I hesitated heading downstairs, hoping I wouldn’t run into him. I almost made it to the front door when he came out of the kitchen.
“You’re leaving awfully early. Did you sleep okay?” he asked, but I turned the knob on the front door and left without responding. Before I even arrived at the bus stop, I heard my phone ding with an incoming message.
Unknown Number
Remember, nice girls don’t lie. We both care about your mom, so let’s make sure she stays happy and well.
The message had to be from Andrés.I wasn’t dreaming.I grew terrified about what more he might do to me, but also, was he threatening my mom? What did he mean by “well?” We may not have the best relationship, but I didn’t want anything to happen to her.
I went through the school day in a daze. I told everyone I was tired, but I knew Shawn wouldn't buy it.
“You’ve been a zombie today. Are you okay?” he asked as I sat next to him in the last hour of the day.
I took my notebook and pencil out of my backpack, preparing for class. “I’ve been having nightmares.” I wasn’t technically lying. I really thought I was dreaming, but I could see it all clearly now. I was angry at myself for not waking up to stop it. How could my mom allow him back into our lives? I would rather have stayed depressed and alone instead of scared and violated.
“I hate when that happens.” I didn't have the energy to respond.
When school was over, I wanted to get in bed and stay there for a while. As I lay down, I realized I could rest peacefully since Andrés was at work.
I woke up with a jolt when I felt the breeze from the fan hit my body. I was uncovered like the night before. “Have a good nap?”
I snapped my head in the direction of where I heard Andrés. He sat in the same chair I had pictured him in when I thought I was dreaming last night.Had he touched me again?
“What…are you doing here?” I stammered over my words in fear.
“I’m checking on you. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you while your mom’s not here to help.” He stood up from the chair and approached me. He leaned down and whispered into my ear, “Your shower is all set when you’re ready.” His mouth was so close to my ear, feeling the moisture coming off his lips, which caused my body to shiver.
He stood there watching me expectantly. My heart pounded in my ears. “I took a shower this morning,” I said as quietly as a mouse.
He clenched his jaw, a grimace forming on his lips. “You’ve been at school all day,” he said matter-of-factly. His entire face was red with irritation.
I swallowed down my fear and stood up from my bed, heading to the shower. I went to close the door behind me, but he blocked it.
“You don’t need to close the door. You could hurt yourself, and I’d need to be able to hear you to come help,” he said, shooting me a smile.
My lips quivered as I slowly removed my clothing.I might throw up.I slid open my shower door and stepped inside. As I turned, I watched his eyes roam down my body. My whole body broke out in goosebumps, feeling cold even with the warm water sprinkling down on me. I squeezed my eyes shut while I showered, unable to bear to see his eyes on me any longer.Only two more days until my mom comes home.
My mom’s next trip had her gone for two weeks. Andrés visited me every night she was gone, and I said nothing. He grew more comfortable with ways he could violate me, and I pretended I was fine.I wasn’t.
My voice betrayed me when my screams were all in my head. The more I walked away, the more present he became. He wasalwaysthere. He didn’t dare put a finger on me when I was conscious because he quickly realized how agreeable I was when I was half asleep.
He started lifting my nightgown, and when I didn’t try to stop him, he slid my underwear to the side. I squeezed my legs together and even tried to move his head away when he brought his mouth to my skin. His touch started freezing me in place. I closed my eyes and imagined being at school with my friends, away from the nightmares within my room. I spent so much time in visions with my friends; I stopped protesting and let him do what he wanted.
Every night after he was done, he would whisper in my ear about how he had shown me love, and I could always feel the moisture from his lips and how they glided along my ear. I grew to hate the feeling of anything touching my ears. I even stopped wearing earrings and wore my hair away from my face.
I became a shell of the girl I once was. I spent every day in fear, wondering how far he’d go with me. I spent every night he would visit lying there, accepting his abuse, tarnishing the room I thought could be my escape. I couldn’t tell anyone without it getting back to my mom.
I dealt with the violation because it kept my mom safe.
FOURTEEN
AGE 17
Iwouldn’t change my life for anything since my little sister Luna arrived. She had been the greatest gift, and she really was my miniature best friend. Except she was seven going on seventeen with a true teenage girl attitude.
I’d taken on a lot more responsibility with Luna since my Gram worked evening or overnight shifts at the hospital. Luna picked out her clothes for her first day of second grade last night and was up super early to get ready because she loved school.
“Gram, are you ready?” I asked through her closed door. She was coming with us on the first day to ensure I had permission to drop Luna off and pick her up, since I was still a minor.
