“Yeah, B. She would be so fucking proud.” He coughs, then clears his throat, his voice coming down the line a little bolder this time. “Fuck it up, Blainey.”
A warm tear rolls down my cheek, and I quickly swipe it away, unwrapping the red ribbon from around her shoes. “It’s all for her, Keats. This… It’s all for her.”
“Do it for yourself too, okay? She would have wanted that.”
When the tears fall a little harder, and the shake of my limbs strengthens, forcing my legs to numb, I whisper, “Love you. I’ll talk to you soon.” Then I pull the phone away and press the end button before I lose all control.
My trembling fingers curl around my headphones as I quickly shove the small buds into my ears and block out the noise around me. I bury my face in the crook of my arm and wipe the tears away like they were never there, pressing play on “Real” by Andromida, Dropout Kings.
“Fuck it up, Blainey.”Keats' repeated words stutter through my head over and over and over, eventually merging into hers.
“Let the music heal you through your emotions. Give it the space to guide you out.”Her tone is so vivid. Each syllable wraps its warm arms around me and holds me tightly, the exact way I remember.
Throwing my phone down into my bag and hiking my left knee up to my chest, I pull down the black ballet stirrup tights resting around my calves. The audition rules stated that pink tights were what was acceptable,but fuck pink,pink is too pure. I’m going to do this my way.
I survived in the darkness, and I will dance in it too.
I cradle both sides of her shoes, slipping my left foot right into it with a painful shiver when three sets of pointed, out-turned feet appear in front of me. Shoving my cherry locks behind my ears, I raise my eyes and see three women standing above me. They look at me like I’m below them, like I’m nothing—a piece of literal shit.
Nice.
Pulling out the headphone from my left ear, it continues to play through my right as I ask, “Can I help you?”
The blonde one in the middle scoffs at me. It’s a nasty fucking sound and I’ve decided I don’t like her.
I raise my eyebrows in a ‘go ahead, bitch’ motion. Then I notice all three sets of eyes are locked on my right ankle. The damage is so visible. Permanently raised and puckered, a mixture of deep purple and crimson red. The skin is mangled, hard to look at without shivering. It’s fucking disgusting.
She scoffs again, only this time a little louder, then a spiteful laugh accompanies it. I keep my eyes pinned on her dark browns when she jerks her chin right at the mess and says, “Clean yourself up.”
I drop my chin to my chest and laugh beneath my breath.
Can I take her out? I totally can, right?
What the actual fuck?
Biting my bottom lip back into my mouth, I do my best to keep myself on the floor when all I want to do is stand up and rip her to fucking shreds.
All three girls laugh between themselves as they step back. Little cowards.
I’m about to throw fucking hands, when a buzzing races through my headphone.
Glancing down at my phone, I watch Cameryn’s caller ID shoot its way across the screen. I snatch it up quickly. The urgeto answer it strong, yet I just stare right at it, watching it ring out.
I know that if she was with me, she wouldn’t have thought twice about retaliating. Cameryn doesn’t fuck around when it comes to trash. She takes it right out.
I swallow hard, feeling the subtle clench of guilt’s grip around my throat. I hate that I’m keeping secrets from my best friend. I haven’t told her that I left Shadow Heads, or that I’m here, in her city, Los Angeles.
She has no idea what I’ve been through—the very trauma I’m battling every day.
It’s a good thing she has a busy schedule and doesn’t have the spare time to pry. Not that it’s something she would do anyway. She’s good at holding space for me, the same way I always have for her, except I need my best friend. I need her so fucking bad. I've needed her foryears, only I’ve had to learn to live without her.
And that fucking kills me.
My hesitance to see her comes from the company she keeps, specifically her association with not only Tyler, but nowHarlen. They all tend to follow each other,like one big family.
Well, if social media rings any truth.
At times, I find myself wondering what it would feel like to have a group of people in your life that would quite literally die for you the way she does.
