you didn’t.’
‘Cameron would mind.’ Liz turned to him, her eyes suddenly clearer. ‘Have you spoken to Steve yet? Made an appointment?’
‘Not yet.’
‘You promised me, Nathan.’ Liz took his arm, her fingers surprisingly strong.
‘I know. I will.’
‘Let’s go now and –’
‘Grandma?’ Xander stood at the end of the hall with the girl Nathan had seen him talking to outside. He touched her elbow. ‘I’ll catch up with you in a minute.’
The girl looked a little disappointed, but nodded. As she wandered away, Xander turned back. ‘Are you okay, Grandma?’
‘We’re going to find Steve.’
‘He’s outside.’
‘Is Bub out there too?’ Nathan said, feeling a few certain words about a certain dog brewing inside him.
‘No.’ Xander hesitated. ‘He was a bit drunk. Uncle Harry brought him inside for a rest.’
‘Let’s go and find Steve, Nathan.’
‘Grandma, you haven’t even got shoes on,’ Xander said, with a note of accusation that Nathan felt was directed his way.
‘Oh.’ Liz looked down. ‘I don’t know –’ She scanned the floor, flustered, as though they might appear.
