“I am home. Antalis is my home. I don't remember life before washing up on the beach here, but I hope to make Shaston my home as well, hopefully I’ll be just as welcomed there as I have been here.”
It’s the only thing I can say to remind the Prince that he won’t be getting rid of me anytime soon. He stares at me and Istare right back. I am not royalty, I'm not even aBêl… but this man will not make me feel less than because of my birthplace or lack of status. My birthplace, my one secret that I've kept hidden from everyone else. The one fact of my life I claim not to remember. But I do.
I remember my mother's face, and the sound of her voice as she sang me to sleep. I remember being stripped from her arms, and the way she screamed my name as everything went black.
“Forgive me, but I must take my leave. I need to see if the dock master has found more people to join us on our return journey to Shaston. We will need them all if we are going to arrive home safely.” Ereon pushes past me, his shoulder meeting mine but I don't falter and he doesn't look back.
Once he is gone, Rhenor looks at me and declares, “This is going to be such an exciting trip, stuck between two boys with egos larger than their heads.”
A soft knock on my door stops me as I'm packing my belongings, what few I have anyway. The moon is already breaching the sky and I expect this to be one of the new soldiers needing directions to their charge. Opening the door, I blink at the sudden arrival of the last person I expected. Her fire-colored hair is braided and wrapped at the top of her head and she's dressed in a red dress that hangs to the floor, it’s just a shade or two darker than her hair. I lean against the doorframe before she pushes her way through.
“I heard you were leaving with the Princess.” Chantara walks to the center of the room before turning to me. How did she find my room? I have no clue, I've never once brought her here. I never would, because that would have blurred the lines that wereso clearly and easily drawn. I shut the door behind her and take a deep breath.
“What are you doing here?”
Her eyes look down before slowly coming back up to meet mine and she breathes out, “I want to go with you.”
The words hit me like a punch. “Why inkosæwould you want to do that? Shaston is not somewhere any woman would choose to go.”
She wraps her arms around me, pulling me into her before her full lips crush mine. Her hands wrap up in my curling, inky strands as she pulls me even closer to her. I run my hands up her bare back because of the low dip in her dress, and find her shoulders before pushing her away.
“Chantara,” – I step back, away from her, and watch as tears threaten to spill from her eyes – “I can't do this. I'm sorry if somehow I made you think that we were more but I have other things I have to do, other oaths to uphold. I did not intend for you to get attached to me. I thought I made my intentions and expectations clear.”
“I thought ...” – she shakes her head – “I thought you were my drop.” She rubs her hands up and down her arms as if she's cold.
“We both know that if I was your drop there would be no thinking about it, but I also know I am not. Not for you, not for anyone.” I can't help but take a step toward her and pull her into my chest as the tears start to flow. I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted to lead her on. But what I said is the truth, she's not my drop. I don't even know if I'll ever have one. That is for those of Antalis and I am foreign born, I am not Antalian.
“Look at me.” I lift her chin up, her eyes staring into mine. “Shaston is not your future. You'll be much happier if you stay here.” She looks up at me and the look on her face is crushing. “I promise. You will be safer here.”
She nods her head. “I'm sorry for thinking … I don't know … I'm sorry for … I'm just going to go.” She turns on her heels. Her red dress has tear stains on the collar around her neck. Without looking back at me, the door slams as she leaves and I'm left in the center of my room wondering what I can do to make this better, but the answer is clear.
Let her go. If I chase her down or even if I bed her, nothing will make the pain of me leaving go away, and I don’t want her to think I’ve changed my mind. I am leaving, I don't love her. I can't, the part of my heart that could love someone is already broken and bruised because I dared to dream.
I don't want to go to Shaston, I would never want to go there. I would live the rest of my life in Antalis if I had the choice. I remember waking up on the beach feeling as if I had found the afterlife. The feeling of peace that surrounded me was something I had never felt in all my eleven lunar years. I sigh deeply, slowly reminding myself this land isn’t my home. My home isn't a place like everyone else’s, but a feeling. It’s the same feeling I had when the girl with the ocean-colored hair and eyes found me. The feeling I have every time she is around, even though she'll never be mine.
I run my hand through my hair and already know tonight will be a night where I drink myself to sleep and find myself fucking my hand to thoughts of things that can never be, and the memory of the night I had her in my arms.
fifteen
CARNAXA
“Princess Carnaxa, do you have everything you need?” Mira, one of my handmaidens asks me as she enters my room. Her weathered hands softly land on my shoulders as she leans in to kiss my cheek. I've packed the trunks and collected my things, so I smile at her trying hard to keep the tears from escaping.
“Very well then Princess, I'll leave you to say goodbye. I'll meet you when it's time to leave.”
She leaves, quiet as a mouse. The excitement of the festival just two short weeks ago has faded as the kingdom has returned to its dread-filled state. My people know I am leaving. Will I return? That’s still a hope I hold dear to my heart, that one day I will return.
Combining two kingdoms in such a way is something that has never been done. The world, according to myths, started with only Antalis, then the Goddess created Midaeliea, followed by the nightmare of Shaston. The stories surrounding the beginning of the Southern Continent are confusing from what I remember; the continent, seeming to have appeared overnight at some point during the Great War.
I take in my room one last time, now looking foreign with the lack of my belongings. The room where my mother tucked me in at night and weaved intricate and beautiful stories of the Goddess, the room where I had so many memories with Siphonie, Marianna, and Thylas, now bare. It is the room where I’ve cried because my mother was gone, laughed so hard my ribs hurt with Siphonie, and woke from nightmares to find myself safe.
There is a soft knock at my door before Thylas slips in. His dark hair is tied low at the nape of his neck, and his armor shines to perfection. His face is grave as he steps into the room. “Are you ready?”
His emerald eyes peer into mine, not flinching, not looking away. And I shake my head, tears begging to be let free. He quickly shuts the door and comes to me,wrapping his arms around me and holds me against his chest.
“There is nothing to fear,Nohæ.I will be there the whole time. So will Siph and Rhenor. Just like I promised you, I will never let anything happen to you.” His lips graze the top of my head. “Plus, I have something for you in the hopes you’ll feel safer.”
He lets go of me and I instantly miss the feel of his heat surrounding me. He pulls out a brown cloth from behind his back. Pulling the cloth apart lies a small, silver dagger, just a bit longer than my hand. It glints in the sunlight shining through the windows. The jewel at the top of the pommel catches my eye. The blue stone has lines of silver webbing across its surface, reminding me of the ocean waves cresting. Reaching out hesitantly, I trace the fuller, the deep groove that runs down the flat side of the blade, and breath deeply.
