“I know all of this is hard to hear. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but I never felt like it was the right moment to tell you. I hate that you feel like they didn’t choose you, but I thinkyour mom did. I think she knew she couldn’t be the mom you needed, but she knew you would be safe and taken care of here.” She rested her hand on my shoulder, “I tried my best to give you a happy life because I don’t think you would have felt happiness and joy if your mom had stayed here. The alcohol was a stronger pull than anything else—even you—and her state at that time was not healthy for you.”
My whole body seemed to deflate. I bowed my head as my shoulders sagged. “I…don’t know how to feel or what to even ask,” I admitted.
“That’s okay. I will tell you all you want to know in time. I know you feel grown up, but some details will be difficult to understand until you’re older. But I’ll always be here baking cookies and holding your hand through all the hard stuff.”
“I love you, Gram, and I’m glad we had this talk. I’m sorry I yelled. My thoughts are racing, and I need to just sit and think for a while.” I stood up, turning toward her. “Thank you for the cookie. They’re exactly how I remember.” I smiled weakly.
She didn’t say anything more as I walked away—there was nothing more to say.
I was a zombie in the coming weeks after my talk with Gram. I wasn’t ready to talk any further about it, and she respected my wishes. There was so much I wanted to know about my time with my mom, though.
I was on winter break, so I stayed up late reading. At around two in the morning, I heard movement coming from the livingroom. Gram should be asleep already, so I got up to investigate. As I entered the living room, I heard crying.Is that a baby?
I turned the corner and saw Gram rocking in her chair, holding a crying baby.
“Who’s that?” I asked slowly, approaching her.
“This is Luna. Would you like to come say hi?”
“Where did she come from?” I asked in total astonishment as I took in the new, small human Gram held in her arms.
“Come sit,” she said.
I sat on the couch next to her rocking chair.
“I know you’ve been out of sorts since talking about your mom a few weeks ago. I wish I could tell you she came back better than ever, excited to see you. She did come back briefly to bring Luna for us to look after as an early Christmas gift. She thought she might be lonely without her big brother.”
“Is my mom still here? Did she ask about me?” I pleaded.
Gram gave me a sad expression and handed me a note.
Dear Mom and Grant,
I was really trying this time. I got clean, started therapy, and stayed healthy through my pregnancy, but I met someone and know I’ll never be able to be the type of mother my kids deserve. I know this is sudden, since Grant has been safe with you, Mom, I know Luna will be, too. I named her Luna because there was a full moon the night she was born, and the nurse told me Luna meant moon. She’s absolutely perfect, and I know you both will love and care for her way better than I ever could. I filled out my portion of the documents for the termination of parental rights, as I did with Grant. I won’t let this happen again. I do hope to see the three of you someday–someday when I’m not so messed up.
Take care of each other,
Cindy
This moment shifted for me. For the first time I could remember, I had words from my mom. I stared at my new baby sister and couldn’t imagine how our mom could leave us when we were so small and innocent. I would grieve the woman who didn’t want to know me—us.I would protect and take care of Luna, so she never feels left behind.
“Can I hold her?” I asked timidly.
Gram placed her in my arms, and I already knew I loved her more than anything else. “Hi, Luna. I’m your big brother, Grant. We are going to be the best of friends. I will always remind you that you weren’t abandoned—you were saved,” I whispered as I cuddled her closer into me, tears falling from my face onto hers.
FIVE
PRESENT
Iimmediately called Emma as I sat in my car after therapy. I knew she’d ask how it went and if I was open about more than just the relationship issues—I wasn’t.Emma was the only person who knew my truth, but a part of me wanted to let it all out and allow someone else to carry some of the burden that had grown all too heavy.
Emma answered on the second ring. “Hi, chica. Tell me everything.”
“Well, hello to you, too,” I teased.
“I said hi!” she exclaimed. “But I am dying to know how everything went today.”
I took a few deep breaths. Emma has been my best friend since sixth grade; we even dated the same boy. There have been some bumps along the way, but living together since we were sophomores at the same university has brought us closer than ever. We’ve spent our holidays together for as long as I can remember, always gifting each other books, manifesting ourdreams of becoming a bookstore owner and a children’s author. We connected on a deeper level when we acknowledged the shared trauma from our troubled childhoods.
