You were never a number
A bright spirit of wonder
A soul that should have grown older
An angel I should have kept closer
I gnaw at my bottom lip, drag a trembling hand through my greasy hair, pinching at the bridge of my nose. My heart slams inside my chest when I’m hit with where to take my agony next.
I turn to Harlen, lift my head, eyes wet, smearing more blood across the thin paper where my throbbing hand rests.
I speak in a croak, “Those chords, the ones I showed you at the clubhouse before…before…” I pause, can’t finish, can’t bring myself to get the words out. “The ones Jade helped me with.”
A guitar pick is in his mouth, and he’s flicking it with his tongue when he reaches for his dad’s old acoustic again.
“Yeah.” His voice is muffled around the plastic, then he spits it into the palm of his hand and runs it through a loop.
A shiver trickles down my spine, my thoughts wheeling back to that day in my room with Jade, with my keyboard, with my frustration, her blanket of ease.
I’m reminded of the way Jade had pushed her hand to her chest and said,“And make sure you let yourself feel it right here, too. Because if you don’t…” She tsks, shaking her head. “You’ll never find what you’re looking for.”
Harlen rolls the notes over, and I rasp, “Don’t stop doing that.” And with sticky fingers and a quivering hand, I pen what comes next.
Take me back
To the gun in my throat
Can I go back
And not fucking choke
Weak and spineless
Hand me the rope
Bullet or blade
It’s time for me to go
It’s time for me to go
And meet my sister’s ghost
I close my eyes, hear Jade’s voice again, an ever so quiet reverb at the back of my head, something I hope to never misplace or forget.
“Drag us through your rubble, tough guy.”
My shakes quickly turn into a palsied shudder, sweat dampening my body.
I stroke my hand across the back of my neck. I’m staring at the blood next to me, hers dry, mine fresh, when the phantom of Laiken’s voice, the cadence of terror, barrels through like a tumbling web of steel.
“Ch-ch-chase, help.”
“He sh-sh-sho us, and now…”
It feels as if I’ve been incinerated from the inside out.
I let my chin fall to my chest, my hands now dangling over my knees. I draw back a deep breath.
