“Let’s reframe that thought. Did your mom ever discuss with you what was and wasn’t safe in terms of touch?”
I shook my head.
“It can be confusing for a child with a limited understanding of their body when a trusted adult is the one providing the unsafe touch. Freezing is a completely normal response to the trauma you experienced. But you were the child in the situation, while he was the adult. When I put it in that context, do you understand how your inability to speak up was not your fault?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I said. “It’s hard to understand when it comes to losing my virginity to my best friend. He knew I had a crush on him for the longest time, so when we started to get physical, I was excited. It moved too fast, though, and I froze.”
“That is a typical response given the situation,” Darla said. “You had instances where you did speak up, though, correct?”
I nodded my head. “I had a pretty big argument with my mom when he first moved back in with us.”
“I want you to see that you did try, so let’s think back to that memory and see what else comes up for you. Tell me when you’re ready.”
“I’m ready.”
I walked into my house after school and saw my mom’s bags lying by the front door, accompanied by someone else’s. I rolled my eyes. I thought we were done with boyfriends living with me after what Andrés did. I guess my mom could only be alone for so long. I didn’t see her car in the driveway, so they must have dropped off their bags and gone to run errands or something. A noise came from my mom’s room, though.
“Mom, are you home?” I yelled from the living room. There was no answer, so I went over to her door. As soon as I raised my hand to knock, it swung open. I took a step back as my body began to tremble. Andrésstood there with a smug smile.
I blinked several times, hoping I was imagining him standing there. “What are you doing here?” I practically yelled.
“Your mom didn’t tell you?” he asked smugly. “We patched things up a couple of months ago and decided to give it another shot. Wow, look how much you’ve grown up,” he said with a wink.
I clenched my jaw. How could a grown man talk to a fourteen-year-old child the way he did?
My gut twisted. “She wouldn’t do that. There’s got to be another explanation.”
“Fine,” he said, walking back into the room. “You can just ask her when she gets home.”
“I’ll do that,” I said, stomping up the stairs to my room and slamming the door. There’s no way she got back together with him after I told her what happened, right? There has to be an explanation for why she would let him back into our home. Ipaced my room until I heard the front door open. I sprinted down the stairs to confront my mom.
“What the hell is Andrésdoing here?” I asked as I joined her in the kitchen.
My mom looked at me, dumbfounded. “We got back together, what’s the big deal?”
I gaped at her. “You’re kidding me right now, right?” I couldn’t believe how nonchalant she was about allowing the man who made me so uncomfortable and traumatized back into our home. My home. Was she seriously going to leave me alone with him again? This could not be happening.
I held back tears for the young version of myself who wanted her mom to prioritize her safety.
“You took things way out of proportion. That was over a year ago. He didn’t mean anything by it; it was a mistake.”
“A mistake!” I screamed. “He accidentally put his hands on my body without consent. He accidentally kissed me. I was twelve, Mom! And he was even being inappropriate with me when I was eleven.”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” she replied. “You act as if he abused you.”
“He did! He is a grown man putting his hands on a child, how could you say that’s not abuse?”
“Andrés is not like that,” she spoke calmly.
How could I get through to her? “You’re choosing his side over mine, and you’re too self-centered to understand what you’re putting me through. I hope someday you can own up to the part you played in my trauma.” I walked away.
Would I ever feel safe in my home again? Will she ever believe me?
“Okay, I’m going to stop. What came up for you?”
I slowly opened my eyes. I told her what memories came up for me and how much anger I still held toward mom fordelivering me on a platter to him. She said she believed me. But she still chose him over me. I wish I knew why.
“I’m going to start the machine again, but since your mom is a main contributor to how you feel about yourself, I want you to focus on the anger you felt during that conversation and see what comes up. Tell me when you’re ready.”
