I should really be getting home and going to bed, but something in Leo’s gaze makes me pause. “Want to shoot a few at me? Tell me what you’re working on?”
His eyes light up, and he immediately agrees. “Hell yeah. Thanks, man! Okay, so I’m weak crossing over from my left side past the blue line…”
An hour later, we’re both spent, taking our helmets and pads off and resting on the bench in the quiet ambiance of the rink. I feel unsettled, and I can tell he is too. Something about this kid has me wanting to try anything I can to make him feel better. Before I can break the ice, he jumps in.
“Have you ever felt both extreme joy and jealousy, all at once, for someone you love?”
Well, that’s a little deeper than I was expecting the kid to go. I figured he was just having simple girl problems or a stupid spat with one of his college buddies. Boilerplate life advice would have been easier to regurgitate for either of those situations, but I take my time thinking about whether I have any really good advice for him. The closest I can think of is hearing that Bud and his wife are expecting again, and being happy for him but also wishing it could be Ellie and me. I don’t know that I can say IloveBud, though, so I admit I can’t completely empathize with Leo.
“I don’t think I’ve been in exactly that situation, no. I can relate to being happy for someone while being jealous, especially lately, but not someone I’m close to the way you’re describing.”
He’s quiet for a bit, then continues. “It’s just hard lately to feel like even though a ton of things are going right in life, there might still be no way for me to have what I want most. It feels like a giant joke to have everythingexceptwhat I want. And to have no damn idea how to go about making it happen when a ton of people are against it.”
“Ah. Well, that, I can relate to a bit more.”
Leo levels me with an expectant gaze, and even though I know I have to tread carefully here to not give anything away, something about us just being two sweaty men sitting sadly in an empty hockey rink makes me want to open up to him. Hopefully, between the two of us, at least one can leave here feeling a little better.
“I, uh…I have a girl. A girlfriend. She’s not a girl. She’s a woman. A whole lotta woman. Not that she’s big. She’s perfect, she’s not big…Not that it would be a problem if she was. I’d love her all the same—”
“You love her?”
Shit. Leo’s stare is even more serious now, but I fight down the nausea that threatens to roil in my gut when I consider he mightknow.I’m just gonna keep going and hope for the best.
“Yeah,” I sigh, and I can feel the dopey grin I can’t keep off my face from saying it out loud to a new person. All I want to do is shout it from the rooftops and tell every single stranger I ever meet for the rest of my life. “I love her. I love her more than I can even express, man. She’s just…everything. She’s every good thing. We aren’t public, for a lot of reasons that I understand even though it kills me. Hopefully soon. But it’s been hell trying to manage that along with the season and familial obligations. I haven’t been a very good partner in the last few days. Pretty shit, actually. Makes me wonder how guys like Bud seem to have it all together.”
“Family? I thought it was just you and your grandma?”
Shit.“Uh, yeah.” I laugh. “You know how grandmas can be, though. Tons of drama, going on dates, arguing over pickleball…”
He’s back to blankly staring across the ice now, so I think my slip-up has already been forgotten.
“I don’t know Bud very well, but I know he’s older than you by quite a bit, and you’re already pretty old—”
“Hey!”
“But I doubt he has it all together. He’s probably just doing better since he’s working with decades of experience being a husband and dad. You’re a good guy. I’m sure you’re doing fine.”
“Not worth the risk? The truth of us being together is that awful for you?”
The memory of the last thing I said to Ellie in person cuts like a knife. Twisting the sensible reasons for our secrecy into something nasty, then throwing it into her face like a weapon meant to hurt…that’s not the kind of man I want to be.Not the kind of husband and father I dream of being.
“I recently said things when I was tired and frustrated that weren’t fair…I know I hurt her, and I just want to make it right. But with all the fucking hockey and Br…”
Leo raises an eyebrow.
“Bridiculous media appearances they have us doing, I haven’t been able to get her alone. She’s all that matters to me, man. Well, plus my grandma. I’d give all the rest of it up in a heartbeat.”
“Sounds like you’ll be just fine, bro. If she has a good head on her shoulders, which it sounds like she does, I’m sure she’ll cool off soon and come around. I doubt she’d want you to be losing so much sleep over it, though. She knows how hard you and the whole team work all year for a shot at the Cup.”
We’re quiet for a bit before I realizeI’ve gotten more out of this bro-vent session than he has.
“So what about you? Any ideas at all for how to make your dreams come true?”
His answering laugh is humorless, a dry, bitter sound accompanied by a shake of his head.
“I don’t think so, dude. Some days, the answer is as simple as running away and starting fresh as far from here as possible. But my family would find us, or hers…Once I start playing professionally, I hope my dad and her dad can sit down and figure something out. Until then, we’ll do what we can. If you guys can close this series out, I think I’ll be able to sneak some time with her.”
His smile looks as sappy as mine felt earlier when I was talking about Ellie, and I hope we can both figure our shit out sooner rather than later. She’s closest to him, and I know that if she finds out he’s having problems in his love life, she’ll worry until they’re resolved.
