We carry our food—both our plates holding a mix of chicken, pizza, and noodles—back into the living room. She has an action movie playing. I’m not sure of the title, but it’s from the nineties with that short guy who was supposedly hot back then.
“I was just a pawn to mine, really.” She takes a bite of pizza, chews, and swallows. “He was just keeping me all nice for when I finished college and returned home to bemarried off. I’m surprised he even let me attend college and didn’t just marry me off at eighteen, but I guess some of the men he was considering for an alliance preferred the idea of someone at least a little older.”
I shoot her a sympathetic smile. “Couldn’t be easy knowing that was your future.”
She shrugs. “Lots of people had it harder. Honestly, I was fine until recently… at least, I thought I was. But then all my friends started meeting their men, and I guess I’ve been kind of…”
She trails off again, so I fill in the word. “Lonely?”
She nods as if to clarify that word to herself. “Yeah, lonely. I’m still lonely. I guess that isn’t going to change anytime soon.”
I nudge her shoulder with mine. “Hey, I’m here now.”
She flashes a smile. “You’re right, that was rude. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean right this moment.”
“It’s okay. I know what you meant.”
I clear my throat and heat warms my face. I know what she meant because I’ve been lonely my entire life. I’ve tried so hard to become a part of something, to mean something to someone, and that has gotten me into trouble countless times. But no matter what I do, I’m always on the outside, practically fucking begging to be let in. And I’ll do whatever it takes. Just look at what happened at the hazing. It’s not like I’m morally adverse to shit like that, but I would normally never have done anything so outrageous. But it had been to join the club, so I’d gone along with it. I guess I can’t exactly claim that I hadn’t enjoyed it either. The amount of cum that had been splattered around by the time it was over had proven otherwise.
She sighs. “I am worried about my mom and brother,though. They say they’re somewhere safe, but safe places don’t always stay that way.”
“Is he a younger brother, or older?”
Her expression softens. “Older. We were close when we were small, but not so much now. Leo went to Verona Falls University, same as me, and my other brother, well, he kind of drifted away from us all so I’ve barely spoken with him for a long time.”
“Still, must have been nice to have siblings.”
“Yeah, maybe we’ll all get closer again now that dad is gone. One brother got as far away from us as he could, and the other… well, he was always trying to impress our father, and that wasn’t easy, you know?”
We fall into a comfortable silence and continue to eat. I keep sneaking glances at her, more distracted by her than I am by the movie, where the short guy is now hanging from a ceiling by some kind of pully system. Camile is crazy beautiful, and I’m not sure she’s the slightest bit aware of it. I can’t help thinking of how her hair would feel slipping between my fingers and wondering what her skin tastes like.
“Whew,” she says eventually, putting her hand over her perfectly flat stomach. “I think I’m growing a food baby.”
With a chuckle, I stand and grab her near empty plate from her and carry it into the kitchen. I return with two glasses of water and retake my seat next to her. I should probably make my excuses and leave, but I don’t want to give up this spot. She lifts her bare legs onto the couch then tucks them under her. The movement brings her even closer, and I have to fight not to put my arm around her. My heart literally aches with the need to decrease the small amount of space between us. I wish she’dcuddle up next to me and feel safe enough with me to fall asleep.
“This was really kind of you, Rook,” she says.
“It was nothing,” I reply, but I’m pleased that I did something right for once in my miserable fucking life.
She sits up a little and twists to face me. “Is that your real name? Rook? No, it can’t be. It stands for the rookie, right?”
“My real name is Ryan.”
“Ryan,” she repeats, as though seeing how it sounds on her tongue.
“I like hearing you say my real name. Sometimes, I forget I have one at all.”
She giggles at that. “You forget your own name?”
I consider it for a moment. “It’s like I’m made up of all the pieces everyone else expects me to be. Sometimes I need to give myself a nudge to remember who I am at all.”
Her smile softens into something sadder. “Yeah, I know exactly how that feels. Like you’re so busy being who people want you to be that you forget to check in with yourself.”
We hold each other’s gaze, and my heart stutters in my chest. She sees me. She really fucking sees me. It takes every inch of my control not to cup her face in both hands and kiss her hard. My gaze drops to her pretty lips, and they part as she draws a breath. She can feel this moment, too. I know she can.
If I kiss this girl, I’ll end up fucking her right here on this couch. Jack will skin me alive and then toss me out of the club, but honestly, it would be worth it. I’d walk the streets alone, forever, if I could live with the memoryof how her body moved beneath mine, and to hear the sounds she makes when she comes.
But Camile stifles a yawn, and I’m once more reminded of everything she’s been through today. She deserves so much fucking better than having me pawing all over her. What she really needed today was a friend, and I’ve tried to be that for her.
