I gaped at him. “Butter pecan is not an old person flavor.”
“It definitely is.” He laughed. “You’re always in a hurry to grow up so fast.”
I ignored his comment. I had to grow up more quickly than my friends. They had their parents and siblings who helped raise and take care of the house. I only had myself, so I had to learn how to cook for myself, shop for myself, sign permission slips, wake up and get to school on time, all while putting on the facade that nothing out of the ordinary happened at home. I didn’t want to express to Shawn why I seemed so much more grown-up than everyone else. I knew he was joking about the ice cream, but it still struck a nerve.
He grabbed the ice cream, and we checked out. Luckily, it was a short walk home.
“Your parents are okay with you spending the night alone with me?” I asked quizzically as we unloaded the bags in the kitchen. Shawn's parents were cooler than the other parents in our friend group, but they weren’tthatcool.
“Well,” he started, “they may think it’s a group sleepover with everyone. I didn’t want to get a lecture about it; I want some alone time with my best friend—is that okay?” His voice was hopeful.
“You’re literally welcome over whenever you want, you know that.”
“I know,” he said. “We haven’t made it happen yet, so I’m glad we finally did.”
I smiled. He really wanted to be alone with me. I wondered why. It’s not like we couldn’t talk about certain things with the rest of our friend group—well, except what happened with my mom’s boyfriend, Andrés. I hadn’t taken the risk of talking about it with anyone else since his threats. I hadn’t admitted to Shawn what Andrés did when I was twelve escalated into so much more. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since he moved back in with us.
“Let’s talk about the game plan for tonight,” I said. “We should shower and get cozy first, then eat pizza while we watch the first movie, then we’ll graze on snacks through the rest of thenight, then eventually we’ll go to sleep. We have the guest room if you want to set up your stuff in there.”
He gave me the flirty smirk. “Maybe I don’t want to sleep in the guest room tonight.”
I decided not to play along with his antics. “Are you going to sleep out here instead?” I asked as I pointed around the living room. “Whatever makes you the most comfortable.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “You’re no fun.”
“I’m going to go take a shower. You know where everything is if you want to take a shower yourself. Make yourself at home,” I yelled back as I ran up the stairs.
I went into my pajama drawer, and all I found were long T-shirt nightgowns that were less than cute, let alone sexy. Shawn would never see me as more than a best friend if I didn’t showcase my sex appeal. What Andrés said when I was twelve came to mind: ‘You’ll need to give him something he can’t resist.’
I went into my mom’s room to rummage through her nightgowns. I knew she had some that would make Shawn's eyes go wide. I found a spaghetti-strapped cheetah-print gown, low cut in the front to show off some cleavage. Since I was already in my mom’s room, I showered in her shower and used all her expensive soaps and moisturizers.
Once I was showered and ready, I descended the stairs to see him in a black shirt and white basketball shorts. He browsed through the television for the first movie to put on. I could smell the pizza, so he must have put it in the oven while I was getting ready.
He looked back at me, and I his eyes widened as I had imagined. He couldn't take his eyes off me even as I sat on the couch next to him.
“What should we watch?” I asked.
He didn’t say anything. His eyes stayed glued to me for so long I couldn’t help but hold my breath. Before I even had timeto react, his mouth was on mine. I hesitated at first, then soon joined in his enthusiasm once he put his hand on my cheek. We became a tangle of mouths and hands.
Everything moved so fast. I didn’t have time to appreciate the moment for what it was. It was my first kiss, and it was with Shawn. It was everything I’ve wanted for so long, but something didn’t feel right.
The pang of anxiety surfaced, wondering what it all meant. He began touching me more intimately. I enjoyed the sensations from him, but I flashed back to when it was Andrés’s touch. I tried to push those thoughts away.
I wanted to slow down; my heart raced.
Were we going to be together now?
Why suddenly now?
Was this the plan from the beginning?
My thoughts distracted me from the shock of losing my virginity. He was inside of me, and I was fixed in place. I should have spoken up. This was not how our first time together was supposed to happen. We didn’t even talk about protection.
He soon pulled out of me, making a mess of my mom’s nightgown.
I lay there bewildered as he stood up to clean himself off. I arose quickly, running upstairs to change. I tore off the nightgown and hid it at the bottom of my mom’s hamper. I should be happy, but instead, I wanted to cry. I couldn’t catch a full breath.What just happened?
I cleaned myself up and put on another nightgown before heading back downstairs. Shawn was taking the pizza out of the oven when I approached.
