‘Exactly. I didn’t know what to do in a crisis. A medical crisis. What kind of fucking wannabe doctor can’t remember what to do when someone drowns, can’t even ring an ambulance?’
‘Oh,’ I say slowly, because I finally get it. ‘Oh, I see. Ollie, listen, you’ve only been training to be a doctor for a few months. Please don’t imagine you need to be able to save the world after that short a time.’
‘I didn’t need to save the world. I needed to save my girlfriend and, when I couldn’t, Ben did. And then I couldn’t even bloody ring for an ambulance. I couldn’t do anything. I just froze.’
‘Ollie.’ I turn fully to him on the sofa and pull him towards me, holding him tightly and wanting so much for him not tofeel like this. ‘Ten years, you said. Ten years before you’d be a proper, all-singing, all-dancing specialist doctor.’
He pulls back and smiles, sadly.
‘In ten years, if you can’t give CPR or ring an ambulance, then you’ve probably got a bit of a problem with your career choice—’
He interrupts with a reluctant laugh.
‘But after such a short amount of time … Ollie, come on … please don’t do this to yourself.’
He nods, although I’m not sure he’s agreeing with me, merely wanting me to stop talking.
‘She’d have died,’ he says. ‘If it had only been me and Liv in the pool, she’d have died.’
‘One crisis,’ I tell him.
‘I don’t think I have it in me.’
‘Have what?’
‘The ability to be a good doctor,’ he says. I try to cut in, but Ollie continues, ‘How did Ben know to do all that? How did he manage to keep so calm?’
I shrug slowly. ‘He has a pool. Maybe the pool company gives you a lifesaving lesson when they install it?’
Ollie looks at me as if I’m mad.
‘Maybe he’s had some sort of training at school or something,’ I bluff.
‘He was fast,’ Ollie laments. ‘Like … superhero-fast.’
I smile. He was. Ben was amazing. Incredible. I’m so proud of him. His parents should be too, but they just shouted at him.
‘You will learn all of this on your course,’ I tell Ollie. ‘You’ll be a doctor in ten years’ time and you will know bloody everything. You’ll be amazing and I will be so proud of you, and every time one of us gets some kind of minor injury or whatever, we’ll be ringing you because you’ll be the one who knows how to save everyone. You’ll be the one who knows what to do. Every single time.’
He smiles again, this time with a bit more enthusiasm.
‘Don’t let this one thing ruin everything amazing you’re going to achieve,’ I tell him.
Ollie breathes in, exhales long and loud. ‘OK,’ he says with determination. ‘OK. Thanks.’
‘Any time,’ I say. ‘Now go to bed. As my mum likes to say when I’m pissed off and tired, and catastrophising about something: tomorrow’s another day and everything always looks brighter in the morning.’
He pulls me towards him, hugs me as tightly as I just hugged him. He holds me for a long time. ‘I will. Thanks, Aury.’
I watch him go and then, when he’s left the room, I pick up Ollie’s untouched brandy, tip it into my mug of coffee and stand by the fire, watching the flames disappear up the chimney. My coffee’s cold now, but the heat from the flames and the warmth of the brandy as it hits my stomach mean I don’t really notice. I sip distractedly and watch the fire for ages as the lone log burns itself down to embers, then I place the fire-guard back in front of the fire and make a decision.
I climb the stairs and walk towards my room, but instead of going inside it, I head opposite, knock gently on the doorto Ben’s room. He doesn’t answer immediately and so I knock again and hear him mumble, ‘Come in.’
‘Hey,’ I say slowly as I enter the dark space.
I hear him shuffle into a sitting position and he switches on his lamp. ‘Hey,’ he replies, bleary-eyed. ‘You OK?’
‘Yeah,’ I say softly, closing the door behind me. ‘YouOK?’
