“So are you,” I responded. We said our last goodbyes, and I drove away. I couldn’t help but regret not letting him kiss me. But I knew myself, if we became more intimate, I’d end up rushing it, seeking the validation I thought sex provided. I couldn't tie my self-worth to sex anymore. I was done making the same mistakes I had always made in relationships. I was ready for a fairytale love. Grant would be the perfect prince.
Before I even thought about having sex with Grant, I needed to work through some of my sexual trauma with my therapist. I buried so much abuse, but I needed to take control of my life. I wouldn’t let my trauma continue to dictate my life anymore. I couldn’t.
TWENTY-ONE
AGE 18
The best decision I ever made was asking Avery to be my girlfriend. We had been together for about six months, and I couldn’t be happier. We both helped each other out with the caretaking needs of Luna and her siblings. We quickly realized that if we tag-teamed, we could spend more time together, even if we were quite busy taking care of a bunch of kids.
We were in our last semester of senior year and already decided to attend the local community college for a couple of years to ensure the kiddos in our lives were all set up before we ventured off to a university.
“Do you think we’re making a mistake?” Avery asked from next to me on the couch.
I turned to her. “What do you mean?”
She looked away for a moment, almost looking shy. “Waiting to have sex until we graduate…” She trailed off.
We had agreed that once we had more freedom and more time to be a regular couple, we would have sex then. We both wanted to and had come close a couple of times before one of us had the willpower to stop it. I wanted to, don’t get me wrong, but I also wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be a time we'd always remember, and not just do it out of obligation because all the other couples in school already had.
We planned to have sex for the first time on our graduation trip to San Diego at an all-inclusive resort right on the beach. I wanted our first time together to be a testament to our love, rather than just about losing our virginity. I loved her fully and wanted to show her in the best way. She deserved it.
“I don’t think it’s a mistake per se, but I have wanted to,” I said. “I think we both have. It may sound corny, but I want us to have a memorable experience, and I don’t think we can make it happen until our graduation trip.”
She smiled at me. “I want it to be special, too. All my friends have talked about their first time, and I feel a little left out. I know our situations are so different from our friends', and our relationship is also so much stronger, so I will wait until it’s perfect for both of us. We graduate next month, but I'm getting antsy to be closer to you.” She curled into me, and I couldn’t help but think how perfect we fit together.
“I am, too,” I said. “Trust me when I say I think about it more than you know. But I do think if we wait and make it special without anyone around, it will be a night to remember. Then we’ll have the whole weekend to practice and learn what each other likes.” I winked at her, and she blushed.
“Are you excited for graduation?” she asked, changing the subject.
“Yeah, I said. But I'm most excited to have more time with you.” I lightly kissed her hand.
“Can I ask you something without you getting upset?”
I was instantly on high alert, but I saw her genuine expression and nodded. “You can ask me anything.”
“Do you actually want to go to community college, or did you only agree because of me?” she asked, looking away. Honestly, it was a fair question. My Gram was left with a lot of money when my grandpa passed. She set up college funds for both Luna and me almost ten years ago. Avery didn't have that privilege. Even though she qualified for financial aid and received a tuition scholarship, it still wasn’t enough to cover all the other expenses. The university is too far from us to live at home and commute, so she would need housing.
“Truthfully, maybe a little,” I said. “But for Lu, too. I don’t want to miss so much of her growing up.” I knew Gram told me to go, and I could come home every weekend and have video calls with her every night, but the thought of being away from them all and how lonely I’d be convinced me to stay home.
“What if I asked you to go?” Her left leg began to bounce.
I stared at her in shock. “Why would you want me to go? I don’t want to go without you.”
“That’s the thing,” she said, “you have this opportunity to have the full college experience, and you’re settling because I can’t afford to go…”
“I’m not settling,” I interrupted. “I don’t want to have this new experience when I can’t share it with you. Not just as my girlfriend—as my best friend.”
She deflated. “I would love to spend the next two years playing house, helping raise the kids, and going to school with you—I would. But we’re going to get stuck here in this same life in this small town if one of us doesn’t take a chance to ensure we have a better future.”
A single tear fell down her cheek, and I wiped it away with my thumb. “Don't cry. If you really think I should go, then I’ll go. My girls deserve to be taken care of, and if you think going off toschool will better secure our future, then I’ll do that for you. For us. For our families.” I put my arm around her and pulled her close.
Her shoulders were shaking as she lightly cried on my shoulder. “I’m going to miss seeing you every day, but I’m so happy and proud of you. You’re a good man, Grant West.” She kissed my neck. “Didn’t Gram take Luna to the movies?”
“Yeah, why?” I asked.
She gave me a mischievous grin. “We’re alone. We’ll be alone for at least two hours, and my mom is home today with the kids, so I have nowhere to be.”
My heart rate increased. “What are you getting at, love?”
