“You’re right you shouldn’t have said it,” I reach up and grab his face in both hands, the beard tickling my palms. “And you shouldn’t believe it either. Because as much as you shattered my heart, you didn’t make me get in that car, close the garage door, and turn on the engine. What made me do that was depression.”
“But we had just broke up. And I—"
“Depression would have driven me to that even if you had stayed with me, Abbott.” My voice is firm and strong because I need him to accept this. “There’s something wired differently in my brain, and that’s why I did what I did. I had undiagnosed depression. No one else’s fault. Not even mine. I know the timing sucked and I thought a lot about it while I was in treatment. About how you might blame yourself and I wanted to tell you not to. Only you never came to see me and avoided me like the plague after that.”
“I thought I needed to leave you alone, so I didn’t hurt you again,” Abbott replies, his voice shaky. “And then, when I found the courage to at least face you and apologize or tell you how much I still thought about you… you were married. And you asked me to respect that. So I did.”
“And I figured it was water under the bridge,” I admit and realize how stupid that was. “I didn’t bring it up because you didn’t and I figured I should let it go.”
“That water under that bridge was still drowning me in guilt,” Abbott informs me quietly.
“Well it doesn’t have to anymore. And you don’t need to worry about me doing anything like that again,” I promise him and kiss him chastely. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“But you checked yourself in to that hospital when you went to New York.”
I nod. “Because I didn’t want to end up there again, trying to hurt myself. I got the help I needed.”
“Okay. I’ll stop worrying.” Abbott grins. “If you stop worrying about my drinking. Because I promise that I am back on the wagon and this time I’m wearing my seat belt so I won’t fall off.”
I smile and he kisses it off my face.
21
ABBOTT
I twistthe sheets in my fists as he pushes past the first ring of muscle. I’ve done this before, with this exact toy. In this exact room. So why does this feel so much better this morning, with Declan’s hand guiding it instead of my own hand?
“Fuck, babe, you are so tight,” Declan whispers, his breath dancing over my hip. “I can barely get it in.”
“Don’t be gentle,” I beg and arch my back as he pushes it just a little bit more. “I want it. Hard.”
Declan groans and through my half-closed lids I watch him pump his hips into the sheets next to me. I know he’s hard and that this is torture, but he’s the one who insisted we try the toy before he fucks me. I wanted to go straight for the real thing but I also want to give him anything he wants. Since my total meltdown four days ago, he’s been my rock.
He’s handled all the Cup Day stuff without involving me so I don’t get stressed out. He’s cooked for me, making incredible meals every night. He’s helped out with Andie when Aspen needed it, so I could go to a couple AA meetings and also start training a little bit longer and harder. And most importantly, he’s forgiven me. All the shit I said, all the hateful words, he’s let drop completely. And he’s convinced me to forgive myself for all the guilt I’ve been carrying since we broke up as kids.
It’s been only four days but every day feels like a year when it comes to emotional growth for me. It’s been incredible. And this…. His fingers working the toy in and out of my ass, while he licks and sucks on my cock, is what dreams are made of. I reach down and run a hand over his scruffy hair, pulling it back so I can see his eyes flutter as his lips cover the tip of my cock. “Harder, Deck. When I’m sitting there across from my Coach later today, I wanna be sore so I have to think of you. Of us. And I’ll smile in that dickhead’s face.”
He makes a desperate sound which reverberates down the shaft of my cock and he pumps harder and faster with the toy. And then, without me having to beg, he hits the massage button and it starts to vibrate. Right against my prostate. I tilt my hips off the bed and throw my arms across my mouth to stifle the loud, erotic groan that wants to escape as I come into his mouth.
“Oh my fucking God, you are so hot,” I hear Declan hiss out a few seconds later as he pulls his lips off me. The bed is shifting and I know he’s moving so I struggle to open my eyes. The depth of the abyss I just toppled into is hard to get out of. When my lids finally manage to flutter open and I drop my hand away from my face I see him, on his knees, facing me, pumping his own cock with a rough abandon. His head is tipped forward, his eyes roaming my body greedily. I find strength I didn’t know I still had and scramble to an all-fours position in front of him. “Fuck my mouth, baby. Please.”
He palms the back of my head with one hand and levels his dick with my lips with the other and then he pushes his hips forward and does exactly what I ask. And it’s fucking heaven. He comes at lightning speed and after he collapses on the bed, I collapse beside him. Our lips collide and I can taste myself on his tongue, just like I know he tastes himself on mine. I’m almost hard again just thinking about it. But I tell him, “I’m done with blow jobs.”
His eyes open. They’re the coolest eyes on the planet. I remember looking over at him as kids while he sung in the church choir at Christmas, right beside me, and taking in all the hues. His eyes are a range of ice to cornflower blue all swirled together. They’re beautiful. But right now, they’re looking as worried and confused as they did that night on the beach when he told me my sister said he couldn’t kiss. “You don’t like my blow jobs?”
“I love your blow jobs almost as much as I love you,” I reply simply and smile. “But I want your cock in my ass so badly I can barely breathe. And I’m not waiting. Tonight. You and me. Or rather, youinme.”
“I want to be alone when we do it,” Declan replies, but he’s smiling because he wants it as badly as I do. “I don’t want Aspen home or any chance of interruption. I want us to be able to take as much time as we want.”
“I agree.” I push his hair back from his forehead. “But Aspen is working tonight.”
“Again?” Declan frowns a little. “This is a big job, I guess.”
Aspen announced the other day that she was starting to work again at her private investigation business. I wanted to argue but I couldn’t. She’s been at home, jobless, with Andie for three months. I don’t mind fully supporting her, but she minds. And she loves her job. So Declan and I have been babysitting, with some help from Javi.
“She says it’ll wrap up soon,” I reply. “Tonight is the last night and she’s looking at apartments and day cares.”
“How do you feel about that?”
