I swallow hard, sucking in a deep breath. “I don’t even know,” I admit with a ragged exhale. “I need help.”
“What’s going on?” There’s a twinge of concern in his voice. “Are you safe? Did something happen?”
“No, Dad, I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m in bed in the hotel room.” I pause, closing my eyes as I press my palm against my forehead. “I think something is wrong with my mind and I don’t know if I should go see a therapist or what to do.”
He’s silent for a second. “What’s going on, bud?”
“You remember Jade from the charity gala?” I rub my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together.”
“Okay…” His voice trails off.
“I—um—I can’t stop thinking about her,” I say with a heavy sigh.
My father’s quiet for a moment. “This is what you want to see a therapist about?”
“I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head. “Is that someone who could help? This isn’t normal and I don’t know how to get it to stop.”
“Matteo.” There’s a soft chuckle that sounds through the phone. “Bud… This is normal when you develop feelings for someone.”
“I’m not supposed to have feelings for her,” I say in a rush, raking my hand through my hair as I lean back against the headboard. “We agreed this whole thing was just supposed to be friends with benefits. I don’t get involved with women like this.”
“I know you don’t want to have a relationship with anyone, but what I don’t understand is why? What are you afraid of?”
My mind circles around the words I’ve never spoken to my parents. The things I’ve kept to myself because it’s not something I could ever just casually bring up to my mother or my father.
“Fully trusting someone,” I admit, my voice barely audible. “I leave before it gets serious. Before I have to put any kind of real trust in them.”
“But why, Matteo?”
I swallow hard, the words falling from my lips before I can stop them. “Do you think you would have ever known about me if me and mom didn’t go to Aston after Aunt B died?”
My father doesn’t say anything at first, the silence stretching between us. “I would like to think I would,” he admits, his voice quiet. “I don’t know. I know your mother didn’t keep you from me on purpose, Matteo.”
He lets out a deep breath. “She sent me messages and they all went to the request folder. I never saw them. It’s not completely her fault. The phone numbers she found for me and the addresses—none of them were real.”
“But she knew you were in Aston, right?”
“She did,” he admits again and my stomach sinks. “A quick search on the internet told her exactly who I was and where I played.”
“And she didn’t confront you?”
“No,” he says after a moment. “Your mother and I lived two different lives at the time. You’re a professional athlete, you know how these things go. The way we met and what happened, it was so casual. She assumed it was something I did frequently, and honestly, she wasn’t far off. She was afraid and I couldn’t fault her for that.”
He clears his throat. “She made a mistake and that’s okay. We’re all human. It may have kept us apart for a few years, but we can’t do anything to change that.”
“Why didn’t she try harder?” I finally ask, feeling the weight lifting from my chest as I let go of the one thing I’ve been holding on to for years. “Why did she keep me a secret from you?”
“Bud,” he says softly, his voice tender and filled with sorrow. “You were never meant to be a secret. Things aren’t always so simple or easy.”
“Were you upset?”
“I was caught off guard by it all,” he says. “I didn’t believe her at first. But after the paternity results came back, I knew there was no way I was going another moment without being a part of your life. I could see where your mother was coming from. I won’t lie to you and say it was easy, but we got past it. I forgave her, with time, and look at what we have now.”
Silence wraps around me, the confliction compounding inside my chest. “You just trusted her without any reservation? Without any resentment?”
“I was hesitant at first, but I knew she was worth the risk. Your mother had a lot of guilt and regret and those feelings wouldn’t change anything. Together, we took a chance and now, look at what it has given us.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “We have created such a beautiful life together filled with so much love.”
I’ve been wrong about them for so long. I’ve created this scenario inside my mind of how things were between them. I questioned the validity of trust because of not knowing the truth. I never once thought of my mother’s feelings at that time in her life. All I could see was the deception, not the emotional turmoil beneath it all.
