He laughs. “No. I prefer going by Javi. Do you prefer Lio or Emilio?”
With a grudging amount of respect, I reply, “Lio is fine. Only my…Doms call me Emilio.”
I watch closely for any sign of disgust, but there’s none, and I relax a little more. Instead, he takes the seat next to me, whileDoc moves across the room, folding his arms as he watches us. It’s creepy and I don’t like it. But it’s probably necessary.
“I’ve been looking over your history. First, I want you to know, you’ll be an active part of your own care. That’s what today’s meeting is mostly about. While I’m not a therapist, you can talk to me. I encourage it. You know yourself best. That means your treatment works best when we work as a team.”
My jaw drops, shocked that he’s not coming in with a bunch of edicts. Holy fuck. He may actually care. I didn’t think that was a thing…
Getting myself under control, I slowly reply, “I will try to remember that. I’ve agreed to this, and therapy. Master and my Owner both think it’d be beneficial and…I have to agree. The medication I’m on does seem to be helping a little. Although I don’t like the hangover feeling from the sedatives, especially the nausea.”
He glances down at the folder he’s carrying, although I suspect he knows the medication I’m on by heart. He still repeats it all for me to confirm. I shrug and glance over at Doc.
“Yes, those are the medications he’s on.”
Javi doesn’t even glance toward Doc, instead keeping his focus on me. “Alright, well, before I make any medication changes, let’s talk a little bit about what you’ve been going through and how I can best help you.”
“Uh, well, I tried to kill myself.” I blush, guilt choking me. “And…I guess, I’m depressed? Maybe?”
“With everything you’ve been through, it makes sense that you’re struggling. I don’t want you to think that’s wrong. The mind is powerful, so is the spirit, but everyone needs help occasionally. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.” Javi leans forward, snaring me with those fascinating eyes. “And I need you to be completely honest with me. Are you still having any thoughts of self-harm or suicide?”
“Umm…somewhat.” My voice is smaller than normal, and I hate it. I worry he’s going to institutionalize me, but he merely nods in understanding.
“And are these plans or just thoughts?”
“Thoughts. No plans.” I can’t get into his head and it’s fucking tiring. My mind spins out of control as we talk, feelings swamping me as tears gather in my eyes. He hands me a tissue from the bedside table, and gives me a moment to catch my breath.
“What about anger? Any issues with that?”
Shrugging, I glance down. “I mean…Master used to ban me from having weapons inside the house because I killed a couple people prematurely.”
Javi waves that away. “Happens to everyone. Don’t worry about it.”
Doc tries to cover a snort with a fake cough, but it doesn’t fool me. I glare at him, as I cross my arms. Wincing, I decide to tell the whole truth.
“And, uh…I may have stabbed my Daddy once.”
“Tennant or Allesandro?” Javi asks for clarification, and my insides squirm at his dispassionate voice.
“Tennant,” I whisper. “Master and I…broke up, and he’s no longer Daddy. But I want him to be Papa Bear. He can’t be Daddy, that’s Tennant. But he can be Papa Bear. I think it fits him better anyway. He’s kinda like a bear. His beard is scratchy at times. Master said I had to ask Tennant about that first. What do you think?”
Doc starts choking and I glance over, worried. At Javi’s disgruntled sound, Doc disappears out of the room, laughter floating toward us as the door closes. However, Javi doesn’t address Doc leaving. Instead, he taps his slender fingers against his full mouth. It’s mesmerizing. With a hum, he drops his hand.
“I think that is a very important conversation to have. Relationships are fluid. They require a lot of communication. I’m sure you’ll address that. My main concern, however, is you.”
I squirm in the seat, my stomach swirling with a weird feeling I don’t understand. Instead of saying anything, I merely shrug.
“Here is what I’m thinking. I’d like to continue you on an antidepressant. I’d also like to add a low-dose mood stabilizer that works best with antidepressants. I know you hate the sedatives, so those will only be used as a last resort. I only want to make one or two changes at a time. It needs to have a full two weeks to work before we can determine efficacy. What do you think?”
“Uh, will the mood stabilizer stop me from being happy?” I don’t want to lose the small bursts of sunshine I do get, and worry eats at me.
“No, it’s not supposed to give you a flat effect. If it does, we’ll readjust. It’s just to stop those really bad lows and really bad highs. I don’t want you to be a robot. I just want to give your mind time to recover, especially as I'd like you to start working with a therapist.
“That’s going to be hard. I will never lie to you. Therapy is painful. But it’ll help in the long run once you have the right therapist. Again, you can always come to me about anything.”
“Okay, Javi. I’m willing to try. I…I want to be better.”
“Good. That’s what I want to hear. Because mental health is teamwork. You need to want it because it is hard work. I do want you to start with more socialization. Perhaps with Roman? And getting back to old routines.”
