Theo
She gasps as soon as the power goes out.It’s the kind of gasp that makes my heart jump.I blink, trying to get my eyes to adjust to the darkness before I move.I can hear Lola’s breathing, uneven and loud, as if she’s struggling to get air into her lungs.So I stand and round the coffee table, hoping I blindly get the dimensions right.I don’t, and clip my toe, biting back an expletive.
I reach for her, swallowing down the pain in my pinky toe.“Lola?”
“Is it going to come back on?”she croaks.Her usually confident voice, which carries a teasing lilt, is shaky and uneven, like her breathing.“Soon?”
“I don’t know.These storm blackouts are unpredictable.”I blink a couple more times, hoping to see better.I can see shapes now, including the shape of Lola, and she’s slipped off the couch and is on the floor, between the coffee table and the couch.She seems to be curled into herself.Maybe holding her bent legs with her head on her knees?It looks like that, but I can’t be sure.“Lola?You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah.No.Maybe,” she says in quick succession.“Sorry.I hate the dark.Especially when it’s unexpected.”
I reach for her, gently and slowly, but she still jumps a little as my hand touches her shoulder.Then she puts a shaking hand on top of mine, so I don’t pull away, and I know immediately this is some kind of panic attack.I pull her up.She moves willingly, but every part of her is trembling.My heart lurches because I know this feeling, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.“I’m gonna hold you, okay?”
“I’m fine,” she insists.
“Okay, well, you can be fine in my arms,” I reply and slowly, gently pull her the short distance into my chest.I wrap both arms around her back firmly but gently.Her head turns so her left cheek is pressed against my right pec, and I slowly rub one of my palms up and down her back.She feels good against me.She’s warm and tiny and tucks right in, just right.I try not to dwell on that thought for fear it might move into the thoughts I was having earlier.About how hot she is and how her snarky personality makes her even hotter.And how long it’s been since I’ve had sex.How I desperately need to fuck something other than my hand.
After about a minute, her arms circle my waist, and a minute after that, her breathing feels and sounds more even.“You asked me why I was out in a snowstorm in a T-shirt.Well, the answer is I was trying to shock my nervous system.Sometimes everything inside me feels like it’s wound way too tight and I can’t breathe, and I can’t think.And I want a drink to calm everything down.The cold can do the same reset as a drink.It’s way more aggressive, but it works.”
“You get panic attacks.”
“I get anxiety attacks, yeah,” I reply, still rubbing her back.“I usually take cold showers or cold plunges at the rink because we have ice baths in the therapy room, but I don’t know… the snow felt like another way to fix it.”
“Darkness makes me panic,” she tells me what I clearly already know.“I’ve used night lights since I was a kid.Even in my college dorm.I don’t know why, and it’s so fucking annoying.”
Her sweater is soft against my skin, but I stop rubbing because I kinda want to feel her hair now.It’s short, pulled into pigtails, but it’s also glossy and looks thick.So I palm the back of her head, and yeah, it’s like silk under my fingers.“It’s a phobia.They rarely make sense.”
“I’m okay… I am…” She takes a big breath.“This is so embarrassing.”
“Babe, I just told you I’m a sober sex virgin, which is way more embarrassing.”
She pulls out of my arms suddenly.“Please say you have a flashlight or candles or something?”
“There’s a candle in the bathroom.I didn’t buy it.It was part of the decor or something, but we can burn it.I’ll replace it.”I reach for her hand because I don’t think I should leave her alone.She lets me take it, and I pull my phone out of my back pocket and hit the flashlight button, holding it out to light our way.
Her hand is small but strong.Lola is very petite, but somehow still seems like a powerhouse.She’s not delicate.Even in her panicked state right now, there’s an underlying confidence radiating off her.In the bathroom, I grab the candle from the shelf above the toilet and head back into the kitchen.She doesn’t suggest letting go of me, and neither do I.Not even when I have to rummage around in the junk drawer for the barbecue lighter.The candle is one of those big ones with three wicks in a glass jar, so there’s a decent amount of light.And I can see her face relax a little in the glow.God knows how long this outage will last, but hopefully the candle gets us through.
“Your fireplace needs electricity?”she asks, noticing it also went out with the power.
“Yeah, it’s one of those fancy electric ones,” I say and try not to obsess over how fucking gorgeous she looks in candlelight.Her eyes seem like the palest shade of blue in the soft light, and they pop against how much darker her hair looks.She catches me staring.
“I’m sorry.I know I seem like a… well, you signed on for boring and all you’ve gotten tonight is bitchy and panicked, which sucks for you,” Lola mutters.
“Stop,” I say firmly, and her eyes shoot up to mine.“You’re perfect.”
“I’m a wreck,” she whispers.
“Get in line.”Our gazes meet again, and the air becomes charged.I suddenly don’t have to worry about the heat being out and this place dropping in temperature because I’m hot and a little bit bothered.
She licks her pretty lips.Okay, I’m a lot bothered.“I realize when I told you to, like, go have sober sex, it might have seemed like I was kind of implying… offering.”
“Don’t worry.I wouldn’t ask you to be my sexual guinea pig,” I reply, and she puts a hand on my chest, just left of the Riptide logo.“I’ll figure out how to have sober sex with someone at some point.”
“Go on the apps.”Her voice is breathy, and it’s like a caress to my long-neglected cock.
“The dating apps?”I shake my head.“Those are for dating, right?I don’t want to date.”
“There are hook-up only apps,” she counters.
