It breaks my heart and I feel tears prick the corners of my own eyes. “Failing Conner would be staying with a woman who doesn’t think you are the single most amazing human being on the face of this earth. Because that’s what that kid believes you are and he would want whoever you are with to believe it too.”
He says nothing. I hear nothing but his uneven breathing.
“And Conner deserves to have two parents who are loved just as much as he is, even if it’s not by each other,” I explain and roll onto my side and curl into a ball, the phone wedged between the pillow and my ear. “Conner will survive divorced parents. You and Ashleigh both love him. And his uncles and aunts love him. And his grandparents love him. As long as he is loved—and you love yourself enough to do what’s best—the kid will not feel like a failure and not think of you as a failure. I promise.”
“You’re amazing,” he whispers.
“I am,” I say with a smile. “And I didn’t even have parents! Remember that.”
He laughs. It’s tiny and weak but it’s better than nothing. “You had my parents. They love you like a daughter.”
“I know. And I’m eternally grateful.”
“You deserve it, Cal,” he replies quietly. “You deserve love.”
I feel suddenly panicked. I don’t like where this conversation is headed. It feels like it’s taking a turn I’m not going to like. “You going to take that cold shower or what?”
“Not as much fun without you,” he murmurs. I think he may be starting to fall asleep.
“Devin, honey, go to bed.”
“Mmm…are you in bed?”
“Yes.”
“Are you wearing those cute pajamas? The ones that get see-through when they’re wet?”
Oh my God. I go from zero to completely turned on so fast I should have whiplash.
“No. I’m wearing a T-shirt and pajama pants. It’s cold tonight,” I reply quietly. “And there’s no one here to warm me up.”
“I wish I could warm you up,” he mumbles.
I have the distinct feeling he may not even remember this conversation tomorrow—but I will. “Well, maybe I should just warm myself up and think of you while I’m doing it.”
There’s a pause. “Yeah. You should,” he agrees in a husky voice.
“Go to sleep, Devin,” I command again.
“Mmm. ’Night, Callista.” He uses my full name and it feels intimate and special. No one ever uses it. I had no idea he even knew it.
“’Night, Devin.”
I hang up.
Holy shit, what are we doing? I sit there reeling, trying to calm down and ignore the dampness in my panties. Fifteen minutes later I give up the fight and let my mind wander to thoughts of him as my hand slips into the front of my pajama pants to work myself to a release.
Chapter 26
Devin
As I walk up the driveway, I feel like I might throw up from nerves and embarrassment. When I woke up this morning, my head was pounding and my brain was foggy, but as I got ready to meet the team and get on the bus to head for the airport, my memories became clearer.
Last night after Ashleigh’s phone call I got obliterated at the bar. There were puck bunnies everywhere, as is usually the case in Canadian towns, and a short, perky redhead was following me around like a puppy. I talked to her a little bit and a part of me wanted to take her back to the hotel and fuck her senseless. But I didn’t.
Both Loops and I stumbled back to the hotel room with just each other and looming hangovers. He pulled off everything but his underwear, left it in a heap on the floor, and was snoring loudly before his head hit the pillow. I stripped into my underwear and I took my cell and headed into the bathroom to call Callie.
I didn’t remember much of the conversation when I first woke up this morning. I could recall talking about maybe getting divorced. As I showered I started to remember what she said about Conner. Her words made sense and they alleviated a lot of the guilt I was feeling—not all of it, but enough that my chest no longer felt like it was in a vise and my shoulders weren’t so tight.
