“Why not?”
“Because ...” I don’t know what words I’m searching for. Do I want to tell her the truth? Carnaxa doesn’t deserve to be with someone like me, but neither does Anara. They shouldn’t be a part of my world, and yet here they are.
“Oh, you love her.”
Her words knock the air from my lungs. Behind her eyes, she hides secrets and possesses a depth of understanding that surpasses what she outwardly displays. However, she always astounds me when she reveals unspoken truths.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I can’t lie to her either. “I do, but it doesn’t change my love for you.”
She runs her hand through my hair, kissing slowly around the arches of my brow. “I’m not upset you love her. I can feel it. It’s like a tide being pulled back and forth between the two of you.”
“And it doesn’t feel like that for us?”
She winces as she moves to grab water from the basin. She brings us both a cup before draping her legs over mine, giving me a perfect sight of where I’d like to escape to, rather than have this conversation. After handing me my glass and taking a drink for herself, she pushes her hair to one shoulder and begins braiding it.
“No, for me it doesn’t.” She bites along her bottom lip and her eyes flicker around the room before she runs her hand against mine and lies down. “Let’s get some rest. I know you must be tired after the journey here.”
Next to her, I lie down, and she turns, burying her face in my chest. I wrap my arms around her and run my hand across her back. “I’m sorry for everything. I should have kept you safe.”
Her eyes widen, and then she puts her hand on my chest. “There was nothing you could have done. I don’t blame you or hold you responsible.”
I shake my head and place it on top of hers. Inhaling deeply, the faint smell of the perfume blends with my own scent. “I still should have known what would happen. I won’t let him touch you. Not again. I promise you this. Things will not be the same. ”
She starts to speak and stops before nuzzling back into me. “You are right. Nothing is the same anymore.”
four
Carnaxa
When I was a girl, I wondered what death would be like. I was curious how those called by the Goddess truly felt when they walked into the sea for the last time. I wanted to know how my mother felt when her heart stopped beating even though the Goddess never called her. I often look towards the moon and the stars wondering if they are our ancestors looking down on us fromMohashaas the stories claim, or if we were told such things to try tocomfort us.
If it’s anything like this ... I don’t want it. This darkness has surrounded me for what feels like ages. I am floating in a black starless sky with nothing to see or hold on to. I can’t even feel my body, and yet I know it’s here, but when I try to move or touch anything, I can’t.
“It’s time, Daughter.”
The voice echoes repeatedly to me. The voice is familiar, as if we are old friends. I had hoped my mother would be here, but so far it appears I am alone besides the voice that plagues me.
“It’s time, Daughter.”
Time for what? I’ll never know, since my life was forfeited as we entered Shaston. I can only hope that somehow those I left can maintain peace for Antalis. After trying to do what was best for my kingdom I find myself here, trapped and alone.
“It’s time, Daughter.”
At first I think the voice is of my mother, calling me daughter as no other would. But then I realize it’s not the same tone at all. Next, I consider it is the Goddess finally showing herself to me, but the words do not change and give no answers when I speak back. I think that’s what I’m doing ... speaking. It’s hard to tell. I try to beg the voice to let me go back to my friends, my family, and my twin drops. But I just continue to float and listen.
“It’s time, Daugh —”
The voice cuts off quicker than before and a moon appears for the first time in this dark unending sea. I look towards the leak of light as my body pulls towards it. The woman from my vision when I first entered Shaston’s borders comes into view. Althoughslightly melancholic, her smile possesses a gentle quality. Her hair is a darker hue of blue than my own before it turns to silver as it reaches the ends like the caps of a wave, and her piercing eyes are a dark blue as she meets my gaze.
“A ko?pi tæmi?æ,” she says through her thin lips, but I can’t understand the words. She tilts her head, watching me. “A Si?shaka... you do not yet speak Antihana?”
“No, it was not taught fully to me.”
She nods her head. “We do not have long.” She looks back behind her. “I didn’t know he would have his plans too when the cycle began. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t understand.”
She smiles at me, reaching out as if to touch me before pulling her hand back. “You’ve grown up beautifully, Carnaxa. ”
