I laugh and begrudgingly pour the beer into the glass. I take a sip and roll my eyes at him. “Better?”
He nods and looks back over the crowd before glancing sideways at me. “I think you should be next.”
“To get married?” I snort. “To who? Please say Liam Hemsworth. Or Chris. Or both. Is that weird? I don’t even care. I’ll marry both.”
“I don’t know who,” Jude replies, ignoring my Hemsworth rambling. “But since we were kids I always thought you’d be the one to settle down first and have like five or six kids.”
“Umm…hell no,” I reply, horrified. “I want two. Only two. I’ve seen childbirth up close and personal. I know what it does to the vag. Too many births and that thing is a wreck.”
“Please. Just don’t go there.” Jude shakes his head, pinching his eyes closed as if to block out horrible thoughts. He takes a deep, cleansing breath. “Stop trying to get me off the subject.”
“Okay, let’s go back to talking about me marrying the Hemsworth brothers.” I give him a happy smile, but the little shit isn’t having it. He wants to be serious. And I guess, because it’s his wedding and I love him more today than ever, I relent. I take a big gulp of my beer, wiping some foam off my top lip. “In case you haven’t noticed, I am not dating anyone right now.”
“Of course I noticed,” Jude says. “And in a way it’s a relief because I don’t have to stress out about you, or know that one of my teammates has seen you naked, which is zero fun. I mean Eli’s a gentleman about it, but I still sometimes want to punch him out of principle.”
“I won’t date a hockey player, even when I am ready to date again, so no worries there,” I promise.
“Good to know.” Jude rubs the back of his neck, and we both watch Winnie emerge from the house. She looks calmer and more relaxed than when she stormed off. “And promise me you won’t date some guy you aren’t actually madly in love with. Because clearly that’s garbage too.”
I glance over at him and hold up my pinky toward him. “Pinky swear.”
We lock pinkies, and then he clinks his bottle to my glass. We both take another swig. “So when will you be ready again? And why aren’t you ready now?”
“Look around you, Jude. Life isn’t exactly easy right now.” I sigh and hold up my hand as he opens his mouth to argue. “I know. It’s not easy for you either, and yet you’ve got Zoey and Declan and I can say, without a doubt, that bringing people into your life and your heart made life easier and better for you and for us. I mean, look at Dad with his grandson.”
We both look at our father, who is happily holding a sleeping Declan. Jude’s eyes are watering, and I punch his shoulder. “Pussy.”
“Fuck you.” Jude laughs too.
“I can’t let someone in because I’d be like Winnie. I’d take and I wouldn’t be able to give because I already give so damn much. My job, keeping it together for Mom, keeping Winnie positive, keeping Dixie calm, being a rock for Dad.”
“You’re not in this alone,” Jude says quietly after a moment.
“Exactly. I’m not,” I reply and sip my beer. “We are all holding each other up here. And it’s only going to get worse. We’re going to be devastated by his loss.” I swallow and fight tears yet again. “And I don’t want to risk being devastated by anything else right now. Does that make sense?”
“When it’s the right person, there’s no risk of devastation,” Jude counters as his eyes move to Zoey, who is dancing and laughing with her brother and his partner, Ned.
He looks back at me, and I roll my eyes at him. “Pussy.” He laughs and shoves me, and I shove him back. “Go dance with your wife.”
He walks away, and I smile as I sip my beer.
I love my family. I don’t need anyone else right now, and honestly…I just don’t have it in me to let anyone else in.
2
Sadie
It’s a slow night in the ER at San Francisco Memorial. That used to be a blessing, but now it feels like a bit of a curse. I come to work now for more than a paycheck or professional fulfillment. Now it’s a place to hide. A place to get my mind off my problems and get a reprieve from my family. And when it’s not busy, I can’t escape—the dark thoughts in my head or the constant texts from my mom, my sisters, my brother, and my sister-in-law.
I glance at the clock above the nurse’s station. Ugh. It’s nine-forty. My shift only started two and a half hours ago, and I’m here until seven in the morning. I sigh as my phone dings in my pocket yet again. So far I’ve been ignoring it. I checked one message—the first—and it was just Winnie bitching about her boyfriend. It’s gone off three more times since then, so I assume it’s still her unloading all her frustration with Ty.
I glance at it now, though, just to be sure. We’re not supposed to be on our phones, but they let me check it occasionally because they know my dad is sick. Just as I thought, there’s more than one from Winnie, all complaining about Ty. But then there’s one from Dixie. Short, in all caps:
ARE YOU AT WORK?
My heartbeat seems to stumble as I read it. Dixie, my youngest sister, does not take all caps lightly. Something is wrong, and I immediately think of my dad. The last couple of months since Jude’s wedding he’s been in a steady decline. I glance up. I’m the only one at the station. I can see Shelda, a friend and fellow nurse, at the end of the hall, and there’s a doctor in one of the triage rooms stitching up a woman who almost chopped the tip of her thumb off cutting mushrooms. Our other patient, an elderly man who slipped in the bathtub and was brought in for observation by his nursing home, is resting comfortably in another room. I sink down into the chair and start to type back.
Yes. At work. Is it Dad?
