As we gossiped about Grant, I couldn’t help but think it was too good to be true. This gorgeous guy was giving me the time of day and flirted with me without being disrespectful. I knew those thoughts were my own insecurities getting the best of me,but living the life I had, it was hard to know when men were genuinely interested in me outside of the bedroom.
“I think there’s a chance I could see him again next week. I heard the therapist tell him she would see him at the same time, so I may have scheduled my appointment around the same time as well.”
“What are you even going to say?”
I took a deep breath. What could I say? I’m still so traumatized from my last relationship. I was still so quiet and detached around most people, barely capable of making small talk. Was it even fair to try something new with someone when I hadn’t even healed from my past yet, amongst everything else? It’s not like he has to be my husband, but there was definitely a connection or spark that I was itching to explore.
The more time I spend in therapy, the more confident I’d become in my pursuit of my happily ever after. I had to believe that. I wanted to believe that.
SIX
PRESENT
Today was the day. I would either see and talk to her, or I would spend another dreadful week counting down the days until my next therapy session, hoping that our timing would line up again. There was also a chance that I’d be too chicken shit to approach her again. Gio also gave shit advice. “Just go for it,” he said. As if that was an easy task for someone who went through a tragedy, gave up getting close to women, and spent the last eight years very single—aside from a few hookups here and there.
My appointment with Darla was scheduled for three, so if Serenity kept the same appointment time as last time, then she should be right after me. I could cut therapy short, so I’d have more time to catch Serenity, as long as she chose the same time. Maybe I could introduce myself and give her my number, so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness in the waiting room. Then, if she said no, I’d go back to my regularly scheduled programmingof not letting any woman consume my thoughts. I would have to change my future appointments to avoid her, though.
I pulled up to Darla’s office and decided to talk to her about Serenity—sort of.I was going to tell her I saw a beautiful woman who has been on my mind all week, but I’m out of practice with dating. I had come a long way from how I was almost eight years ago, but I still hold back so much. I haven’t been ready to talk about that day. I knew I needed to, but even thinking about it made my stomach churn. Today, I’d focus on the lighter topic of dating and what Darla thought about it.
Regardless of what she said, I knew I had to talk to Serenity today. There was something about her that was appealing to me, and I couldn’t ignore it. Was that what they call a spark? I didn’t believe in all that, but our interaction did help me understand how someone could instantly feel connected to another person. It felt like fate drew us together, and I was meant to see her that day.
“Are you ready, Grant?” I hadn’t even heard Darla approach.
I stood up and followed her to her office, knowing the countdown was on for seeing Serenity again. But was I ready? Could I crack open the door to my heart I’ve kept dead bolted for so long? I knew it was a long shot. My decision was based on a two-second interaction, but that interaction inspired me to try. I had done the work in therapy to heal,for the most part.
Maybe I needed to become close to a woman to heal the piece of my heart that I still held back.
“How was your week?” Darla settled in her chair.
“Honestly, it was pretty distracting. I felt like I couldn’t focus.” I started running my fingers through my hair anxiously.
“What was distracting?” she asked.
“I met someone, but you’re going to think I sound absurd.” I knew I couldn’t exactly tell her that the someone I met was someone I met here, in the waiting room of her office.
“Do you mean someone romantically?” She grabbed her pen to take notes.
“Maybe. Our interaction was very brief. We crossed paths, and it felt like there was this pull between us. I even think I flirted—which we both know I don’t do, so I guess I’m inside my head, wondering if there’s a chance I could see her again and don’t want to sound like a creep.” I stopped rambling and took a deep breath.
Darla looked back at her notes. “Do you want to initiate a conversation with this woman?”
“I do,” I answered quickly. “I haven’t had these kinds of thoughts or feelings in a long time, and I think I want to lean into that feeling. I want to feel ready because I never had the intention of being alone this long.”
“What would make you feel ready?” she asked before continuing, “You’ve been adamant that you haven’t wanted to pursue any type of long-term relationship. We’ve talked about it a few times over the years, and how it would be healthy to get back out there, but you have shut down those conversations So, what would make you feel ready to approach this individual now?”
I thought back to that day in the waiting room. Her sad eyes almost understood the darkness I carried. They were inviting me in for a warm embrace that I’d been searching for since losingAvery. I’ve gone eight years without a genuine attraction toward someone, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever experience the feeling again. After the incident, I became angry, distancing myself from everyone. I then fell into a depression so deep that I couldn't even get out of bed. But now my life's different, and I'm finally in a place where the path forward doesn't feel so painful. I guess that’s the reason. I’ve come such a long way from where I started.
“I know I haven’t been as honest with my feelings about how much I lost. I’ve realized that moving on might be the only true way to move forward.” I glanced at Darla with anticipation as she wrote down her thoughts. I didn’t necessarily need her approval, but I did want to hear her advice.
She met my eyes and smiled. “Coming to that conclusion on your own shows how far you’ve come. I am proud of you, Grant. You are a drastically different person from the man who walked into my office almost eight years ago, who had a permanent scowl on his face at every session. I would love to see you let others see the vulnerable parts of you that you buried on that dreadful day and the days and years that followed. Your anger was so present for many years, but you’re more emotionally regulated. You experienced great devastation that you don’t want to experience again, and that’s completely understandable. But you have been healing, and you practice what you’ve learned every single day. It’s scary, but I think it will be worth it.”
We continued to talk about my concerns and all my triggers. We also agreed to move forward with processing the trauma of the day I’ve avoided talking about with EMDR therapy very soon.
I noticed we had ten minutes left in our session. If I wanted to catch Serenity before her appointment, I had to cut things short. “Can we end there? I have to get somewhere,” I asked frantically.
“I’m sure you do.” She laughed. “Go ahead, I will see you at the same time next week.”
My hands were sweating as I left the office and walked down the hallway. As I approached the waiting room, I saw her. She was even more stunning than I remembered. Her hair was different this time, highlighting her natural waves, and I noticed her outfit—black shorts and a pink tank top with the phrase “book nerd” outlined on the front as she read on a Kindle.
