Nope, it was easier to forge friendships with people when they didn’t have to look at her and see those scars.
So she flashed him a smile. “I guess the reason I’m bringing this up… What I’m trying to say is that we are made up of our experiences. The people we interact with might force those moments into our lives.” River peeked at him, wondering if he was getting the nuances she was pushing in his direction. Shecouldn’t tell. Blowing out a breath and shifting in her saddle, she nodded firmly to herself. “You might have had a strained relationship with your father, but he helped make you who you are today. It’s terrible that his life was cut short. It truly is.”
Mathew stiffened, and now he wasn’t looking at her at all. His jaw worked and he stared straight ahead.
“All we can do is hold onto the moments that are important to us and learn from the ones that we regretted.” She forced out a small laugh, realizing just how out of her depth she currently was. “I’m not making any sense.”
“No…”
River flinched inwardly.
“No… you are, actually.”
This time when she looked over at him, he was pinning her with a look that made her throat go dry. She could almost imagine that the reason he was staring at her like this was because he could see the parts of her that she didn’t show anyone. It was strange and scary. She couldn’t understand how it was happening when she hadn’t exactly opened up to him more than that little tidbit about being abandoned.
He opened his mouth, then shut it and offered her a weak smile. “It definitely makes sense.”
They rode in silence for a few minutes. Normally, River didn’t mind quiet. There had been plenty of times in her life when silence was a gift. But the more she glanced over at the man who’d shown up broken on her doorstep, the more she wanted to ask how he was holding up or if there was anything he needed.
Before she could work up the nerve, he asked the one thing she hadn’t expected.
“So you and Emerson…”
River looked over at him. “Me and Emerson?”
He gripped the back of his neck and looked away. “You two… a thing or something?”
A tiny smile tugged at her mouth, but it faded almost as quickly. So that was what had been bothering him. “Me and Emerson? Goodness, no.” She paused. “He might’ve kissed me once, though.”
Mathew went still.
River blinked at him, then softened. “It was a mistake. One we both regretted immediately.” She gave a short huff of laughter. “Kissing Emerson felt like kissing a brother.”
His gaze flicked back to hers.
“Not that I actually have one,” she added. “At least not by blood. I’ve had a few foster brothers over the years, but none I stayed in touch with.”
“You don’t keep in touch with any of your foster siblings?”
She tilted her head. “One. I’ve got a foster sister I still try to keep up with.” River grimaced. “She’s just… not always easy.”
“How so?”
River glanced over. “Hmm?”
“You said she’s not easy. Is that because she doesn’t want you in her life?”
River shook her head, oddly thrown by the genuine interest in his voice. “No. She does. She’s just…” She looked up at the sky and let out a breath. “She’s never really found anything worth holding on to. She keeps making the same mistakes, and somehow I’m always the one trying to help clean them up.”
Heat crept into River’s cheeks. Said out loud, it probably made her sound like an enabler, but that wasn’t how she saw it. She was just trying to take care of someone she loved.
Mathew stayed quiet, and somehow that was worse.
She wanted to know what he was thinking. Whether he was judging her. And if he was, why should she care?
She didn’t.
At least that was what she told herself.
