“Let’s get the heck out of here,” I said to the group. Emma and I gathered our purses, and the guys grabbed the presents from the table.
Once we were back in the truck, I closed my eyes, trying to erase the image of seeinghimagain.
“I didn’t see your mom leave,” Emma said. “Did she get mad like she always does?”
Grant and I snuck a glance at each other and smiled. I knew in my gut that I was ready to divulge the true trauma I endured to Grant. I never felt comfortable telling anyone I was dating the full truth, not even Shawn, who I thought was my safety.
I just hadn’t known true safety yet.
THIRTY-FIVE
AGE 19
Shawn and I broke up before the end of the first semester in college. We constantly fought, so we concluded that the relationship was what caused issues between us. Not entirely, though. We went back to being friends with benefits, like when we were in high school. I figured once we worked through our issues, we’d find our way back to one another. I couldn’t imagine truly losing him.
I distanced myself from my mom and Andrés when I left for college, so Shawn invited me to spend the holidays with his family. I decided to stay back at school. I loved his family, but I couldn’t imagine going back to the same neighborhood I struggled to escape from.
The nightmares didn’t stop when I moved away from Andrés. And even though I had Shawn, I was isolated and didn’t know how to make my own friends. I figured my trauma would be aimed at mistrusting men, but apparently, I had issues trusting anyone.
I had fallen asleep and was awoken by the door opening. “What time is it?” I asked Shawn as he entered our room.
He set his bag next to his desk, which was in front of our joined beds. We’d been too lazy to move them back since officially breaking up. I had the time over winter break, but something was reassuring about having him close at night. Even if that meant I ended up in his bed after being awoken from yet another nightmare. “It’s barely eight.” He plopped himself on his bed.
I turned to my side, facing him. “How was your break?”
His lips turned up in a grin. “Really good, actually.” He paused. “I have to tell you something.” His expression looked somber.
Anxiety attached itself to my gut. “Good or bad, because your expression is confusing?”
He flipped so he was on his back, staring at the ceiling. “I met someone.”
“You met someone back home in the two weeks that you’ve been gone?” I questioned.
“Not exactly,” he started, “she goes here and is in a few of my classes. We ended up meeting up while we were both back home and hit it off.”
I told myself I wasn’t jealous, because I knew he couldn’t continue comforting and taking care of me forever. Could we even continue being roommates if he was in a relationship? “So, is it serious or is it like how you are with me?”
He swiftly turned his head toward me. “What do you mean by that? How am I with you?”
I picked at my nail cuticles. “Like how we still hook up and go out to dinners, but we’re just friends.”
He stood up from his bed and paced the room. I sat up in bed and hugged my knees to my chest. “You’re my best friend, Serenity. You have been since I met you when we weretwelve years old. I do love you, but that love never quite turned romantic. I thought it could, but we both agreed it wasn’t working. So, it’s not like how it was with us. I really like her.” He took a breath. When I didn’t say anything, he continued, “I asked her to be my girlfriend.”
My eyes cast low, tears gathering. How did it go from him meeting someone over break to being in a whole-ass relationship? “Does she know you still live with your ex?” I snapped. How could he leave for two weeks and come back with a girlfriend, expecting me to be okay? Yes, we both agreed not to be together, but we were still acting as if we were up until he left on his trip.
“She knows I live with my best friend, who happens to be a girl.” He sat back on the bed and put his face in his hands. “I already know what you’re going to say, so save it.”
“What is it you think I’m going to say?” I argued.
“That I shouldn’t have lied. That if she knew the truth, she wouldn’t have wanted to be with me, or that she would make me choose. You’re my best friend, and she’s my girlfriend; can’t it be that simple?”
I rolled my eyes at his simplistic thinking. “We’re teenage girls, Shawn. The second she is around us and sees for herself how comfortable we are together; she’s going to have some feelings about it. She’s not going to like you living with me, even if she said she was. Or maybe she is that understanding, but I have my doubts.”
“How could you possibly have doubts when you don’t even know her!” he yelled.
“First off, you’re not going to sit there and yell at me, so bring it down a notch. Secondly, you’re right. Let’s plan a dinner together, and then we can figure it out from there. Deal?”
“Fine. I’m going to go take a shower.” He left the room, slamming the door behind him.
