“How was the trip?” he asked, sipping on his steaming cup of coffee.
“Work was fine. But I was ready to be home.” I took my cup of coffee to sit with him at the table.
He looked up in thought. “I could see why,” he said, winking.
“It’s not like that,” I assured. “I really like her, though. Like a lot. Not only physically, either.”
His eyes widened, and he set down his coffee. “Whoa, that’s big. You haven't given anyone a second glance in as long as I’ve known you.”
“I know. I’m super excited about it, but also a nervous fucking wreck.” I played it cool throughout last night, but I also thought about how important she could become to me. The fear threatened to overcome me, but I deserved a chance at love again. Serenity was worth it. I wanted to prove to her how worth it she was to me.
NINETEEN
AGE 15
Shawn became my lifeline when it became difficult to stay afloat with the fear and confusion constantly coursing through me when I had to be home alone with Andrés. My romantic feelings toward Shawn soon returned once we spent more time together again. We had plenty of talks during the first few months since my return. His reason for disappearing was because he wanted to respect the new relationship with Emma. I accepted it because there was no point in continuing to hold onto so much hurt.
The five of us—Emma, Shawn, Jacob, Zac, and I—were all back to our same group dynamic. We constantly joked around, but we were also the most supportive of one another. The guys always asked who I had a crush on, and it always baffled me how they weren’t aware that the only guy I even had eyes for when Shawn was around was him—Shawn.My likeness for him only increased in the four years I’ve known him. He didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship, though. Why couldn’t he believe wewere soul mates like I did, and promise to never give up on each other? Hadn’t he heard the saying, 'marry your best friend?'
“What are you thinking about over there?” Shawn asked, breaking me free from my spiraling thoughts.
I looked over at him. “Sorry, I’m thinking about how I’ll be spending the weekend alone because my mom and Andrés are going on a getaway.”
“Do you want me to come over tonight?” Shawn asked.
I paused and slowly shifted my gaze in his direction. We hadn’t had a sleepover since I stayed at his house right before I moved, when the first incident with Andrés occurred. He knew I liked him, and he was asking me to come over and be alone with me. The butterflies in my stomach swarmed with excitement. Maybe once we’re alone together, away from the group or family, he could see me in a different light. I only hoped his love would spark to life this weekend.
“Really? We hadn’t had a sleepover since…” I trailed off. I couldn’t even say it out loud without the pang of anxiety in my gut.
“Then we should change that. We can make a bunch of snacks and pull an all-nighter; it’d be fun,” he said energetically. I didn’t sleep as much, knowing how unpredictable Andrés was with his nighttime visits. I’d probably sleep a full night if I knew Shawn was there to keep me safe. Even though he let me down a couple of years ago, he was still my safety net.
“I’d like that,” I said. “But I’m picking the snacks because then you’ll end up showing up with some nasty pickled flavored chips.” I made a disgusted expression.
He scoffed. “What’s wrong with pickle chips? When you tried them last time, you liked them.”
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “I said they were okay, but there are infinitely better snacks than anything pickles flavored.”
Shawn sat in thought. “How about you choose the salty snacks, and I’ll choose the sweet snacks?”
I smiled. “I’ll take that compromise. We can go after school.”
“Deal,” he said, reaching for my hand to shake on it. “Now, let’s get to class before we get in trouble again.”
The rest of the school day passed by in a blur, but I caught Emma in the bathroom right before last period. “Shawn is staying over at my house tonight.”
She looked over at me with a surprised expression. “Alone?” she practically yelled.
I darted my hand quickly over her mouth. “Keep it down, but yes.”
Her eyes widened. “That’s huge. Do you think he could like you more than a friend now?”
“I’m not sure. I was telling him my mom wouldn’t be home this weekend, and he asked if he could come over and have a movie and snack night.” I was so glad I could still talk about Shawn with Emma, even though they dated. They soon realized they were better off as friends. I still wondered why he was willing to give her a chance but not me.
She smirked. “I think he’s going to try and make a move.”
I smiled lightly. “Do you really think so?” I asked. He was adamant about our friendship being worth more than jeopardizing it in a potential failed relationship. But we spent all our time together, texting all the time, talking on the phone regularly, but his feelings remained in friendship territory. Tonight would be a test to see if he’d been holding back or if he genuinely hasn’t developed any romantic feelings toward me.
“It’ll be one of the first times you two will be completely alone together since you moved back, and it could spark some conversation about the two of you being more…or you’ll have one of those movie kisses. When they catch each other’s eyes in a certain way, looking down at each other's lips, and thenboom, you’re kissing.” She laughed as she took in my less-than-impressed expression. “It could happen!” she exclaimed.
