Wind tugged the strands out of my high bun, cold nipped my ears, and I thanked the gods for the hunch to pack the extra sweater I now wore under the humiliatingly yellow parka I’d borrowed from Jayla.
Only, the dawn had melted away my embarrassment by painting the sky in purple and golden hues. This high up, the valley below unraveled before us like a blanket of slowly budding greenery.
“Scream,” Zion repeated as he gestured to the vast expanse, no evidence of human civilization anywhere you looked.
“What do you mean, scream?” I shifted, my muscles aching from the hike he’d put me through in the last hours of the night. Navigating the tricky terrain under the stars wasn’t what I’dexpected when Zion had announced he was taking me on a short trip yesterday evening.
“Just scream.” He shrugged. “Until you can’t anymore.”
“Seriously?” I glanced down the slope, the rocks giving way to the naked branches of larches and farther down, near the lake glinting in the sunrise, elms, and beeches. “Why?”
He unzipped his leather jacket, as serene as I’d ever seen him. “To let it all out.”
“Let out what?” I dumbly echoed, my incomprehension rippling like the sea crashing into the sandy shore at the fringes of the valley. Our compound seemed to be so far away; I struggled to locate it. It took us most of the night to drive here. Well, that was my guess. I’d fallen asleep an hour into our journey.
“Everything.” Zion scooched closer until his knee bumped into mine. He brought my hand into his lap, succumbing to his usual habit of massaging my palm. Upon meeting him, I’d thought nothing of it, a weird quirk he had at most, but time had lured the truth out. Whenever inner turmoil consumed him,feelingmy or…Gedeon’s body heat would bring him back, steady him.
“After my parents’ and then Ayla’s death, I…” he paused, “kind of lost it. I lashed out at everyone, including Gedeon, digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole, causing one incident after another. Gedeon kept compensating people for their troubles and handling the consequences of my actions, but after I passed out drunk in one of the schools’ playgrounds, his patience snapped. I don’t remember much, just being awakened by him emptying a bottle of ice-cold water on me.” Zion shook his head. “He handed me a backpack and marched me up here. We had to stop five times for me to throw up, but he wouldn’t relent.”
Lacing my fingers with his, I gave him a squeeze, much gentler than the barbed wire squashing my heart from the memory he’d shared. “That sounds like Gedeon.”
Sadness permeated Zion’s chuckle. “It does. Once we reached this peak and I collapsed, he told me to scream. I questioned him, of course, but he simply stated he wouldn’tallowme to leave until my voice turned hoarse.”
“Did it?”
“More than that. Once I started to scream, I couldn’t stop. My throat was sore for three days afterward.” He kissed each of my knuckles. “So if not for me, do it for him.”
I rubbed the spot under my right collarbone, right above my breast. Four layers of clothing hid the tattoo I’d gotten inked a little over two months ago, two days after we’d lit up the funeral fire for Gedeon.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Can you show me how?”
He brushed his lips over my joints one last time, took a deep breath, and let out the most guttural, soul-consuming scream. The vastness hovering around us absorbed the echoes, smothering the sound that cleaved me in two and blurred my vision.
If not for Zion holding my hand, I would’ve thrown myself off this mountain, chasing the agony surging in his voice.
But then he finished. Silenced himself. And stared. Not at nature, but into himself. Into the memories of Gedeon.
A wet path shone on Zion’s windburned cheek, and I cupped one to wipe the tear away. “Are you okay?”
No answer left him as he leaned into my palm, his chest heaving.
The knot in my throat thickened. There was no such thing as a clean break. It was all jagged edges sawing your soul into pieces, bleeding you dry, stealing the remnants of your sanity until death began looking beautiful.
Yet a splinter would dig under your chin, raising your head higher and higher, toward the stars spelling out a tale about how an easy exit wasn’t the way. Because you knew, deep down, that life was about everything around the doorway, not what was behind it.
That was how I carried on. How, day by day, I spent the time with our friends. Organized war strategy meetings with Damia and Conall. Became the leader of our compound together with Zion. Pretended that Gedeon had perished at the hands of Ilasall. Spun a lie to cover how my knife had bled him dry.
The truth of his demise would cause a rebellion among our people, and we couldn’t have that. We had to squash all rumors and stand strong as a unit to have any chance of destroying Ilasall.
Easier said than done.
Week after week, I floated, lost in the madness my life had become. But then I would meet Zion’s eyes, the shade of the bluest sea, inviting and serene. Understanding. He would pull me close and kiss my nose, out of all places.
And no matter how many fractures I had inside me, they would all smooth out because of him.
Because he’d become the sole thing convincing me to wake up each morning.
“Okay.” I tugged down the slightly too short, disturbingly yellow parka’s sleeves to protect my wrists. “How do I do this?”
