‘You could have told him earlier, you know.’
‘I thought about that. But then he’d have warned you,’ Ben admits.
‘And you wanted the element of surprise?’ I test.
He laughs. ‘Something like that. I’m pleased we did this.’
‘Me too,’ I reply as Ben rises first.
I follow him to the lift doors and he pushes the button. ‘I’m really proud of you,’ he says while we wait. ‘Is it stalky to say I’ve seen your ads, watched your social media?’
‘Yes, it is very stalky.’
‘What I mean is: I watched with pride. From the sidelines. I was just happy to see how well you’re doing. Ollie told me he saw you on an ad at Leicester Square Tube and I went along to have a look. Is that a bit sad? I was excited for you. And for me – for knowing you, for having once been your boyfriend. I’d have been devastated if it had been the other way, if it hadn’t worked out for you.’
I’m stunned at everything he’s admitted. ‘Would you?’ I ask genuinely as Ben comes in for a goodbye hug.
The lift doors open and he breaks free, steps inside.
‘Yes,’ he replies. ‘It made me feel like it was worth it.’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask in confusion.
‘You breaking up with me. It felt like the pain I was feeling … was sort of worth it.’
I take a surprised breath, and whatever pain he was feeling transfers into me, shoots through my entire nervous system. ‘Oh, Ben,’ I say sadly, but it’s too late as the lift doors close and he disappears out of sight.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
‘How confused are we talking?’ Liv questions me when I call her from Scotland the following day.
I’ve arrived to plummeting temperatures as it’s mid-December and a car has transferred me to a hunting lodge in the Highlands that’s been hired for the occasion. The team is setting up and getting ready to shoot, but I’ve got a few spare minutes before I’m needed. Hair and Make-Up have already got to work on me, and I’m on speakerphone so that I can’t mash the phone into my artfully applied make-up.
‘Veryconfused,’ I reply. ‘Ben was … so different. I can’t explain it. He was just—’
‘Don’t say he wowed you. I can’t hear you say that again,’ Liv answers with zero sugar-coating.
‘You’ve changed,’ I say. ‘Since you started training to become a barrister you’ve become hard.’
‘It’s my finest quality,’ she tells me. She’s stronger, more confident, more outspoken. ‘He’s still Ben,’ she goes on.
‘Yeah, maybe …’ I say. ‘I’m not sure. It’s been so long since I last saw him. Maybe he’s changing. He says he wants to.’
‘He’ll never change. He’s a good-time guy. Ollie said I should simply get over things and see Ben, but I’m not sure. Will Ben be at this house-warming party?’
‘Yes. The four of us together again. It’s perfect.’
‘Is it?’ she asks doubtfully.
‘It might be. We won’t know until we try.’
‘Hmm,’ she replies doubtfully.
Someone shouts for me in the distance and I say into the phone, ‘I have to go and get on a horse.’
Liv laughs. ‘Unexpected. I didn’t know you can ride.’
‘I can’t. I think I’m just supposed to sit on it. IhopeI’m only supposed to sit on it or stand next to it, or something like that.’
