She stared at me, speechless. “It’s when you experience a chronic trauma over a prolonged period of time rather than one singular event compared to regular PTSD.” She looked away from me. “I thought you could at least respect my boundaries by keeping him away from me, but then you brought him to my birthday dinner. I sat there in overwhelming panic, and you didn’t even notice. I can’t continue to hope that you’ll be accountable for the piece you played in my trauma. I’m thirty-one years old, and I’m finally done.”
She had the audacity to scoff. “Where would you even live, or how would you pay your bills? I doubt you have enough funds saved up working at that little bookshop. Be serious, Serenity, you need me.” The fire inside of me lit, ready to explode.
I may not have paid the mortgage, but I’ve supported myself without ever using the credit card she gave me. Emma and I have lived frugally, so I had enough saved to put a down payment on a new house if I wanted to.
I let her make me believe I needed her all these years, even though I have been taking care of myself for as long as I could remember. Her money may have helped, but I didn’t need it or her anymore.
I needed peace.
I needed love.
I needed safety.
I needed happiness.
She can’t give me any of that. I was done begging her to choose me because I’m choosing myself.
“If you knew me at all, you’d know I’ll figure it out. I’m a survivor!” I said sternly. “I survived navigating a childhood by myself while you travelled. I survived living with a different man every other month. I survived when one of those men put his hands on my twelve-year-old body, my fourteen-year-old body, and my fifteen-year-old body.” I stood up tall with my hands balled into fists at my side. She wouldn’t even look at me. “I survived when you didn’t believe me. I survived when you married the man who abused me. I don’t have room foranyonewho believes abuse is okay. It wasneverand willneverbe okay.” I blew out a frustrated breath. “This relationship with you is killing me, and I’m ready to really live for the first time in my life.”
She shot daggers in my direction. “You act like I was such a terrible mother. You don’t know what it’s like to balance a career and motherhood. You’ll never know what that’s like since you don’t even have kids and probably won’t be able to. But it was hard!” she yelled, standing up. “Don’t worry, I understand.I know when I’m not wanted or appreciated. I won’t bother you anymore.” She slammed the door on her way out.
I took three deep breaths, cleaned the kitchen, and then went back to lie in bed. I did what I said I was going to do, but her throwing my fertility issues in my face broke my heart. If I ever became a mother, I would never make my children feel the way she has made me feel. No child deserves the abuse and manipulation she put me through.
FORTY-FOUR
PRESENT
Iheard the front door open and close. “Serenity, are you here?” Emma yelled through the house.
“I’m wallowing in bed,” I yell back.
She cracked the door open. “Do you need to be alone?”
“No, you can come in.” I sat up. She walked in and sat on the bed next to me.
“Did it not go well?” Her expression of love was what I wish I had received from my mom.
I’d be okay knowing I had the most thoughtful and caring best friend, the most loving and considerate boyfriend, the most collaborative team at work, and the best job I could hope for on the road to my dream. I had a good life with good people. I was not going to let my mom derail all I’ve built for myself.
I leaned my head on her shoulder. “She got a little nasty, saying I’ll never know how hard it is to be a mother and build a career because I won’t ever be a mother. Then she abruptly left.” My eyes watered as I continued, “I have to sell the house,though. She bought it, and I don’t want her holding it over me anymore.”
“Don’t cry or I’ll cry,” she pouted. “But I think you should move in with Grant. I mean, you’re either there or he’s here, so the only difference would be that all your stuff is in one place.”
“But what about us? We haven’t lived apart since college.” I swiped away the few tears that escaped.
“You found the literal best person for you, and I love watching from the sidelines. But it’s time you threw yourself into him fully. I’ll figure out my own shit; you go be with your man.” She wrapped her arms around me. We both cried and held onto each other for a long time. “I haven’t said it enough, but I’m so proud to call you my best friend.”
I met her gaze with tears streaming down my face. “You saved me on a bad day, and you haven’t stopped since. Thank you for always letting me cry on your shoulder.”
“Always, babe.” She kissed me on the cheek. “I need to go shower. Are you going to be okay?”
“I am now,” I reassured. “Go clean the sex off you.” She laughed and winked before exiting my room.
I climbed out of bed and sat at my computer. I had one more assignment to submit for my business course. The last assignment was the one I was most excited about. I was in a class titled Entrepreneurship and Small Business Management, and the last project was to create a small business plan. The combination of my college degree in Marketing, my work experience at the bookstore, and the business classes would all build my confidence to create a successful small business.
I worked on the assignment diligently through the afternoon. I was creating a plan for my future, so I wanted it to be perfect. The more I worked on the assignment, the more excited I became about making the assignment a reality. While I readthrough what I created for the third time, Grant walked through the door back from work.
“There’s my pretty girl. I hadn’t heard from you, so I was worried.” He dropped his bag on the floor next to the door and headed toward me.
