‘I have a new squeeze,’ Toby says. ‘Since I last saw you I have got a boyfriend.’
I draw in a breath. ‘You don’t have boyfriends,’ I tell him. ‘You like to date, but not commit.’
‘This is true, but I might be a changed man.’
‘I’m so pleased for you. Tell me, tell me,’ I encourage.
He pauses, choosing his words thoughtfully. ‘He’s very lovely,’ is all he says.
‘Lovely toyou?’ I ask.
‘Lovely to everyone,’ Toby says, smiling.
‘Are you a smitten kitten?’ The wideness of my smile matches his.
‘I am the most smitten ofallkittens,’ Toby replies. ‘But we’ve been dating on and off formonths.He’s been a bit unsure, I think. So we’ve been going very slowly, and you know what it’s like with all this travel – it forces things to go slow.’
I nod.
‘But … last week we turned a corner and he’s ready to commit, and so am I, so – why not?’
‘Why not indeed,’ I say and my wide smile turns into a wistful one. ‘I’m so happy for you. I have everything crossed for you both.’
‘Me too. Me too.’
‘My mum has a new man too,’ I go on. ‘Everyone’s smug and coupled up.’
‘Who’s her new man?’
‘I don’t know. She says it’s early days, so she’s planning to see how it goes a bit longer before she invites him over for dinner.’
‘Oven-chips,’ Toby points out.
‘Obviously. But he’s very kind, very handsome and works in the City.’
‘So he earns a lot of money. Well done, Sasha,’ Toby says, raising his glass in salute to my mum on the other side of the Atlantic.
‘Well done, both of you,’ I comment.
‘You won’t be single for much longer,’ Toby says. ‘Being single isn’t too bad.’ Even he sounds unconvinced. ‘And I should know. I’ve been single for so long and I’ve enjoyed it, mostly. Playing about. But I don’t want to play any more. I want to settle.’
I don’t want to play about any more, either. I want to settle too. I think of Ollie. That hug at the premiere where I felt myself relax into him, all my nerves disappearing while he held me in his arms. It felt so intimate and yet it was in front of hundreds of people. I want to tell Toby about Ollie. How we’ll send Ben off the wagon – how Ben’s forbidden it. But what’s the point? Toby will tell me to go for it and damn the consequences, but I can’t. I just can’t. And I know that neither can Ollie. He’s found someone to be with. I need to do the same. But I can’t do that, either.I don’t know how to. So we are where we are and I don’t talk to Toby about it.
Instead I tell him about the late-twenty-somethings I encountered at Liv’s birthday party earlier this year, and how they all had proper jobs with career prospects. How coupled up they mostly were, how settled and how many of them had children. How that moment at Liv’s party, as tiny as it was, has made me uneasy, made me reassess where I’m going, although I know Liv is happily uncoupled and happily unencumbered by tiny babies. But she at least knows what she wants and how to get there.
‘It made me think,’ I confess. ‘It made me wonder if I’m letting real life pass me by – the opportunity to love and be loved – while I travel the world.’
‘And get paid, darling,’ Toby replies with a chastising pout.
‘Yes, all right,’ I say, rolling my eyes.
‘I’m here as the angel on your shoulder reminding you that while you decide your fate, you aren’t exactly living a terrible life.’
‘I know. Everything is pretty good actually. And I shouldn’t moan.’
‘Cheers to that,’ Toby says and we clink our half-drunk Margarita glasses together.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
