I spun the spinning ring on my right index finger. “Y-yes, I think so. I don’t know,” I stammered.
“I know this process can be a little nerve-wracking,” she said. “This first appointment is to get to know each other. If we think we’ll work well together, we’ll discuss a therapy plan. Does that sound okay?”
“Sure. Sorry, this is my first time doing something like this, and I’m not quite sure where to start.”
“Why don’t you tell me about yourself—where you work, what you do for fun, if you’re in a relationship, the important people in your life, and some goals.”
“Okay, I can do that.” I took a deep breath, trying to make my life not sound so pathetic. “I work at a local bookstore, hoping to open my own store someday.”
“Wow, that’s great,” she said.
I smiled weakly and continued, “I’m not in a relationship currently, and I live with my best friend, Emma. Honestly,Emma is the only important person in my life. I haven’t been great at making or keeping friends. I tend to be closed off unless someone else initiates the conversation. I’d like to have more genuine friendships, but I’m always holding back a piece of myself…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I think I’m here because I don’t want to believe that the guys I’ve been with were right.”
“Do you mind elaborating?” Darla asked, her tone curious as she leaned forward.
“They said I was too emotional, too distant, or that my feelings were too big and pushed people away— hence only having one friend.” I sank lower into the couch. “I don’t want them to be right, but as I’ve reflected on the relationships in my life…I’m afraid they were. I’m tired of repeating the same cycles, and I want to know once and for all if the problem is me. I want to have a long, happy love with someone.”
She looked back up at me from her laptop. “A lot of people come to me to work through the patterns that cause problems in their relationships, so it’s great that you’re here to learn how to end those cycles. What does your healing journey look like to you?”
I pondered on her question. “I feel like I am always making the same mistakes, and I think it comes from a lack of self-trust. I struggle to accept who I am after all the negative comments people have made about me. I want to stand on my own two feet and know without a doubt who I am, without shame.”
“That sounds heavy. I can understand why this is hindering you.”
I clenched my jaw. The voices telling me I deserved what I went through or wasn’t good enough were constantly in my head, feeding my self-doubt. “Yeah,” I said. “In addition to the trauma I’ve endured. I feel like a complete mess.” I looked away from Darla as she made notes.
“You were able to write about some of your childhood trauma in your intake form,” she reminded me. “Did you include the information because you want to tackle the subject at some point in therapy, or is your focus currently past relationships?”
She gave me a kind expression that made me want to be truthful. “I’ve never tried to heal from my childhood trauma aside from burying it deep whenever it resurfaces. I don’t know how to talk about it or if I even can. All I know is that my poor mental health has made relationships difficult to maintain long-term. But sometimes I can’t get out of bed because I feel so stuck in the past. I want to move forward.”
“Childhood trauma is a deep wound to unpack. We can start with what feels easiest to you now, and dip into the hard stuff when you’re ready,” Darla said. “I’d like to move forward with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which will help you identify and change unhelpful thought patterns, specifically with the comments from past relationships. However, as you grow comfortable and want to explore healing your childhood trauma, I’d suggest EMDR Therapy. It is a type of therapy I specialize in. Have you heard of it?”
“No,” I said, scrunching my eyebrows together.
Darla stood and walked to the desk beside the couch, picking up a piece of paper. “EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The goal is that when you think of traumatic memories, you’ll have fewer negative emotional responses. There’s more information on this sheet.”
I skimmed the page, trying to make sense of what I was reading. “I’d be willing to try. I don’t know what healing looks like for me, but I do know I want to move forward instead of continuing to live in the past,” I said boldly, forcing a smile.
To heal, I needed to face how my childhood trauma shaped me, the complexities of my relationships in high school and college, and how my mom wasn’t there for me through any of it.
My heart raced as glimpses of unease flashed through my mind. How out of touch with my body I felt because of how others took ownership of it without my permission. I feared the years of trauma and pain I’d have to wade through would turn me back into the young woman I was before, who let fear dictate her life.Was I brave enough?
We talked a little while longer about my friendship with Emma, my past serious relationships, and touched on the relationship with my mom, but didn’t go deeper than mentioning she was a single mom who worked a lot. We wrapped up by discussing a future therapy plan.
As I was preparing to leave, a positive thought struck me, bringing a smile to my lips. Darla had told Grant she’d see him at the same time next week. Maybe there was something to look forward to.
TWO
PRESENT
You have a face I don’t think I would easily forget. Really? That’s the first thing I thought to say to the stunning new girl in the waiting room. Honestly, I was mesmerized. She had this rare mix of cute and sexy that’s hard to find and even harder to pull off. I’m usually not drawn to someone so quickly. I’d been single on purpose. As much as I wanted to get to know her, I had a lot of baggage left to unpack, things I don’t want anyone else to carry but me.
But then she looked at me with those storm cloud eyes—grey with a hint of blue at the edges—and her lips, full and perfectly heart-shaped, sealed the deal. She didn’t seem to be wearing any makeup, just naturally beautiful and utterly irresistible. Her strawberry blonde hair was straight and swept over her shoulder to one side, exposing her delicate neck. And her voice…soft yet melodic. I couldn’t stop thinking about her during my entire drive home.
She probably thought I was some kind of player, that I was someone who made a habit of hitting on women with cheesy pick-up lines. The truth was, I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in almost eight years—and counting.If I see her again, I hope she won’t remember how I stuck my foot in my mouth.
As I drove home, I wondered what brought her to therapy. I had been going to Darla for eight years, but Serenity was the first person to catch my eye. Even her name was beautiful.
I finally pulled my oversized truck into the driveway, cutting the engine and sitting there in a daze. I bought the truck and house around the same time, so I could prove I was doing okay, even though I wasn’t.
