THEO
Sorry.Can you come to mine?1221 Commercial.Front door code is 1410.Top floor.Door on the left.
I feel slightly better.Yeah, I have to face Grady, but doing it in private is better than in public.In case I puke again.Or in case Grady’s going to tell me he hates my guts and he wants me to leave Maine forever.I would do it if he asked.And I wouldn’t blame him in the least for asking.
Grady only texts back with a thumbs-up.So I get myself on my feet, splash water on my face, and quickly gargle some mouthwash.I’m rinsing out the shower when there’s a knock at the front door.My heart pounds as I turn off the water and walk through the open-concept loft to the door.I swing it open like tearing off a Band-Aid.
And there he is, my six-foot-six redheaded wall of a (former) best friend and (emotional if not biological) relative.He’s holding two takeaway coffee mugs.
“You still drink caramel lattes?”He holds one out to me.
I take it, careful not to touch any of his long fingers, because if we touch, I think I’ll barf again.“Thanks.Come in.”
Grady steps through the front door, and I close it behind him, resisting the almost overwhelming urge to run out the open door and leave him there alone.I don’t think I can do this.I know I have to, but… fuck.Is it a good sign he’s here, forcing this confrontation?Or is it a bad one?My nervous system is too busy melting down to give me any kind of gut feeling.
“Nice place,” he says as his hazel eyes dart around the space, whichisnice.It’s all brick and exposed pipes and beams.The wall facing the water has floor-to-ceiling windows.There’s a small balcony on the left side of the loft, which takes up the whole front of the building.He walks past the kitchen, past my bed, and through the dining area to the living room.He stares out the window.“Nice view.”
“It’s an Airbnb,” I say.“I’ve got it until December.”
“And then?”Grady turns from the view to look at me.I’m still standing at the entry, the coffee cup in my hand, which is shaking no matter how hard I try to make it stop.Grady notices.“Theo, I’m not mad so you can relax.”
And now I can’t look at him.I turn away, take a couple tentative steps into the kitchen, and set the latte down on the quartz countertop.“But I am.I’m furious with myself.”
“You didn’t make that video maliciously,” Grady tells me, his tone low and soft.“Even in your very gone state, you weren’t being cruel.You were actually being really fucking nice and kind.You just… accidentally outed Landon and me.”
“I… fuck… I hate myself, Grady.Like I said in that letter I sent you guys, there is no excuse.I won’t try to make one.I was a careless, stupid asshole.”I stare at the countertop until my vision blurs, and then I close my eyes and wipe at the tears that try to slide down my cheeks.
“Theo, I forgive you.Landon forgives you.”Grady’s voice gets closer.“Look, we weren’t in the closet.Everyone who mattered to us knew.We never lied.We omitted, which we have every right to do.No one has to know my sexuality, no matter what I do for a living.”
“Still, I fucking took that privacy from you because I was?—”
“Drunk.Yeah.I know.But alcoholism is a disease,” Grady says.“Full stop.”
His hand lands on my shoulder.I turn away, and Grady laughs.“Dude, you love hugs.Stop acting like that’s changed.”
It hasn’t.I do love hugs.But I don’t deserve hugs.Not right now.Maybe never again.And especially not from Grady.He yanks on my shoulders as I try to walk away, and then he pulls me into him, and his chest is against my back.“I love you, cousin.Always have.Always will.We all love you.”
“Stop.”
“Don’t tell me what to fucking do.You ghosted me all summer, so fuck you, I get a hug,” Grady grumbles, and I give in.I turn and hug him back and choke down a sob because fuck, it feels so fucking good to be forgiven, even if I can’t forgive myself.“It’s okay.Everyone is okay.Landon and I are happier than ever.And thankfully, you didn’t ruin yourself.”
The hug ends, and I finally feel like I have control over my emotions.But then I look up and see Grady’s eyes are swimming in tears, too.“Fuck.Stop.Damnit.”
Grady laughs again.“Sorry.God damnit we’re embarrassing.”
“The worst.”
“So not cool.”
“Nobody will ever fuck us,” I mutter and sniff.It’s an old joke.We’ve been razzing each other about being uncool and unfuckable since we grew pubes.
“Speak for yourself.Landon gets turned on when I’m pathetic.”
He laughs, and I do too.We wipe our eyes, and I expel all my heavy emotions on a long breath.“Drink your offensively sweet drink and sit with me.Let’s catch up.”
I take the latte and follow him to the big plush couch.He sits on it, and I grab the chair across from him.“Remember last summer?After I outed our problem to Auntie Rose and Uncle Luc, and they sobered you up?”
“I wasn’t sober.I mean, not like everyone thought I was.”I sigh.“Do you remember I was always hiking?”
