Iwas a little distracted during therapy today, but I couldn’t stop the constant thoughts of my conversation with Grant. He was even more dreamy than I remembered.He wore a black tank top with black gym shorts, showcasing his muscular build. The shorts were snug against his bulging quads, and I couldn’t help but stare. He wore a black hat today with his hair in a low ponytail at the bottom—I wanted to twist those curls around my finger and tug.
Even though I was distracted by my interactions with Grant and his confidence as he asked for my number, I had an eye-opening session with Darla. We discussed my first relationship, which still weighed heavily on my heart. I didn’t miss the relationship, but whenever I’d remember how he held me every night after a nightmare when we lived together, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my stomach with thoughts of him lingering for the rest of the day—ultimately ruining my day.
As I relayed the relationship with Darla and stated how he had been my first safe space, she mentioned this could be the reason I may have had visceral reactions when thoughts of him resurfaced. We discussed how his later actions removed the safety he once created. I held on to the false sense of safety for too long, so by the end of our relationship, I wasn’t even my own person. All my interests were his interests. All my friends were his friends. I didn’t know who I was without him.
Darla had explained that the reason I clung to him for so long was because my mom had never chosen me, which drew me to men who weren’t capable of choosing me either. My most recent relationship was much of the same; I constantly forgave his cheating because he’d reassure me I was the one he wanted to be with. But I cried myself to sleep while he slept soundly next to me. I longed to someday become the version of myself who could believe she deserved better.
“Hey, are you okay?” I heard Emma ask as she walked into the living room.
“Yeah, sorry. I was thinking about what I discussed in therapy today. But I don’t want to talk about that because you’ll never guess what happened before my appointment.”
“Please tell me it’s about Grant—the hot waiting room guy.” That’s what we’d been calling him.
“He left his session early and started a conversation with me. We talked about books and joked back and forth—it felt so natural. Then, when it was almost time for my appointment with the therapist, he asked for my number.”
She sat there, mouth agape. “Shut up!” she exclaimed. “Talk about the perfect continuation of your meet-cute.”
“Right? But now I’m in my head about it. What if I make the same mistakes?” I sighed.
“You’ll never know if you don’t try,” she pushed. “And you can always take it as slow as you need to, and if he is the right person, he will be patient with you.”
“I guess that’s true, even though my track record would say otherwise.”
She rolled her eyes. “You have come such a long way. You’re in therapy to heal and become the best version of yourself. And maybe this guy is different. How many of the guys you’ve previously dated went to therapy? That’s a green flag in my opinion.”
“You’re right. I’m honestly overthinking. There is still a chance he doesn’t even text me.”
As the words left my mouth, my phone vibrated.
Unknown Number
Hey, sad girl.
I read the text and laughed. What a completely perfect way to describe me. “I think he texted me,” I told Emma.
“What did he say?” I showed her my phone, and she laughed at the message. “He already has a pet name for you. How cute.”
“What do I say? All he said was ‘Hey.’ Do I also say hey, or should I ask a question?”
“First of all, slow down. Second, give him a pet name back—something about how strong he looks. He’ll love that.”
“What about buff boy, or is that too much?” I asked, giggling.
She laughed too. “That’s perfect!”
Me
Hey, buff boy. Are you out saving the world?
I didn’t want to come on too strong, but still be able to refer to our earlier conversation. I added his name to my phone now that I was certain it was him.
Grant
Buff boy, huh? Am I a piece of meat to you?
Me
I was deciding between “book boy” or “buff boy” since I don’t know anything else about you. Buff boy seemed flirtier. Tell me more about yourself so I can come up with a better name.
