No. I can’t. I won’t. I’m suddenly the wild, restless and completely reckless teenager he always thought I was—the one I wanted to be. “Fuck me, Jude. Fuck me like I’m the only thing you want.”
And he pushes—hard—sinking into me quickly and fully. My back bends and the air evaporates from my lungs. Something like a whimper twisted around a gasp makes its way from my open mouth. He’s inside me, bare, and it’s perfect. He moves, a little out and all the way back in, and makes his own new sound—a groan and a grunt and his voice is someone else’s—darker, deeper, rougher, needier as he pants out his words.Fuck. Zoey. Jesus, this. So good. You’re perfect. I can’t. Ah. Uh.
Physically, emotionally, everything inside me is making love to him right now. My heart, my head, my body. I’ve never felt like this. Never knew there was something this intense. Every nerve ending in my body pulses stronger and stronger until it’s too much. The world goes dark and I fall apart—my mind and my body melting. I don’t even realize I’m pulling at the tie around my wrists as I thrash until Jude reaches up and roughly smacks a hand over mine, pressing both my palms gently against the metal frame. My eyes crack open in time to see him come. His face is flushed, his expression wild, and a noise tears out of his throat, raw and heavy.
Oh my God, I love him.
He’s got everything—all of me is his. I can’t stop it. I can’t get it back. It’s too late. My heart and soul are his. In one clumsy motion his hand on the bed frame yanks at the tie as his body drops onto mine.
“You’re free,” he pants weakly into the pillow next to my left ear, where he’s buried his face.
My hands are numb, but I move them up into his hair anyway. My eyes close and fight to quell the bliss and fear and confusion that are blowing through me like a tornado with the power to lift and tear apart everything. “I’m so not free.”
He doesn’t hear me. I didn’t think he would. I’m not even sure the words actually formed. But the realization did.
28
Jude
I’m terrified. The all-consuming rush of my orgasm immediately turned into an even vaster swell of panic. My pulse won’t stop racing, my breath won’t fill my lungs again, and I can’t stop sweating, so I roll away from her onto the other side of the bed, and then I immediately sit up, so my back is to her. I need to calm down, and I won’t do that if I look at her. I push my fingers into my hair, pressing the heels of my hands into my temples.
“We just did that.” Her voice is low, soft and stunned. “Oh God, we did that.”
“I’ve never lost control like that. Not with anyone,” I admit, still struggling to catch my breath.
“You’re freaking out. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have…” I feel the bed move slightly. She must have sat up. I have to look at her. I need to calm down and look at her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it happen…”
That weak, wobbly admission is like a slap to my senses. I twist to face her. The room is mostly dark, but even in the shadows I can see her devastation. Her complexion is ashen, and her eyes are wide and watery. I cup the side of her face with one hand. “Come here.”
She inches across the mattress. I move, meeting her in the middle, and then lie back down, pulling her with me. She snuggles close, her legs tangled with mine, her cheek against my bicep, but her body is stiff.
“You think I’m worried about the lack of protection?” I feel her nod against my arm. I look down at the top of her head. “I’m not.”
Her head tilts up, and I see skepticism and confusion in her gaze. Makes perfect sense, because I don’t get it either. I should be losing my ever-loving mind. I’ve never had sex without a condom. Not ever. I was a freaking zealot when it came to covering my junk. I never took chances, and I never made mistakes.
“But you’re freaking out.” My heartbeat starts to stumble like a drunk person as she reminds me. She presses the palm of her hand down firmly on my sternum. “Your heart is still pounding.”
“Yeah. I’ve never lost control like that. I told you,” I repeat and slowly force air into my lungs. I am going to fucking beat this feeling before it becomes a full-blown panic attack and I ruin everything. I’m not panicking over the condom—or lack thereof—I’m losing my mind over the realization that I am completely, madly, inconsolably in love with her.
Which means I suddenly feel like I have no control over anything, and she can completely wreck me. I didn’t expect to end up here. I didn’t think I could. I thought this was just going to be fun. A distraction, a blast from the past, a final shot at a long-lost conquest. But I didn’t conquer anything. I surrendered. Without even knowing how to, I gave her my heart.
“You’ve never had unprotected sex?” Her voice is quiet, slow and calm, like she’s trying not to startle me. She knows I’m still freaking out.
“Never.”
“Not even with your girlfriend? She wasn’t on the pill?”
My heart gallops even faster. “What girlfriend?”
“Dixie said you had one a while ago,” she murmurs. “She wasn’t on the pill?”
“She was. I just didn’t,” I murmur, and I feel her head move. She’s looking up at me, I know it, but I don’t open my eyes. “It just never happened.”
“You’ve never had an accident?”
“Nope. I’d never risked anything with anyone.” I wish we would stop talking. About this. About everything. I don’t want to talk. I’m scared if we keep talking I’ll tell her I love her, and that’s not okay. Not right now. I can’t expect her to deal with that knowledge when I can’t even deal with it myself. Holy shit, I’m a train wreck. “Tired.”
I say it softly, slowly, like I’m about to fall asleep, even though I couldn’t sleep right now if I swallowed a bottle of Ambien. I tighten my grip on her, hugging her closer to my side, and she puts her head down on my bicep again.
