PRESENT
I’ve had some time to think about my first date with Serenity while I’ve been traveling for work. I had conflicting feelings about experiencing a panic attack. On one hand, I was embarrassed, but on the other, I felt relieved to show her a piece of me no one else has seen. The longer I thought about it, though, the more I wondered if I was ready to date seriously.
I’ve suffered from panic attacks on and off through the years, but it hasn’t hit me in public in a long time. I flashed back in time when I lost the last piece of my family. Was it a sign I wasn't strong enough to allow a woman to see the darkness deeply embedded in my being? However, she was accepting and understanding, and that’s all I could ask for.
My connection with Serenity reached a part of my soul that I forgot existed.We'd text throughout the day and have long phone conversations at night before bed. I looked forward to those phone calls, so when she didn’t answer last night, I was bummed.
My thoughts spiraled, thinking she could be hurt. I then remembered she had her first EMDR therapy session. EMDR therapy was not made for the weak. If she was anything like me, she’d be overwhelmed. Even though it sucked that we both had unresolved trauma still affecting us deeply, it made us understand each other better.
I knew she wasn’t my responsibility, but I have always made sure the people around me were happy and safe. I remember the years I took care of my family before so much changed. I didn’t want to come off as overbearing, but I didn’t know how else to be.
I’ll call her again tonight. I already missed her, and we talked yesterday mid-morning. I was worried about how her session affected her. I was too wrapped up in wanting to check on Serenity; I almost forgot what today was—I wish I did.
The grief threatened to swallow me whole. I wished I could go back and change how I reacted, letting the anger stay with me for far too long. I couldn’t let the grief take me under again.
I wanted to be okay when I talked to Serenity tonight. I spent years healing, and most days I could see how far I’ve come, but some days it's as if it happened yesterday. I wanted to warn Serenity I'd be out of sorts, just in case I did hear from her and didn't have the energy to be my usual flirty self.
Me
I’m sorry for bothering you again. I’ve been assuming your therapy was tough yesterday, and that’s why I haven’t heard from you. Today is the anniversary of a really hard day for me, so I apologize in advance if I’m a little off, too. I have a routine for tough days. I’ll work out, have my favorite food, and watch my favorite movie. What’s your go-to on hard days? Hope to talk to you soon.
I sent the message even though I second-guessed myself the entire time, if I said too much, not enough, or if I hadn’t heard from her for an entirely different reason—like another guy. I couldn’t allow my thoughts to sabotage my chance with her.
I called Darla before I left for the gym. “Hi Grant, how are you coping today?”
“Better than expected. I forgot today was the anniversary until a little bit ago. I'm heading to the gym now to let go of some of the negative energy.” I put her on speaker as I finished getting ready.
“The gym is a good start, but I encourage you to journal any negative emotions you feel today, especially those aimed inwards regarding blaming yourself or thoughts of needing to do more. Can you do that?”
I paused for a moment. I knew after all this time I wasn't the one to blame, but I wished the years that followed didn't cause even more loss because I couldn't handle my emotions at the time. I lost even more because of it. “I will. It's still hard. There's so much I wish I could go back and change.”
“I want to remind you that you have lived through this day, even if some years were harder than others. You grow strongerevery year. There will always be hard days, but you have the tools to get through them.”
“Thank you, Darla.”
“Take care of yourself, Grant.” We said our goodbyes and hung up.
As I drove to the gym, I told myself to think happy thoughts, but everything made me think of my past.
The songs on the radio.
The ads.
The families on the street.
I gripped the steering wheel so hard I lost circulation. I needed to run off the negative thoughts. I headed straight to the treadmill when I entered the gym.
Before I knew it, I had run five miles. I hadn’t run consecutively for long distances in quite some time. I ran until the feelings of dread and grief lessened.
I was excited to spend the rest of the day by myself in my hotel room. I'd pick up a banana milkshake on my drive home and then order a double pepperoni pizza.
I loved eating my dessert first.
When I returned to my hotel room, I grabbed my phone from my gym bag. I had an unopened text from Serenity. I was pleasantly surprised to get an equally long message back from her.
Serenity
I’m sorry if it seemed like I ghosted you. You were right, the first EMDR session was rough. I’m scared to continue because I spent the last thirty-six hours in bed rethinking those once-buried memories. And honestly, we didn’t even get to the actual bad stuff, so maybe I’m not strong enough.
