“I thought he was a dick? Are you fucking a dick?” Dixie says. “Why are you fucking a dick?”
“Technically we all fuck dicks,” Sadie quips and Dixie rolls her eyes at the bad pun. Sadie looks over at me again. “But seriously, Win. Is this like some kind of…I don’t know…like grief therapy or something? Are you really with him? Do you like him? How did this happen? When did you break up with Ty? Are you seriously just going to hide here forever?”
“Please just stop,” I say and for some reason tears are building behind my eyes. “I don’t want to discuss my life with you guys, which is why I was hiding out here. So I could be alone.”
They both look wounded by that and I feel bad but it’s the truth and I’ve spent way too much time in recent years avoiding the truth. Sadie’s face falls. Dixie looks like she might cry. I feel that cold dark ball of guilt and sadness starts to fill my gut again.
“Winnie,” Dixie says with a trembling voice. “We lost him too.”
And the tears fall. From my eyes, from hers and from Sadie’s. We’re three sobbing messes. Sadie grabs us both and pulls us into a hug. I hear Holden’s trailer door open and then close. I think he probably saw us and scooted back inside to give us privacy, but then I hear him clear his throat. We pull apart and I wipe at my eyes. Holden is hunched over with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. “You ladies are welcome to talk it out in my trailer. I have to get in there and work.”
I shake my head. “Let’s go to the beach.”
They both nod and as we head down the driveway, I try not to look directly at Holden. I’m a big enough mess as it is, but he squeezes my shoulder as I pass by, and I have to look up. He hands me the blankets I was wrapped in last night. “It’s chilly. Take these.”
I let him pile them in my arms. “Thank you.”
At the beach it’s low tide, so we walk all the way down the where the sand starts to dip and we drop down, side by side, to stare at the surf. Dixie and Sadie drape a blanket over their shoulders and I wrap myself in the other one. It’s not as cold as it was the last couple of days and I think it might be warm and beautiful today. We don’t say anything for a long while and just watch the waves crashing on the shore. The finally Sadie speaks. “Is it really over between you and Ty?”
I take a long, slow breath. “Yes.”
“Why now?” she says.
I close my eyes and tip my head up to the sun. “The month before we all moved to San Francisco, I found out he was fucking one of the other accountants in his office.”
“Winnie, oh my God,” Sadie gasps.
“That fucking piece of human garbage,” Dixie says furiously.
“I’m the asshole that was too weak to leave him,” I say and open my eyes to look at their faces. Dixie’s expression is pure anger and she looks like Jude right before he punches someone on the ice. Sadie looks concerned, which reminds me of my mom when we used to do stupid stuff as kids. “I should have just ended it back when I found out, but I didn’t because he was sorry and said he loved me and I decided to try to forgive him.”
“I could never forgive that,” Dixie says.
“I couldn’t either and I think I knew it,” I reply and run my fingers through my hair, trying to tug out the tangles out from the night before. “But I still didn’t end it.”
Sadie sighs, tracing lines in the sand beside her left knee. “Well at least I finally understand why you two were fighting so much. You could have told us. We would have been there for you just like we’re trying to be here for you now.”
“We were all already dealing with so much,” I say. “And I wasn’t ready to tell anyone it happened. Fuck, I’m not even ready now.”
“Okay first of all, you have nothing to be ashamed of and second of all, you have nothing to feel guilty about,” Dixie says firmly as she tucks up her legs, wraps her arms around them and rests her chin on her knees.
“Why did you finally end it?” Sadie says softly
“Dad told me to.” I glance over and they’re both staring at me. “In his letter.”
“He flat-out said dump his ass?” Dixie questions and I laugh lightly.
“No. He knew I wasn’t happy, and he urged me to go after my happiness,” I say and swallow the lump in my throat. “He said it was now or never, and he’s right. I mean, Holden is an example of that. Dad wanted to renovate the cottage forever and never did, and now he’s not going to get to see it.”
“Dad’s right.” Sadie nods, staring out at the ocean. “Life is now or never. I’m trying to remember that and not put things off and enjoy everything I’m doing, every moment with Griffin and even every good day at work but…I still miss him so much.”
“Me too,” I sniff. “How is Mom doing?”
“Better than I thought she would be,” Sadie says. “She has her bad moments, but she’s going to a grief counselor and she’s coping.”
I nod and guilt fills my heart. I haven’t kept in contact as much as I should. “I will call her.”
“She’d like that.” Dixie reaches for my hand and squeezes it gently. “But she’s okay if you don’t call too. She knows you better than anyone. She knows you have to handle this your own way. Like a weirdo.”
