Spurred on by my anger at my brothers for humiliating me in front of everyone and the growing confidence I have at Jake’s defense of me, I march over and stick my hand in the hat and snag a piece of paper between my fingers before Abbott can yank it away.
I unfold it and panic pierces my heart as I read it. I swallow but there’s no saliva in my mouth suddenly. “Dare?”
“Are you unsure?” Abbott looks over my shoulder to read the paper himself. “Yep. Dare. Okay… I dare you to—”
“I should get to pick since I just went,” Casey interrupts forcefully and turns to me. “I dare you to… pick a guy and go into the closet for one minute.”
“What? Pick someone? Me? No,” I stammer out. I can’t pick. If I pick then it’s my choice. I’m showing everyone who I like. I won’t pick. I’ll die before I pick.
“It can be a girl if you want,” Casey shrugs. “So… pick. Unless you are really a toddler like Logan said, then you can go upstairs where the adults can babysit you.”
More people laugh at that than I would like. I feel humiliated and panicked and angry. I hate this girl so much suddenly. I hope she chokes on that tin of caramel popcorn she’s holding. Everyone is watching me. Aspen gives me a nudge. “Make a pick, Terra. You know you want to.”
“Leave her alone. Terra, go upstairs,” Logan says and he looks deadly serious. Like Dad when he’s barking orders at Tom Brady from his recliner during a Pats game.
“Bite me, Logan,” I bark and start walking towards Jake. I stop right in front of him and poke him in the chest. Hard. “You. Let’s go.”
The room erupts with so many whistles and oohs and ahs that Abbott actually shushes them. I walk toward the closet and pray with every fiber of my being that he is following. I’m shaking on the inside even though I’m not on the outside. It makes no sense but it’s like my blood and guts are in an earthquake right now that no one else can feel or see. I would probably puke if I’d eaten any of the cookies, candy, and chips on the long table next to the Christmas tree. Luckily I didn’t. I fling open the door and only then do I turn around and see… Jake is following me.
Oh my God this is happening.
I step into the darkness of the closet before anyone can see my face explode in heat or my arms and legs shake with nerves as that earthquake inside me starts to breach its confines. Jake hesitates for the briefest second on the threshold but then, he steps inside. Casey walks up and shuts the door saying firmly. “Sixty seconds starts now. Have fun kids.”
And now darkness. And Jake. And me.
“Terra,” Jake whispers, which is the only reason I know he’s close. I can hear him crystal clear. “I’m too old to be in here with you.”
“No you’re not.”
“You’re a freshman and I’m… well I should be a junior.”
Jake was held back in seventh grade. He’s also dyslexic so school has always sucked for him and it’s why he dropped out this year. I wish he could see my face right now. I know my expression is one of adoration. Admiration. I think Jake failing a grade is not a big deal. I know he’s thoughtful and kind and funny, and all of that matters more than how you do on stupid standardized tests.
“So what?”
“It matters. I mean, juniors shouldn’t take advantage of freshman.”
“I’m the one who hauled you in here so you aren’t taking advantage,” I remind him. “Are you mad at me?”
I blink out of confusion. My eyes adjust the slightest bit to the inky, tiny room and I can make out a vague outline of his tall, lanky frame. He’s actually less than a foot from me. “No. Of course not. Why would you ask that?”
“Because picking me is going to make your bothers want to kill me,” Jake announces. “Or at the very least, stop hanging out with me. If you aren’t mad at me then why would you do this?”
Because I want you to be my first kiss.My mouth is open but the words don’t come out. “Because I… you’re… because I don’t hate you.”
He doesn’t respond. I can almost hear the time ticking away and nothing is happening.Nothing. Except all those spiders I know must be in here are probably inching closer to us. I take a step forward and my nose bumps into his chest. “Ouch!”
“Are you okay?” Jake asks and I feel his hands hit me in the stomach. “Sorry. Damn. Is there a light in here?’
“No light!” I say in a whisper yell and gently reach forward, palms out, and I hit his chest and slide my hands slowly towards his shoulders. “Just… don’t make this worse.”
“Terra,” his voice has changed. It’s deeper. It’s rougher. He sounds older than sixteen somehow. My belly becomes a butterfly sanctuary. “I can’t… do what Finn did with Casey. Not to you.”
“Oh…” I feel the belly butterflies disintegrate under the burn of humiliation as clearly as if battery acid has been poured over them. My hands that have reached his shoulders suddenly feel cold. I start to pull them away from him. But then his hands are on my hips. Firm and warm, holding me right up against him.
Those butterflies rebuild themselves like a Terminator. “Terra, your brothers are the closest thing to family I have. Your mom treats me like a son. No one else does that. You know that. I’ve never said it, but I know you know. You’re the smartest person I know.”
His grip tightens on my hips. No boy has ever held me like this or at all. I tilt my head up to where his must be hovering above me. “I won’t tell them. If you just kiss me once no one has to know.”
