I give Ollie a look that says,You’re welcome.But Ollie looks thoughtful, his brow furrowed as he watches our exchange.
‘Hmm, yeah, you’re right. Itwouldbe weird,’ Ben acquiesces. ‘Actually that would beveryweird. Imagine that –imagine one of my exes coming out ofyourbedroom. Imagine that exchange. Imagine thecomparisons.’
‘Comparisons?’ Ollie asks faintly. ‘Oh, don’t answer that.’
‘Yeah … no …’ Ben says thoughtfully. ‘Scrap that idea. You can’t date one of my exes. Aurora’s right. It’s against the rules.’
‘Against the rules,’ I echo slowly.
Ollie’s gaze flicks towards me.
‘Definitely,’ Ben continues as he reaches for more orange juice. ‘You can’t get with your friend’s ex. It’s out of bounds, off-limits, can’t ever happen.’
‘Right. OK,’ Ollie says and his gaze slowly disconnects from mine, the frown on his face deeper than before.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Out of bounds. Off-limits. Can’t ever happen.
He still feels the same way. Benstillfeels the same way. His words swirl in my mind as I try to sleep in the morning after they leave. By staying up all night I’ve given myself jet lag without even leaving the country. I feel upside down, so tired that Mum says I’ve gone ashen and I can’t concentrate on anything. I can’t sleep. I’m so wired internally, but I’m horizontal on the sofa, body exhausted while mindless Sunday daytime-TV plays in the background.
Out of bounds. Off-limits. Can’t ever happen.
Ollie looked at me, but only for a moment, and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was. Then the look was gone. I swallow, pick at something that’s not even there on the sofa. I need some sleep. Is this feeling sudden? I’m not sure. It’s a surprise. Does that mean it’s sudden too?
Ollie’s always just been there. But in the distance. In my peripheral vision. Not in my direct line of sight. Now he’s in my direct line of sight and I think he has been for a while. And I’m not sure whether I like it or not. I should be experiencing all those warm feelings you get when you realise you like someone. But I feel broken instead because I know, deep down, it can never be. We nearly kissed. Would thathave spurred things on between us or ended our friendship for ever? Would it have ended Ben, if he’d seen? The four of us have just got back together. Would that have undone us again?
Anything I felt for Ben has gone. I love him. But as a friend. How did that happen? I’d have done anything for that man. Within reason. I remember the night I knew I was in love with him. The night Liv nearly died. The night his parents made me hate them and fall in love with their son.
But those feelings have gone and … I think I like someone else. Ido. I like Ollie. More than simply like him, and Ben’s words have cut deep now. Actually I suppose they weremywords. Why did I have to say that? Why did I have to put that suggestion out there, for Ben to run with in such a way. And Ollie … he didn’t say anything. Or, rather, he agreed – the wordsRight, OKslipping from his mouth.
I can’t talk to Liv about this, because what if she feels the same? What if she’s also a subscriber to the ‘don’t date my ex’ rule, even though she’s moved on from Ollie. But I don’t necessarily want to date Ollie, I simply want to talk to Liv about having been told unequivocally that it can never, ever happen.
Ironically, the person Ireallywant to talk about it with is Ollie. He’d understand. But I can’t, because that feels wrong too. Everything feels wrong.
I make a noise of frustration and bury my face in my own hands, then I turn on the sofa, away from the view of the world outside my window, and try to fall asleep.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Ollie
I sit tapping my fingers on the kitchen table while my exam notes are scattered around me. They made barely any sense before, and now they make no sense whatsoever. It doesn’t matter how many times I read and reread them – they’re blurring into nonsense. I read through things I’ve written, not even remembering when I wrote them or comprehending any of the subject matter. This worries me. I’m going to be a shit doctor. Or, rather, I won’t be a doctor at all if I can’t pass this next set of exams. But I’m battling through something in my head.
I have liked Aury for such a long time. I’ve done nothing about it because … how could I? She’d have run a mile and then I wouldn’t have her in my life. I’d rather have her as a friend than not at all. This is the safest way. And with Ben’s painful command from on high, this is the only thing she’s ever allowed to be: a friend. She wouldn’t have gone for someone like me anyway or else it would have happened by now, wouldn’t it? But now that’s categorically never, ever going to happen.
Thinking about this forces a hollow feeling into my stomach, as if something unpleasant is happening to my insides. This is timely, because this is what I’m meant to be revising. It’s funny, we talk about parts of the body with emotions attached: broken hearts and gut feelings. I refocus on diagrams of the gut, something I’m meant to know more about than I currently do. What is my gut telling me? That during that conversation with Aury on her balcony a few days ago we nearly kissed, I’m sure of it. She dipped her head. I dipped mine. We were so close.Soclose. And we can’t do anything about it. We’ll destroy our friendship. We’ll destroy our friendship group. But for a few seconds, with Aury, absolutely nothing happened at all. But at the same time, absolutely everything did.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Three years ago
‘Mrs Parkinson, it’s lovely to see you again,’ I say with a smile. I’m standing in reception of the local GP’s practice that I’ve been assigned to on placement. Mrs Parkinson isn’t booked in today, but she’s carrying a bulging shopping bag. ‘How can I help you?’
‘Good morning, Doctor,’ she replies, and I’ve given up saying that I’m not one yet. ‘These are for you. A thank-you for listening and for going the extra mile to get my scan booked in. The letter came through this morning.’
‘I’m glad, and you’re welcome. You don’t have to thank me, or bring me goodies. It is literally my job.’
‘What’s in the bag?’ Romy, the young brunette woman on reception, stands up to take a better look.
