“Ambassador Thylas, how can I help you?” She stares up at me.
“Can you come with me? My room is just around the corner here, I would prefer not to speak in the open.”
She seems hesitant before she nods and then confidently walks into the middle of the small room I’m lodging in.
“Nohæ... Naxa.” I step toward her and reach out to take her hand, but she pulls it from my grasp. “I’m sorry. It’s hard that you don’t remember.”
“I don’t remember, but Ereon told me. He told me of the night we shared and of what he knew before. I know you were whipped, and it was my fault, because you stayed with me when my mother died.” She says everything as if she’s memorized it, a lack of emotion in her words. But it’s her eyes that give her away. I know that look.
“Even after being told y-you don’t believe it?”
“I find it hard to believe, yes. But I’ll admit, I don’t know why he would lie about it. I think he told me the truth as he knows it …”
Confusion scatters across my face. “What would I have to gain from lying to you?”
“Power. You worked your way up in Antalis and maybe you still want more.”
“Me? You think I am capable of such betrayal?” I pace the floor, and my palms become clammy. She’s always trusted me, always believed in me. What changed?
“I think it’s plausible. Siphonie swears you tell the truth, but now I wonder if it wasn’t you deceiving all of us this whole time. Maybe you didn’t actually care for me. I was told that you didn’t act on your feelings until far into my betrothal with Ereon. I watched your face as you whipped him. You wanted to hurt him. I saw hate fill your eyes. No one can show me proof of anything, but I saw the ripples with Ereon the night of theNle Shom.”
I didn’t want to whip Ereon, not truly. Not at first. Then everything just came in waves and I got lost in my own thoughts, but it was only for a moment. And it only took a moment to send him to his knees.
I was always there for Naxa, during our time as children and into adulthood, even before I acted on my true feelings. I wanted her, but it was better if she didn’t love me back because I knew that soon the day would come when I would have to let her go. She was never going to choose me, she would have always chosen what is best for her people. A tightness pulls in my chest. This is my fault. The oath I made. These are the consequences. The lack of ripples, the evidence of our twin drop connection.
“Naxa, I wish I had proof. I bore your marks on my back for a week after our night together. I never left your side. I have been your shadow since I was eleven. I have dedicated my entire life to you. Even coming back to this goddess-forsaken kingdom of my birth, which I swore never to return to.”
Her blue eyes fill with revulsion before she whispers, “You are a Shastonian?”
Pla nloph!The Shamilish curse cuts through my thoughts. I’ve not even been back in Shaston long and already the language has returned as if I’d never left. Did no one tell her? Have I ever told her? I can’t remember right now.
Her voice rises as she subtly accuses me, “How fitting that a boy from Shaston should be the one to rise in ranks to a new position of the highest power — Ambassador of Antalis — instead of mycousin, Siphonie, or her husband. Who is to say that the King of Shaston did not send you to our shores for this exact purpose?”
No.Kosæ.No. I look at her, thinking of all the moments we’ve shared. But also I try to think of how it would sound if I was in her position, if I hadn’t witnessed the ripples between us. If I couldn’t remember, would I see myself the same as she does now?
“They may trust you, Thylas ... but right now, I don’t. Goodnight, Ambassador.” She starts to move towards the door.
Panic rises inside of me — the ripples — the twin drops. She saw that with Ereon through theNle Shom, surely she can still see ours. I grab her arm, turning her back towards me. Just as I did on the night ofTähtandMar, I wrap my hand around the back of her neck, pulling her to me. I let my lips crash into hers, letting her taste of sea salt and sugar take over me. I wrap my hands in her hair, praying to the Goddess that the ripples will show and she will see them.
Show her your strength.
She pushes against my chest, but I don’t release her. Hoping if I can just keep her here long enough, she’ll remember. Soon a flash of pain causes me to release her, and she stands with her hand still raised. Her lips swollen, she clutches at her chest. And I reach up to feel the heat of my cheek.
She turns to the door, pulls it open, and runs out. The door bounces off the wall and then stills, but I can’t bring myself to go shut it. I can’t bring myself to do anything.
I yell loudly before I grab the thing closest to me — a book — and throw it against the wall. It lands with a thud. And I know I’llnever have her back. Because even if she remembers, I’ll still be the one who forced myself on her.
twenty-four
Anara
“Do you have any clothing that is good for the snow, Princess?” I looked through her wardrobe and all I could find were the Antalian clothes she brought and a few Shastonian outfits. When she arrived in her room, after meeting with Thylas, she was visibly shaken. She hasn’t told me what happened, but she seems to have calmed down. She is mostly quiet, lost in her own thoughts. I wonder how many of those thoughts revolve around me or my place here. I wonder about it often too, where my place will be when everything comesto fruition.
“I don’t know ...” She cocks her head as if thinking. “Are these all of my things?”
I rummage around the room until I finally spot a chest in the back of the wardrobe. I open it up and find a white fur shawl.
“I found this. Looks like it’speshofur?” I hold it up and fluff it out. “Signs of good luck, they say. Cute animals, vicious little creatures though.”
