“There’s nothing you two need to discuss about the op,” Logan replies firmly in that tone he gets which always makes me think he would have made a great doctor. It’s so authoritative and confident. “In fact, a huge percentage of kidney transplant patients and donors never even meet.”
“Yeah well, we’re friends and so we’re discussing stuff. Why do you care?” I dare to steal a sideways glance at him. It’s dark in the car, but I can see he’s not scowling. Not smiling either, though.
“Because I’m worried your childhood crush is back full force and it was a bad idea then, and it’s a bad idea now,” Logan tells me. “You’re both in a really vulnerable space and Jake doesn’t make great decisions when he’s vulnerable.”
I glare over at him. “Did you just call me a bad decision?”
“No. I mean … that’s not what I meant,” Logan sighs. He tightens his jaw, I can see the muscle in it bulge. He’s literally fighting to keep his mouth shut about something. “He makes rash decisions. Really big ones. He changed his middle name to his last name. He moved clear across the state because he made up some big personal attack in his head.”
“He doesn’t exactly have the proud family history we do, Logan.” I can’t believe I have to remind him of this. “He’s probably better off without his mom’s last name. And we hurt him by not including him in your crisis. He has abandonment issues, rightfully so, and we added to it. Did you tell him the truth?”
Logan nods tersely. “Yeah. We’re good. He understands and won’t even tell anyone else in the family I told him.”
I nod. That’s probably a good thing because Declan would blow a gasket if he knew we were talking about this again. Even with Jake.
“My point stands. Jake’s just a guy who doesn’t really think things through. Aspen’s apartment burned down and he automatically invites her to live with him. You know how bad they are together. That’s another bad decision,” Logan turns onto my street.
“And I dated Tom for half a year and ignored all the warning signs he wasn’t the one or even worthy of consideration for the title,” I reply and tip my head back against the seat. “We all make rash decisions at some point, Logan. That doesn’t meaneverydecision is rash.”
“Why were you dating Tom if you didn’t see a future with him?” Logan asks as he stops at a red light and looks over at me with curious blue eyes.
“Because I was lonely. And Tom was a great guy. On paper,” I sigh, put my elbow up on the door and start to twist a lock of my hair. “There just wasn’t that rush, you know? That feeling like you can’t focus when they’re in the room and the constant excitement at the possibility of seeing them again when they aren’t in the room.”
Logan nods but then shrugs. “I’ve never had that either.”
“Not even with Bethany?” I ask of River’s mom.
He pauses a second and I can see the guilt take over his face. “I was stupid-drunk the first time we hooked up and I figured it was a one-night stand, but she kept hanging around and showing up and calling and she liked to party as much as I did, so I kept seeing her. I asked her to marry me when she got pregnant because Ma would have murdered me if I didn’t.”
“Shit, Logan, I never knew that.” We didn’t realize how bad Logan’s drinking was until that car accident, but I still didn’t realize that he never had real feelings for Bethany.
He shakes his head now as the light turns green and he continues driving. “Don’t get me wrong, I would do it all again if it meant I got to have River exactly the way he is, which means having him with Bethany. But I would have not let Ma’s Catholic guilt get the better of my decision-making.”
I think back to what just happened with Jake and wonder if it could have happened earlier if I hadn’t been dating Tom. “I probably wouldn’t have dated Tom knowing what I know now.”
Logan nods. “Makes sense. But Terra, you gotta promise me that you won’t let this—Tom or the lupus—cloud your opinion of yourself and what you deserve.”
“I don’t think I deserve less because I have lupus,” I reply and close my eyes. “I just think the disease has taken away some of my options. And don’t tell me it hasn’t, Logan, because it has. Part of the biggest battle with this disease is trying to convince other people you’re sick. Don’t make me convince you.”
“I know you’re sick, Terra. I was almost a doctor and also, I grew up with you. I saw the struggle, the exhaustion, the fevers, the pain, the hair loss, but that doesn’t make you unworthy of love.”
“This from a guy who refuses to even attempt to date because he made one mistake in his life,” I can’t help but say. Logan frowns.
“Not the same thing. I made a massive mistake, you have an illness you didn’t cause.”
“Technically, alcoholism is an illness you didn’t cause either, and it’s responsible for your mistake,” I argue back.
“I am responsible for my mistakes,” Logan replies firmly. “And stop trying to turn this around on me, please.”
“Okay let’s talk about Jake instead,” I say casually. At least I hope it sounds casual because as soon as I say his name, my heart skips a beat and I feel warmer all over. “Why do you think he’s still single?”
“Because he wants to be,” Logan turns into my apartment complex. “He, like you, thinks he’s not good enough for the whole white picket fence and passionate, undying love crap. And that’s why I worried too, Ter. You want that perfect love story and Jake doesn’t think he’s that guy for anyone. The man has a fucking medal and still won’t call himself a hero of anything let alone a love story.”
“He’s grown a lot and I don’t think you give him enough credit,” I reply as he pulls to a stop in front of my apartment complex. “He’s no longer worried about what other people think. And you can’t scare him into not dating me… if he did want to date me.”
“So threatening to fire him from the Shack then tie his ankle to the boat anchor and sink him with the lobster traps if he touches you isn’t going to work this time?” Logan asks and I glare at him. “What? Finn and I were stupid teens who didn’t want you to be touched by anyone, let alone our buddies.”
“Why couldn’t I have sisters?” I sigh. “Look, don’t bug Jake. I like him. Not again but still. I’ve always liked him. He gives me that rush that Tom didn’t and he’s also kind of saving my life. Remember that.”
