“Just one, and if we are lucky, we won’t have any troubles.”
“So ... we hope for sunlight. And what if we can't make it through in one day?”
“Pray to your goddess, Captain,” Ereon’s snide comment grates on my nerves. But if what he says is true, then that willtruly be the only answer. Pray and hope that we don't encounter them.
As the soldiers filter out of the tent I follow suit, making sure not to catch anyone's eyes as I look around camp, hoping to find Carnaxa again. The firelight cast shadows along the trees. In an effort to give both Carnaxa and me some space, I've asked other Antalian guards to watch over her today, something I’m sure added to her discomfort. I know she's furious with me, and I don't blame her. I'm irritated with myself. But tonight, regardless of the varying tensions between us, I won't let anything get in the way of keeping her safe. So tonight I'll be in the tent as I have been during our entire journey thus far. She can stay mad at me, she'll get over it. She asked me to be her safety, and that's what I'll be.
I would have never put her in that position had I known of her innocence. Of course, does that make it better? Would it really have been better to have had her once and never again? My heart certainly thinks so. It aches for her, as it has for years. Since the moment I realized she was everything to me. The day my loyalty changed from her father ... to just her.
Four Lunar Years Ago
“I don't wish to do this, but it must be made apparent that the law of the King is the law of the land. When something is asked of you soldier, you must follow the command as though it is law. Regardless of your other inclinations.”
King Clennom stands behind me, his arm holding the nine tails that will soon lash across my back, but I regret nothing. I do not regret for one moment holding Carnaxa in her time of need. Because it was during that time I felt my heart slowingdown to match her heart’s rhythm. I felt my own heart break as she sobbed against me from the loss of her mother. I know she is not my drop, I won’t have one, but I don't care. I don't think I could ever feel for someone like I do her. Or maybe, just maybe, the Goddess is blessing the orphan boy who knows too much.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself? Because of you, I did not get to wish my wife goodbye as she left this world. You were told to get me as soon as anything changed because I trusted you and yet you disobeyed me.”
I stand there with my arms pulled tight around the column because I've already told him I was with Carnaxa. That I was taking care of her. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, and so I'll say nothing now. I'll take my marks with pride. I'll wear the scars as a reminder of everything I would do for her.
“Thirty lashings then ... if you have nothing left to say.”
The whip whistles through the air and meets the flesh of my bare back, making marks as the knots in the leather plunge against my skin. The king quickly adjusts his arm and strikes again. I refuse to give him the satisfaction; I refuse to cry out or pretend to hate where I was that night. I don't understand the pain he's going through, but I can imagine. I can imagine how it would feel if Carnaxa was taken from me, because I realized something that night. She is everything to me, I'll always protect her. But the point remains, as the pain lances my back, I won't scream, I won’t cry out.
Sticky blood flows down my back, and his arm picks up speed. It infuriates him that I'm not screaming. He wants to make me hurt like he is hurting right now. He's wanting my back to match his ravaged and raw heart.
“How about twenty more then, huh?” The anger seeping through his voice is unmistakable, making him sound unrecognizable. Proof of his complete and utter despair, of his anger. But anger not truly aimed at me, his anger at the worldis being taken out on my flesh. Never would I have imagined that he could inflict this type of pain on someone.
I stand there until my legs give out from the pain, gritting my teeth as much as I can. As my knees crack against the stone beneath me, I hope it will signal him to stop. I don't know how much longer I can stay this way, black specks already lining the outside of my vision. He continues. I would scream at this point if I could, but I'm stuck somewhere between being asleep and awake or maybe it's dead and alive. He’s definitely exceeded thirty lashes, I know that and so does every guard surrounding me, but not one of them can stop him any more than I can. The smell of vomit hits my nostrils, my own or someone else's, probably from seeing the scraps of flesh that hang from my back, I don't know.
I hear a scream from the window overlooking the courtyard, a blood-curdling scream from the only one who could wake me at this point. The scream I heard the same night my fate was set in motion. Carnaxa, she shouldn't be here. I heard him say that she was to stay in her rooms. But there she is, screaming and crying. I barely lift my head as her ocean eyes meet mine and I watch as she fights the guard who's trying to pull her away from the balcony’s railing. She spits in his face, and I struggle to stand.
“Remove her!” the King yells from somewhere behind me.
She's screaming my name and I can't help but twist my wrist, the ropes digging in even more as I try to get to her. The soldier, Marcus, grabs her waist and throws her over his shoulder. But she fights him the whole way.
I chuckle, probably from delirium, in addition to knowing she is about to give him a battle worthy of any soldier. Her father's whip digs into my back again, and then I hear it fall to the ground.
“You can't love her. Her mother's death changes everything. The Shastonians will know we are vulnerable and she's the only hand I have left to play.”
I don't know if he meant for me to hear that, but I did. And he's right, I always have and always will love her, but she's a princess and the only heir to Antalis. Her father will probably force a betrothal, the only thing he can do to keep Shaston from raining down on us. But I won't let her face that alone, and I won’t flee Antalis because I love her. I can’t let her worry about me anymore, it's time for us both to grow up and that includes letting each other go.
I don't want to be her weakness, even though she’ll always be mine.
Present
“You truly are a stubborn fool, Thylas.” Turning my head, I see Siphonie walking toward me, and she doesn't look happy. I stand outside of Carnaxa's tent trying to decide how to approach her. I've heard her stomping around inside and huffing, I'm sure because of me.
“BêlitSiphonie,” I greet her as I bow. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company tonight?”
Siphonie stands with her hands on her hips, pursed lips, and irritation written across her brows. She punches my shoulder; I don't know if it’s from when we were kids or if Rhenor's been teaching her – she can still throw a punch.
“Go shuck a shell, Thylas! How dare you leave that mark on Carnaxa! Do you know what would happen if Ereon were to see it?”
“I'm sure he would be rather agitated, if I had to guess.” I rub my shoulder. She's not as scary as she wants to be, at leastnot to me. Once you grow up with someone, it's a bit hard to be scared of them, especially when you've seen them go through their teenage years.
“Foolish, absolutely foolish,” she huffs and runs her hands along her purple dress.
“Your husband has already berated me today, I'm well aware of what you will say. Yes, I'm a fool. Yes, I shouldn't have. But no, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for what I did and I'm not sorry for stopping it. Because it was me who stopped it, Siphonie. Not her, I could have had her. I know the position that would have put her in, especially in Shaston and I will not put her in danger, ever. So can you please save whatever speech you were planning to waste your breath on?”
