‘I don’t really want to think about uni,’ I say and this forces Liv’s face into a frown.
‘That seems a bithead-in-sand.’
‘I suppose it is,’ I reply honestly, walking for the eleventh time and still not mastering it.
‘Your shoulders are a little high. You look anxious and hunched.’
‘You just asked me about uni – I got anxious and hunched.’
‘Do youreallyhate it that much?’
‘Uni?’ I ask and stare at her, then I look away thoughtfully. ‘I think … maybe, yes.’ I’ve not really thought about it before. But yes, I don’t like uni. Or rather, ‘I don’t like English Lit,’ I voice. ‘But I’m halfway through the course. It feels defeatist to turn back now, drop out. I’ve got to see it through, haven’t I?’
She thinks and then nods sombrely. ‘Probably.’
‘I’m still failing,’ I confess. ‘I think I’m on track for a third.’
‘Yikes,’ she says and makes a face. ‘That’s not … great. But it’s not a fail.’
‘It might as well be. I know now why I’m the first person in my family to go to uni. It’s hard. Maybe I chose the wrong subject – Ollie was right. And now I’ve left it too late to change.’
‘Ollie said you’d chosen the wrong subject?’
I nod. ‘He called it ages ago. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to him.’
‘Because he’s an interfering know-it-all,’ Liv says.
‘Liv!’ I protest. ‘He’s your man. You can’t say that.’ Their rockiness is only getting worse.
‘I can, because it’s true. He’s annoying.’
I start to contradict her, but think better of it. Whatever’s going on there, she shakes herself out of it and refocuses on me.
She brightens and sits up straighter at the table. ‘Closeyour eyes,’ she instructs and I do. ‘Imagine you’re not at university any more.’
And – back at the front door again – I try to picture this. It feels good.
‘Imagine …’ Liv goes on slowly, ‘that you’re a successful model, earning so much money you don’t know what to do with it. Imagine you’ve been selected for every single fashion show going and that you’ve got limitless energy to do them all. Imagine you have everything you’ve ever wanted from your career and you’ve got it all right now, and you don’t need to worry about university because it doesn’t exist in this fictional world I’ve created for you.’
My eyes still closed, I try to picture my life like this and I smile, nod.
‘Now open your eyes. And walk.’
I feel a bit different. Good different. I walk towards Liv slowly, without really thinking about it, just sort of hoping for the best. This time she doesn’t stop me when I reach her, as she normally does. I turn when I near her, continue the walk back to the front door and then stop. When I’m finished, I turn to her reluctantly and make a hopeful face.
She extends her arms and gives me two big thumbs-up. ‘That’s the one.’
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Eight years ago
‘I can’t,’ I tell Ben for the third time. ‘I’m away in Thailand for a catalogue job and then, after that, I’m casting for a bridal-wear show.’
He sighs. ‘When are you back here?’
‘End of next week. It’s all very fast.’
‘It’s not that fast,’ he grumbles. ‘The weekend after, then? My parents really want us to come.’
