UNCLE LUC: She’s always had a competitive streak.
MAYHEM: Hey. No fair. When I was seven you promised I could be your flower girl.
AUNTIE C: Tenley Garrison… What on earth got into you?!
TATER: Everyone calm your tits. It’s not real.
AUNT ROSE: How is a marriage not real?
MAC: Oh this is getting good. I’ll make popcorn while I wait for the answer.
“Tenley Jennifer Garrison!” My mother has never, ever used my entire name.
My eyes snap off my phone and I quickly shove it into the kangaroo pocket of my hoodie. “Sorry. It’s the family. They’re going nuts.”
“Of course they are. You’re fucking married!” Dad barks. He’s pacing my small living room like a bear in a crate.
I didn’t expect them to race straight to my apartment when they found out. I didn’t expect them to find out. I woke up to Tate FaceTiming me, and as soon as I picked up he was frantic. Yelling about TMZ and Dad freaking out and Mom crying and… Jesus. How is this my life?
“Look, it isn’t a real marriage.” I’ve been saying this since they stormed in here but no one seems to be absorbing that very important fact.
"Oh, are you in need of a Canadian Green Card? Defecting, are we?" Dad snarks. He becomes the king of sarcasm when I piss him off. Luckily I don't do it often. In fact, Tate has accused me of being Daddy's little girl and having him wrapped around my finger. It's true, we've always been close. And I love him in the way that I hold all men up to him as a standard. But we have butted heads before. Nothing to this level though, and it stings to think he's so mad at me.
“You keep saying it’s not real, but what the hell does that even mean?” Mom asks, exasperation thick in her tone. Her green eyes are sad and wide like she’s pleading with me to make it make sense.
“It happened in Vegas before the season,” I explain. “Nash and I… tease each other. A lot. Have for years. Honestly we don’t even like each other, but we like bugging each other.”
Mom and Dad exchange looks I don’t understand. I don’t bother to question them about their weird facial expressions because I have to make them understand. “We started daring each other on that Vegas trip, as a way to annoy each other. I dared him to drink things. He dared me to eat things.”
“Eat what?” Dad growls and his brain must be going somewhere sexual. Ew. Gross.
“He made me eat snails.”
“You ate escargot?” Mom looks flabbergasted. “But you don’t eat anything from the ocean…”
“Unless a cow went swimming,” I finish my famous line for her. I’ve been saying it since I was fourteen. “Yeah, well, he dared me and you know how I am with dares. Anyway, I dared him to jump off the Stratosphere with me and…”
"For the love of God, how were you born without a fear gene?"
“It’s not a gene honey. It’s an emotional response,” Mom interjects.
“Anyway!” I bark, getting them back on topic. “I think at some point one of us dared the other to get married. The details are non-existent in my brain, and Nash’s, but that’s what we were told. And we looked for a marriage license immediately. Hell, Nash even hired a lawyer to do a record search but no one could find anything so we assumed it wasn’t a real chapel or a real marriage.”
“But it is?” Mom croaks.
“Apparently,” I mutter. “I found the marriage certificate a few days ago in a jacket I had taken to Vegas.”
“How the hell did that shitty tabloid find out?” Dad growls.
“That’s a mystery.” Although I have my list of suspects, I think to myself. Fisher ratted me out to the studio and he also knows that I have an ultimatum: stay married or my documentary stays shelved. My doc that he thinks is his meal ticket. There is a good chance Fisher leaked the info to force me into staying married. “I’m working on it.”
“I know you’re my wild child. My fiercely independent, go-against-the-flow child, and I love you for it Tenley,” Mom says quietly. “But this… this is too far. This is… insane.”
“I know. I agree. I’m sorry.” I hang my head a little and feel tears prick my eyes.
“I’ll call a lawyer and get this taken care of,” Dad mutters and reaches into his pocket for his cell. He looks at the screen. “Avery has called me four times.”
Nash's dad. Oh shit, he must be pissed. Dad used to play with Avery who was literally the poster boy for the league back in their day. He was squeaky clean with an untouchable image. He doesn't micro-manage his hockey-playing sons, but he does have high standards for them. Drunkenly eloping with a random girl probably doesn't fit with that.
