I try not to look him in the eyes as she tugs me down the sidewalk. I shouldn’t feel bad, but for some reason I do. We walk another two blocks and Cat looks over her shoulder and frowns as she stops and turns around. “Why are you following us?”
“I’m not. I’m heading home,” Holden replies, frustration tainting his voice.
“Can you walk some other way?” Cat asks.
“No,” he says flatly and his shoulders visibly tense. “Look, I get it. I fucked up with you—with everyone—when I was a kid and you’re never forgiving me. Fine. But let me fucking live my life.”
He brushes by us on the sidewalk and storms ahead. His aggressive reaction startles me, but I get it. He’s frustrated. I find myself feeling bad for him. I want Cat to give him a chance…I want to give him one too…I just don’t know if I can. We walk about a half a block behind him until we reach Cat’s street and she stops and gives me a hug. “You going to be all right?”
“Of course,” I say with a chuckle that I almost choke on. “Holden is harmless.”
She looks like I just told her Hannibal Lecter likes to snuggle. I ignore it and wave good-bye as I continue walking. “Save me a cinnamon roll in the morning.”
I can hear her sigh as she turns down her street. Holden is just a shadow up ahead—shoulders hunched, head down. I find myself picking up my pace until I’m almost stepping on the back of his heels. He knows I’m there but he doesn’t acknowledge me and it makes me feel worse. “I’m sorry about Cat.”
“Don’t be,” he growls back. “It’s fine.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I mutter. “I mean she is still bitter about her grandmother’s pearls and I would be too if you took something sentimental from me.”
“Like whatever the hell is on that paper you had with you the other day?”
I wasn’t expecting the conversation to move to that, so it’s like a bit of a gut punch. But when he finally glances over at me, as I step up beside him, I nod. “Yeah. Like that.”
“Are you going to tell me what that was?” Holden asks.
“A letter from my dad,” I say but my voice is scratchy and dry so I force myself to swallow. “He left each of us a letter to read after he died.”
He doesn’t say anything for a second as we walk and then he nods slowly. “That’s gotta be nice and yet painful at the same time.”
“Exactly.”
We turn onto our street. The air is getting cooler and cooler because we’re getting closer to the ocean and I shiver. He notices and starts to pull off the jacket he’s wearing. I shake my head, but he ignores me and drops it over my shoulders.
“God, you’re confusing,” I sigh.
“Excuse me?” I can tell by his tone that he’s annoyed.
“It’s just the way you are with me is the opposite of the way you are,” I say in the worst attempt at an explanation ever. The confused and annoyed look on his face reflects that. So I try again. “I mean, you’re nice to me and funny and even borderline charming.”
“Borderline charming,” he repeats and smirks. “I should put that on a T-shirt.”
“But then you’re still friends with assholes like Kidd and I find you on a dark street corner talking to a guy Cat claims is the local drug dealer,” I say and lift my hair out from under the jacket he draped around me. “And I hope I don’t have to say that I don’t want any drugs anywhere near my property.”
He stops dead in his tracks a few feet from my driveway. His jaw is clenched and his shoulders are rigid, but he has a wounded look on his face so I’m not surprised he turns and starts storming toward his trailer without another word. I find myself chasing after him. “Holden, look, I’m just saying you confuse me!”
He turns so quickly it shocks me and I step back. “No. You’re saying you think I’m still a fucked-up kid. Or worse, that I wasn’t just a fucked-up kid, I’m an inherently bad human being. And that’s not at all the case.”
“I don’t…I’m sorry,” I stumble over my words like a guilty-as-sin, completely inept criminal because that’s what I feel like.
“You should be,” he snaps and steps closer so we’re toe-to-toe and then he reaches out. I assume he’s reaching for his jacket but his arm circles my waist instead. He yanks me until our torsos bump. I shiver again, but I’m anything but cold. “The truth is, whether you know it or not, you’re searching for excuses. Reasons why you can’t like me. Because you do. You like me and you loved that kiss.”
His arm around my waist tightens and my heart takes off in a gallop. I open my mouth to speak—but what am I going to say? You’re right. Because he is, but I’m not willing to admit it, at least not in words. I’m pretty certain that, as I rock up on my toes and wrap my arms around his neck as I lay one on him that he’s getting the message.
He takes over the kiss, parting my lips and claiming my mouth with his tongue and my body collapses against him in relief. I realize in this moment, that no matter who he is or isn’t, he is exactly what I need. And that revelation is chilling because I’m still so lost. He might be my light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t know if he’s as dangerous as an oncoming train. So when he pulls away abruptly, that too feels like a relief.
“What are we doing?” I ask desperately.
“I know what I’m doing, Winnie,” Holden says firmly as he slowly takes a few steps backward, away from me. “I’m building a new, better my life with my business and falling for an amazing girl…but I don’t know what you’re doing and I’m pretty sure you don’t know either and that’s why I’m walking away right now. Good night.”
