Carter looks down at it, and I watch as his shoulders rise and fall. Guilt swirls through me. This…my fucking hurt, is the last thing he needs. “I’m glad you got it. I… Fuck, I forgot that was being delivered today.”
Taking a breath, I try to rein in my devastation, knowing that hurting Carter won’t get me anywhere. It’s not his fault I made him so unsure: of himself, of us…of this fucking life. No, that was, and always will be, on me. I pushed too hard, took too much, and he let me. The blame isn’t on him, or me, but on both of us. For not seeing… Or maybe seeing and not wanting to believe the hurt we caused each other.
“I don’t think we ever really left that room, Cris.”I didn’t want to believe him, but…I think I finally understand what Carter meant when he said those words.
“Who we were before this…those people don’t exist.”
I flinch. Those words…they’re the same ones I said to him when I took him from Tennant’s torture chamber. It was true then, and it’s truer now.
“Fuck, Caro. I am…so fucking sorry. For everything.”
Carter’s expression softens. “I know, Honey. I know. Me too.”
Tension settles between us like an uncomfortable weight, and I don’t know how to move on…until part of what Carter said hits me in the face. “You said,‘Co-leaders trying to kill themselves…’.Roman…”
Carter immediately shakes his head. “No, no… He hasn’t tried… But with some of the things he’s alluded to…it’s safer this way, until Lio is stable. Until Doc can get a therapist in to start working with Roman, it’s better for all of us to keep a close eye on him.”
“He’s had no visitors at all?” I look between Carter and Kail—who stayed through the entire awkward argument between me and my…ex-husband.
Carter shakes his head. “He only wants Lio, but that’s not possible right now. I’m trying to convince him to at least see Ignacio.” I grimace and Carter ignores me. “Poor guy is losing his mind without Roman. Not even Hollis and Ten have been allowed in to see him.”
Fuck.
“I need to see him, Carter. Please.”
He hesitates, before sighing and finally nodding. “Fine. At least…this way I don’t have to tell him about the divorce alone.”
I look at the envelope clenched in my fist. Bane of my fucking existence.
“But if you upset him… Well, I’ll probably be dealing with Doc’s bitching for the next year.”
I huff but nod my head. “Fine, fair.”
Carter looks to the nurse. “Thank you, Kail. I’ve got it from here.”
“Yes, sir. Call if you need me.”
Kail gives me a wide berth as he steps out of the way, and Carter leads me down to Roman’s room, giving the door a courtesy knock before swinging it open.
Carter walks into the room and I take a moment to gather myself, before following him. The sight of my son curled up on a hospital bed, so still and lifeless, it almost brings me to my knees.
Roman is…so full of life, bursting with joy and a freedom I never had at his age—or ever.Except when you’re with Allesandro.I shove those thoughts aside, now isn’t the time or place.
“Roman?” Carter’s voice is soft as he sits in the chair at Roman’s bedside. “There’s someone here to see you, Figlio Mio.”
Roman immediately shakes his head. “No…” His voice is so small, so unsure.
“Yes. This is important, okay? Just for a few minutes.”
Carter looks up and meets my eyes. I take a deep breath and cross the room, standing behind the chair on the other side of Roman’s bed.
“Figlio…” I say, my voice rough.
Roman’s breath audibly hitches. He turns onto his back and stares up at me with dark, emotionless green eyes. “What do you want?”
Rounding the chair, I sit and reach for him—setting the fucking envelope in my lap—touching my hand to his.
Roman flinches. He moves to the far end of the bed, closer to Carter. “No…”
