What a dream that would be. To be out from under my father's rule. Maybe, the two of us could actually usher in goodness to the kingdom of Shaston. It would be hard, I'm one of the men who help maintain its current status. But our kingdom, as it is today, isn't the dream my mother had. She believed one day, I could make a change. A change for the betterment of all people.
“Not while your father is still king,” she blurts out, her face changing to an expression of fear as she tries to back away from me. I grab her hand, pulling her back toward me. She scrambles for her words, “Forgive me. Again. I'm sorry. I guess my mouth has a mind of its own after I've just woken up.” My fingers trace the back of her hand, loving the coolness of it. Everyone I've ever been with has always been so hot, it's nice that she is cool.
“It's fine. If I am to be your husband, I want you to be honest with me. Only me.” I can't trust anyone else with her, not with the way her mouth gets away from her. I let go of her hand and run my hand through my hair in agitation, no. No, I can't protect her. Not now. Not from here.
The silence surrounds us awkwardly and I notice her hand graze a leather-bound book at her side. Squinting slightly, it's titled,The History of Shaston.
“Where did you find that monstrosity?” I dip my chin toward the book as she picks it up, crushing it against her chest.
“I brought it from Antalis. I'll admit it is a rather boring read, but I need to learn what will be expected of me when I get there.”
I laugh, grabbing a piece of grass from beside us and gently roll it between my fingers. “I was raised in the kingdom, it is boringto learn about even when it’s my homeland. I can't imagine choosing to read it. It must be what put you to sleep.”
“It's not all boring. It seems like everything is so ...” She searches my eyes, looking for a hint of anger maybe? She carefully selects her words as she licks her lips. “Brutish.”
She's not wrong there. As far as the rest of the continent is concerned, we are brutes. Partly due to the battles fought in the northern part of Shaston along with the line of succession that bred my father. It is awful bad luck that all other heirs die leaving only one male to assume the role of ruler. It's been recorded many times throughout our history. Obviously having to kill, or having your blood brothers die would make any ruler bitter. I have never had to experience that as my mother never had any other children. I guess, if I was to have perished, my father would have continued to rape my mother until she bore him another son. I'm surprised he didn't, just so that he could have spares. He never had the chance to consider because she took her own life after I was weaned from her breast. I used to carry a lot of guilt about her death, but now I think she's better off. I'm his son, I can't imagine what it would have been like to be his wife.
“It's just different, as your kingdom seems to me. You'll learn our ways I have no doubt. The people will love you and when it comes time for us to rule, you'll know how to be a true queen consort.”
She stiffens and runs her hands along her skirts again before picking at her nails, anxiety filling the space between us. She was brought up to be a queen, not a consort. I'm sure I would be frustrated if our roles were reversed, but this is out of my hands for now. Her father signed the contract, he knew what she would be. Even if he wants to play dumb now. It's not our fault he made bad choices in the wake of his wife's death.
“It's not in Shastonian nature to have a ruling queen other than a queen consort. Even my mother was never a full queen. It is nothing against you, you know this right?”
Her bright-blue eyes meet mine and there is a small flicker, the tiniest bit of hope behind them. As the sun shines down on her, I realize she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. My fingers twitch to push her on her back, to kiss her mouth and see what her skin would feel like against mine.
“I have read as much,” her words pull me from my thoughts. “I don't understand though. Why is it that women are not of equal stature in your kingdom? Simply because we don’t have cocks? How does your stave become more important than my cave, when in fact my cave is what produces the heirs you surely dream of?”
“I, um ...” I clear my throat. My father taught me that men are superior because of their strength, size, and ability to produce so many children in a short time. Women are nothing more than a bed for our seed to come to fruition, much like the grounds are for the harvest. He constantly told me, women are weak, small things. It was Anara who helped me see women are so much more than that, and Carnaxa is reminding me so, even now. They should be protected, they can be fierce and stronger than some men. Maybe not in physical strength, but in their resilience. But I can't let her know any of that. I will have my part to play just like she will. “We should be getting back to camp. I thought the rain was gone, but the sky seems to be darkening again with an impending storm. Plus the night will be settling in soon.”
She sighs a little, probably from having to leave this peaceful place. I don't blame her. She must trade the large green trees for sand so hot we can't touch it. A world that will change her, mold her by melting away everything good in her. And I'll be the reason, trading one life for another.
She gets to her feet, dusting off the backside of her sun-colored dress when I notice a piece of grass stuck in her hair. My hand drifts upward to pluck it out, her eyes blink at me. She looks at me like Anara used to. Full of hope, thinking maybe I am a nice man. Maybe I will be a good husband. Maybe there is something good inside me. There is nothing left that my father hasn't twisted, nothing left of the man I once wanted to be. Although, being away from him has me more confused by the day. But it doesn't change that nothing I do now can right the wrongs with Anara, damning myself and Carnaxa in the process. We are the lambs to be sacrificed, but I won't regret giving Anara her freedom.
“I'll just gather my things and be right behind you.” She turns, shuffling her belongings together. As much as I want to stay, she’ll be along shortly and I want to give her these last few moments of peace, of beauty, and of happiness. I walk back the way I came only glancing behind me once more. I see her staring up at the trees once again, and a smile escapes me before I return my expression back to neutral and my feet back to camp.
thirty
CARNAXA
Ereon walks away and I drift to the side. I told him that I need to collect my things, but in truth, I just need a moment. The closer we get to the Shaston border the more my nerves bloom and take over. The book isn't helping anything either; I thought knowing what was to be expected of me would help. Instead, it has me worrying even more.
“Women shall not show any skin from the neck down,” is one of the rules of this kingdom. The dresses will cover everything from my fingertips to my toes.
“Women shall not be permissible to speak without being spoken to,” is the second one I know I will have a hard time with. They must not understand how a woman's testimony can be valuable for many reasons.
I was reading all of these things when I decided I had had enough and wanted to take a nap. The trees of Midaeliea are huge, and I'm told their size represents their age. They tower over me and the sun, when it slowly peeks out from behind clouds, makes shadows along the ground. I told Thylas where I was, but that I needed to be alone. I'm surprised he is respecting my request for solace, even after he insisted I be watched by others today. After their conclave, one in which I still think I should have been a part of, he came back and I could no longer take the tension between us. I needed the space.
Sitting back down under the tree, I flip through the leather-bound book before putting it in my pack. Another book catches my attention, one I didn't realize was there before. Pulling it out, it's heavy but also feels as if one wrong move will completely destroy it.
On the cover are four circles interlocked in the middle. There is a divot in the middle of the circles as if something is missing, but the circles contain images of fire, water, earth, and wind. I've heard these are the elements of the Ashonera. It takes all of them to create a world, and that's what the Goddess used to make the first Antalians.
Touching the cover softly, I begin to slowly flip the pages. The smell of paper between the binding is one of my favorite smells and I would happily sit here without even reading it, just soaking up the rich scent of comfort. The writing it seems is mostly in the old language, in Antihana. I'll have to talk to Rhenor, or ThylasI guess, to figure out what most of it says. But toward the back, I notice the language changes. Slowly, it seems the old language changes to something else that I've never seen. But on the last two pages is the language we speak now.
I pull my legs underneath me, pulling my skirt over them and getting more comfortable. Running my fingers over the lines, I notice the handwriting – it's my mother's. Maybe this is a queen's account of ruling Antalis. I know my father said that some rulers prefer to write down their thoughts before changing rulers. It's helpful in knowing everything that has happened before.
“I will not be here long. I don't have the time to write like I once did.”
My mother's words bring tears to my eyes and it's only the first sentence. I flip back again, but no, it's a different language, this is the only one that is still in my mother's hand.
