It was impossible to find a lull when I was drowning in my own mind.
Every time I tried to close my eyes, I saw Laiken next to me in the tunnel, holding me, me holding her, hearing the vibrato of pain we shared rattling in my ears.
It terrified me.
I’d taken the half-filled bottle of whiskey that Rusty had accidentally left behind after joining me and Harlen on the deck, where we sat in a still, comfortable silence for some time. I’d settled into the lounge, pressing hard against the timber siding.
It’s where I remain now, lying on my back.
It wasn’t the first night I’d spent out here. However, it was the first that I’d lingered on the thought of her, her lyrics, and what she’d shared with me.
I wet my lips, shuffle the hood at my head, covering the sides of my face and pushing deeper into the cushions.
I didn’t know what time it was, but I did know dawn was fast approaching. Fluorescent oranges and pinks are at the heel of twilight, and the thick trees that line the edge of the water cast grim shadows across the inky lake, giving way to the bright light building at its rear.
I had been lying here for what felt like hours staring at the lyrics Laiken had written, stuck on four of her words that made me sick to my core.
Never felt so small,her truth glares back at me and tension cords the muscles in my neck, because it tugs at something frayed inside of me.
As a guy, there were things you never wanted to admit, actions you just couldn’t accept. And being drugged and beaten into oblivion were two of them.
It made you feel weak.
Small.
The realization that I’d lost my mind at the same time my sister lost her life had fucked me up.
One mouthful of a drink rendered me senseless, my sister preyed upon and murdered, and Laiken fighting for her next breath.
For the past three years I’d asked myself the same questions.
If I hadn’t accepted that drink, would any of this have happened?
Would Jade still be here?
Could I have stopped this?
I was dragging myself around on broken bones.
My jaw is clenched so tight I think my teeth might break, my knuckles too. When I drop my chin, I see the skin has split open again, liquid crimson bleeding across stark-white bone. And I didn’t have to look at myself again to see the lines of contrition that had cut into my face.
Shouldn’t have accepted that drink.
Shouldn’t have accepted that ride.
Laiken and I were left in the same broken pieces, blaming ourselves for the decisions we had made and the ones we hadn’t, and I didn’t quite know how to accept that.
I tuck my face into the crook of my elbow, push away the agony leaking from my eyes, snorting back what I can at my nose.
Her truth, the lyrics she gave me yesterday, only compounded mine. And that…fucking scares me.
I lean over, and reach for my almost empty bottle of water. As I lie back down, the glass door beside me slides open.
Laiken walks through the opening wearing my bright red hoodie she’d stolen years ago with a pair of white crew socks that bunch like booties at her ankles. Her white-blonde hair touches her shoulders, parted down the middle with both sides tucked behind her small pixie ears. Her green eyes against the red hoodie make them look brighter and bolder than I’ve ever seen them. However, I don’t miss the red rimming her eyes.
She looks like she’s been crying—or maybe she’s rubbed her eyes too hard.
Her palms are cradling a mug, her thumb pinched to two thin strings hanging down the side.
